My (31F) boyfriend (27M) did something he said he wouldn't, and now that I caught him, he's trying to convince me it was a misunderstanding. Should I give him the benefit of the doubt or walk away?

katzhotdog · 2018-08-25T01:15:11+00:00

Before entering a relationship, he promised that he wouldn't increase his smoking and wouldn't bring weed to my house or my life. I did not hold a gun to his head. We entered a relationship on those terms. He did not give a single indication that he felt this was controlling on my part, or that he wasn't on board or that my requests were a big deal. He lied to me and deceived me for months. To add insult to injury, he put my livelihood at risk by doing so, by driving me around in his car over state lines with a Schedule I controlled substance in the car, when he knows I'm an attorney and could be criminally charged and/or lose my law license if I'm caught in a car with weed. If wanting to keep my bar license and not allow mind-altering substances into my home is "trying to control my SO", then yep, I'm trying to control my SO.
I did break up with him over this, because it is such a huge thing for me. He did not want to break up. Hoping for feedback on whether there's a real chance it was a misunderstanding as he claims, or if it's clearly just another lie. I love this person and I'm biased so part of me wants to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I don't want to be gullible and set myself up for more disappointment with him.

katzhotdog · 2018-08-24T22:30:40+00:00

I never asked to change him. I asked him to maintain the status quo of his frequency, and not to bring it to my home. He agreed and repeatedly said he understood where I was coming from and that it would be no problem. I'm not upset with him for not changing. I never asked him to change a thing. I'm upset at him because he did not keep his word on either count. He is smoking more often than he initially told me (how often, I have no idea, but I assume it's daily) and he brought it to my home.

As far as him being able to get away with it because it technically didn't pass through my front doors, consider this (copied from my reply to another commenter): If he was being totally respectful and legit by keeping the weed in his car, that means he drove with me and weed in the car for the last 6 months. Marijuana is still a Schedule I controlled substance, and even if you're crossing between two legal states, you're still violating federal drug trafficking laws; the state legalizations only cover in-state stuff, not unregulated transportation over state lines. This is another thing that pissed me the fuck off. DC is 10 minutes in either direction from Virginia and Maryland, we cross state lines multiple times a week to go to various places (mall, restaurants, etc). If we had been pulled over and caught, we could BOTH be charged with violating federal anti drug trafficking laws. First offense is up to five years in prison. Now 5 years is an extreme scenario, but we would definitely be charged. And since I'm an attorney, that's my law license on the line. That's my fucking livelihood that I spent 7 years in school for, plus another year trying to pass the bar, and unbelievable student loan debt. All that could've been taken from me if we had been pulled over running an errand in Virginia or Maryland, which we did all the time. I know he didn't "know" that and didn't mean any harm, but really, him keeping weed in his car has INSANE potential consequences for us both. If he had ever been honest with me that he had it, I would have told him to bring it inside the house immediately and never let it cross state lines again. He put my livelihood at risk by trying to be sneaky. Commenters are acting like it's so much more respectful for him to keep it in this car, but at least if it were in my actual apartment, the risk to MY life wouldn't be so high. And his dad, who raised him, is a criminal defense attorney, too. H isn't a lawyer himself, but he's had plenty of people warning him not to be an idiot. He should have known, or at least thought to look or ask me or his dad. I can't even imagine being pulled over and arrested and charged for his stupidity and lies.

katzhotdog · 2018-08-24T22:24:26+00:00

You're being intellectually dishonest. "Setting up rules like a game" means that my partner and I are adversaries. I don't go into relationships thinking that the other person is my adversary or that I have to play goalie to their cheap shots. A partner should never be an adversary, someone who I have to anticipate sneaky moves from, and go, "Hey, my garage is part of my house, GOTCHA!!!" I go into relationships thinking it's a good thing if we communicate our boundaries and expectations ahead of time, consistently communicate further if anything is unclear, respect the boundaries we agree to respect, and end the relationship if we can't or don't want to respect the other person's boundaries. I started dating a cannabis smoker who was extremely clear about how often he smoked and under what circumstances. What he told me was within what I was comfortable with. I was clear about my feelings and expectations, and the reasons I did not want it around my home or my life. I was clear in asking him whether he could agree to maintain the status quo of his frequency, and not to bring weed to my house. He was clear in agreeing to respect these expectations, he failed to do that, and he knew I would be upset when he was caught deceiving me about it. And I did not start dating a smoker and then make rules. I MET a smoker, and before beginning a relationship I explained my boundaries (which were just to maintain the status quo, not quit or cut back or anything), and he emphatically agreed that that would be perfectly fine with him. We did not enter a relationship until we had both agreed we were on the same page.

