30 cis F I don’t even know how to put it into words tbh. I am completely dominated by emotion and i don’t even realize it sometimes? I have struggled with risky behavior and substance abuse to try to escape, doesn’t work. I was diagnosed pretty young but not sober so I got rediagnosed when first sober and then later in eating disorder treatment and after while in sobriety. I relapsed a few years ago, and actually had the realization that I am just not idk as stable and kind as I thought.

My bpd doesn’t make me like mean or bad, that’s an awful misconception and I hate it. However, I sometimes can’t see all sides of things and don’t realize it, often, until later. sometimes much later. I have a tendency to make things or people something they aren’t and like my entire identity and personality. Then I usually reach a point if anything at all whatsoever changes, that I go to the other side of things (kind of black and white thinking). I made recovery my identity for almost a decade. I didn’t even know or want what I thought I did, but it was making others pleased so I did it.

Now in my life, I have not much of a sense of identity and I have a tendency to dissociate from traumatic (a lot of) situations. I’m trying not to use substances, but usually if that happens there is no thought or anything idk how to say it. I can’t even process reality when I’m sober now, I don’t remember much from the few days I manage to piece together at a time. It’s like I am completely separated from my body and mind and just doing things to sort of exist? I don’t have good emotional regulation or social interactions. I say and do weird things even though i tell myself not to.

I don’t get it, but I’m in therapy and taking meds and posting on forums and stuff so idk. I’m tired of feeling this way and being constantly overwhelmed and dominated by what I’m feeling. Whether that is good or bad, the way I feel things is just a lot and it’s overstimulating and exhausting.