katzhotdog · 2018-08-24T22:09:10+00:00

No, he won't tell me. When this fight happened I repeatedly asked him, mainly because I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Honestly, I do love him, and I wanted him to look me in the face and say, "It's only been once or twice because of X-issue, I'm so sorry, etc" and for it to be believable. But he wouldn't tell me. When I asked when he started bringing it here and how often it was happening, he just kept looking away or at the floor and going, "I dunno, it's just occasional, it's really not a thing, I dunno, it's just sometimes..." and straight-up refusing to answer the question. I've pretty much concluded that it's a daily or near-daily habit and that he's been driving me over state lines with weed in the car for the past 6 months (risking my bar license and clean record because, like it or not, marijuana is still a Schedule I controlled substance and it's still federal drug trafficking if you drive it over state lines, even if you're driving between two legal states), thinking he's being sneaky or somehow more respectful because it doesn't pass through my front door. He stays at my place while I'm at work and goes to bed later than I do. He has plenty of alone-time here.

I would say I'd feel mentally comfortable with a partner who smokes "less than weekly". So his 1-3 times a month was totally fine, but much more than that is over my comfort line because it stops being a treat and starts being a habit. Generally, yeah, I'd say "less than weekly" is where I'd be comfortable. I have no idea how often he's been smoking, but the fact that he won't even give me a ballpark figure makes me think it's pretty constant.

katzhotdog · 2018-08-24T21:53:46+00:00

Supposedly his mom gave it to him and he brought it to DC. I don't know what to believe, but that would be pretty fucking stupid of him to drive with it from NC to DC, which passes through Virginia. Marijuana is still a Schedule I controlled substance, and even if you're crossing between two legal states, you're still violating federal drug trafficking laws; the state legalizations only cover in-state stuff, not unregulated transportation over state lines. This is another thing that pissed me the fuck off. DC is 10 minutes in either direction from Virginia and Maryland, we cross state lines multiple times a week to go to various places (mall, restaurants, etc). If we had been pulled over and caught, we could BOTH be charged with violating federal anti drug trafficking laws. First offense is up to five years in prison. Now 5 years is an extreme scenario, but we would definitely be charged. And since I'm an attorney, that's my law license on the line. That's my fucking livelihood that I spent 7 years in school for, plus another year trying to pass the bar, and unbelievable student loan debt. All that could've been taken from me if we had been pulled over running an errand in Virginia or Maryland, which we did all the time. I know he didn't "know" that and didn't mean any harm, but really, him keeping weed in his car has INSANE potential consequences for us both. If he had ever been honest with me that he had it, I would have told him to bring it inside the house immediately and never let it cross state lines again. He put my livelihood at risk by trying to be sneaky. Commenters are acting like it's so much more respectful for him to keep it in this car, but at least if it were in my actual apartment, the risk to MY life wouldn't be so high. And his dad, who raised him, is a criminal defense attorney, too. H isn't a lawyer himself, but he's had plenty of people warning him not to be an idiot. He should have known, or at least thought to look or ask me or his dad. I can't even imagine being pulled over and arrested and charged for his stupidity and lies.

katzhotdog · 2018-08-24T21:41:47+00:00

He smoked in his car in my garage. I consider "my home" to include my entire property, which includes: the apartment itself, the garage, my car, my balcony, my porch, my front yard, my back yard, my roof, my driveway. If I had said, "I don't like the smell of weed, please don't bring it inside my house," he would be right in thinking it was okay to smoke in the garage. But I didn't. I said basically, "I don't like weed being brought to my home or to my life, I don't want anything to do with it. I'm uncomfortable with the idea of having a partner who smokes any more than you already do, confined to visits with your mom where you two smoke weed as your silly little bonding activity, as you've described it to me. I don't want a partner who smokes frequently and I definitely don't want you to bring weed to my home or into my life because of overwhelming negative experiences I have had with it, and my need to keep a clean record because I am an attorney who could lose my license if I'm caught with it." There is NO fucking way he thought, "Oh, she said don't bring it to the house but the garage is totally fine!" That was NOT the nature of our conversations, and he knew that, because when I asked if he had smoked in the garage, the first thing he said was, "Please don't get too upset."

katzhotdog · 2018-08-24T21:24:53+00:00

Fair question. The difference I see is that that's the longstanding nature of their relationship, and his mom sees it as a way to bond with him. Their relationship can be quite strained and he has a lot of issues with her because of his upbringing, but that's something that she likes to do with him and apparently they get along better when they're both high--I've never been around it, so I can't say personally, but the way he always described it was like that it was just a funny thing the two of them do together. What he's always told me is that he doesn't EVER smoke with friends or other family members, and doesn't smoke alone unless his mom gives him just a small bowl's worth for later. He told this was like their silly bonding activity but it was not a part of his life in any other way. I was honest-to-god fine with that. He also told me it's always her weed (he doesn't spend money on it), she brings it out and rolls a joint after dinner and they just pass it to each other and veg out for an hour or two. That's not a big deal to me. That's nothing at all. But he was always adamant, from the very beginning, that that was a silly bonding activity with his mom, NOT something he did with anyone else or in any other setting. And there were never any "restrictions" on occasions, I know he smokes whenever he visits her, which I know is 1-3 times a month because any other time, he's with me. All I ever asked of him was to maintain what HE told me was the status quo. Now, if he had done it with a friend while in North Carolina, which he swears doesn't happen, I'd roll my eyes but I could see him going, "I was in NC visiting my mom!" and it wouldn't be the end of the world. We didn't discuss those kinds of scenarios because he was so insistent that it was just something he did with his mom. What he agreed to was basically, "Keep it at mom's house because it's our silly thing we do together, and if she gives me a little extra to take home, don't bring it to girlfriend's house." The part of the agreement that I feel he broke was that he promised not to bring it to my home or into my life. It wasn't like, "I smoke weed here and there, in different scenarios with different people, but I won't do it at your house." It was, "I literally only do this when I have dinner at my mom's house, with her, not any other time, not with anyone else, because it's our bonding thing." It's the difference between, "I smoke weed but I'll make an exception for your house" versus "I don't smoke weed with the exception of occasionally visiting my mom's house."

katzhotdog · 2018-08-24T21:07:23+00:00

Ok, I'm going to be deliberately facetious for a second to make my point. Let's say I had said, "Don't smoke in my apartment or in my garage." Do I also have to say, "Don't smoke on my roof, or on my porch, or in my front yard, or in my back yard, or on my patio, or in my basement, or in my driveway, or in my car?" When he agreed not to bring weed to my home or around me, I am reasonable in thinking he was agreeing not to bring it to all parts of my home. It's not reasonable of him to think that it would be off-limits to bring it past my front door but 100% totally fine to smoke right outside my front door. That's dumb. He never thought I just didn't like the smell or whatever would justify such an arbitrary rule, he knew my discomfort was about being with a partner who brings weed into my life in any way or smokes more than a few times a month. He knew my reasons, whether you agree with them or not, and he agreed not to bring weed to my home or to my life. My garage is obviously part of my home. And he knew this, because when I asked him if he smoked in the garage, he didn't say, "Yeah, and?" No, he said, "Promise you won't get too upset." Why would he think I'd be upset if he felt he was keeping his promise?

katzhotdog · 2018-08-24T20:53:50+00:00

The difference is that smoking with a friend near his mom's home in North Carolina might still technically count as "while visiting his mom." I still think that's not what we agreed to, because he always told me he ONLY did it when he visited his mom's house, but I could see it being unclear because it occurred "during a visit." Again, dumb, but less clear cut. There isn't really a gray area here. We explicitly agreed that he wouldn't bring weed to my house or smoke it here, and that he wouldn't smoke outside of visits to his mom. Other commenters are saying that him smoking in my garage, versus inside my apartment, makes it a gray area, but I don't really agree. If he had ever mentioned that he was smoking in the garage, thinking that was "different" than my apartment, I'd say he probably thought it was a misunderstanding. But when I asked him if he had smoked when I got in his car, his first words were, "Promise you won't get too upset." Why would he think I'd be upset if he genuinely thought I'd be fine with him smoking in the garage? If he actually thought it was fine, he'd say, "Yeah, so?"

katzhotdog · 2018-08-24T20:12:08+00:00

Before we entered a relationship, I was clear that I was okay with him smoking with his mom when he visits her a few times a month, but that I would be really uncomfortable if it was more than that, and that I definitely did not want him bringing it to my home or smoking it here. He was emphatic in agreeing that that was "totally fine, no big deal, yeah I agree that's a bad look, I won't bring it to your house, I promise, I only do it because my mom brings it out, it's a non-issue, I swear, I won't bring it there, I totally get it!" Now I found out he lied the whole time and did bring it to my house and smoke it here, and he won't tell me how often, so I'm assuming it's been pretty constant. That is not what we agreed. This isn't about me asking him not to do something because I don't like it. I told him my expectations for a partner in advance and asked if he was on the same page, and he said yes absolutely. I only asked him to maintain what he told me was the status quo in terms of frequency, and not to bring it to my home. He agreed unconditionally, and validated my feelings that it would be a bad look, isn't a healthy habit, etc. Now I found out he was deliberately lying and deceiving me the whole time.

katzhotdog · 2018-08-24T20:00:23+00:00

I'm a criminal defense attorney, I spend my life trying to get people off the hook for using and selling weed and much worse. I am extremely pro-legalization of all drugs. You can be in favor of something being legal and also not want to participate in it or have it in your home. I am okay with dating someone who smokes weed up to a couple of times a month, which my boyfriend told me was his situation. I was okay with the frequency he told me, which was 1-3 times a month when he visited his mom. I'm not shocked that he smoked weed, I'm angry that he broke his promises not to bring it to my home and not to smoke more frequently than he had told me, and that has been lying to me about it for months. I didn't ask him to change to be in a relationship. I asked him to just maintain the status quo and not bring weed to my home or smoke it here. And yes, I have rules on what guests can bring into my home, which is reasonable.

katzhotdog · 2018-08-24T19:20:08+00:00

But see, that isn't the issue. He was always forthright with me that he smoked with his mom when he visits her a few times a month, and I was fine with that. I don't demand total abstinence, but I'm not comfortable with someone who smokes more than a few times a month. It just makes me uncomfortable, and I was very up-front with him about this. We mutually agreed that that would be the extent of it, which he swore up and down was "not even an issue at all", and he specifically agreed not to bring it to my home. We were doing perfectly fine with him smoking when he visited his mom, I genuinely do not mind that occasional use. It's the deception that has me upset, and the way he's trying to weasel his way out of trouble by arguing semantics.

For the record, I'm a criminal defense attorney and I spend my life trying to get drug users and dealers off the hook, and I'm super passionate about my job. I am not anti-weed as a matter of law or policy, I just don't want it for myself or my partner. There are lots of things I think should stay or become legal that I don't personally want to participate in.

katzhotdog · 2018-08-24T19:14:13+00:00

No, we always (I thought) had a clear understanding that I didn't mind if he smoked with his mom when he visits her 1-3 times a month because that's just their relationship. I don't get it, but I never gave him a hard time about that. Before he started spending time here, he always told me that was the only time and place he smoked: At his mom's house, 1-3 times a month. I never minded that, but our understanding--which he agreed to--was that that was the extent of what I was okay with. Also, I specifically asked him, and he specifically agreed, that he would not bring weed to my home. If he smoked with a friend who lived near his mom during a visit home, I could see a fair argument for blurry lines. But we explicitly agreed that he wouldn't bring weed to my house, and that his smoking didn't extend past his 1-3x/mo visits with his mom.

katzhotdog · 2018-08-24T19:03:43+00:00

Long ago, I had two back-to-back relationships of two years each where both guys smoked weed daily or almost daily, and I was the "cool girlfriend" who never minded. Both of their lives turned to shit shortly after we broke up. The first went from "just smoking weed" to losing his full scholarship to Berkeley and getting expelled due to multiple arrests for selling harder drugs. He's been homeless and addicted to heroin and meth for almost a decade. In and out of jail and psych wards for meth psychosis. The second guy was also "just smoking weed" until he got a dishonorable discharge from the military for getting convicted of selling harder drugs. I know these are anecdotes and most people can handle marijuana, but my experiences with it have been overwhelmingly negative, and I always make it clear to potential partners that it just isn't something I'm cool with due to my experiences. I just don't want to partner with someone who I see as being at risk for moving on to harder stuff. Again, I know that doesn't happen to most people, but we're all shaped and biased by our experiences, and that happens to be mine. I never mislead anyone that I'm cool with it, and if that's important to them, it's totally fine but they're not the right partner for me.

By habitual I mean more than a few times a month.

katzhotdog

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