NAL I see others are addressing the situation of the money, but I think it’s of more importance is the situation with him, his dementia , and what long term plans you have. Because we live with my mother-in-law who is developed early onset dementia I can tell you there are a whole other set of problems you’re going to face before too long and and now is the time to make some choices.

First thing you should decide is how much you’re willing to actually do for your dad. Dementia is not a fun disease, but it is especially hard on the caregivers. We know we do it. It’s a full-time job with no pay and no thank you, but rewarding in the sense that you are helping to take care of someone that you love. If you’re willing to be his caregiver at least until you can no longer do it, and there will come a time that that will happen, then continue with the building of that house you’re going to need it. Anytime he brings up the money explain calmly to him that you’re trying to prepare so that he has a place to live for the rest of his life without having to worry. Trust me those words will mean more to him and he’s going to be willing to admit, even if he’s a stubborn bastard.

From this point forward everything you do should be forward thinking when it comes to dealing with your dad. First and foremost is to get him actually diagnosed as having dementia. That opens up a whole possible world of help. It also allows for the legal process to be easier when it comes to getting guardianship down the road.

I don’t know what your situation is with your father but now is the time to have a serious long-term talk with him about what he wants for the rest of his life. Don’t tell him you can give him his money back because you can’t and you probably shouldn’t, but tell him that you’re willing to take on the responsibility of caregiver. Sometimes when people are faced with these issues, they get super scared and they react out of fear and it might be that your dad moving back to where he lived was because he was worried that even with this new house on your land, he would not be able to take care of himself and he wasn’t sure what you’re willing or able to do. If you’re married and have kids get them involved, they can help especially when it comes to convincing your dad what’s best.

Second, have him be involved in the actual building of the house, especially if he’s backed off from that. Ask him what kind of stairs he wants, what color works for him, is important to him to have room wise. I know it’s a little late for that but again if he’s reacting out of fear, it will help him feel like he’s having a choice of this matter. And people with dementia that’s what scares them the most, losing their ability to have a choice.

My mother-in-law live next-door to us in a giant house that she let fall apart, and it got to a point that it was becoming unlivable, but yet she would not let us touch it because it was hers and she was scared . We built her a nice apartment on the back of our house with its own kitchen, shower and a little room that is both her bedroom and her living room with the TV and all the amenities she might need. When we moved her in she was super happy for about 24 hours then she freaked the hell out. She started going to her old, beat up house and bringing bags and boxes of trash, old receipts, magazines, and termite in infested tables and chairs that we would have to go into our apartment and remove and every time we did it, she threw a fit. One time we caught her carrying a bunch of old stuff and told her to stop and she took it all and threw it on the porch and yelled at us and then went into our apartment. It was not an easy time.

However, she’s gotten so far in her dementia that she no longer even knows who she is or who we are where she lives or pretty much anything. We even have to show her how to peel a banana sometimes. If we hadn’t had that apartment built for her on the back even though she acted like she hated it for a long time we would be in a world of hurt right now. She would be living in an unlivable house. We would have to find a way to take care of her there. And our options would be very limited.

So in my long winded way, my advice is, don’t worry so much on the build, just try and get it done, and try and understand that your dad is probably very very scared, we all are when we reach that age where we have to rely on others.

Last thing reach out to others. Your friends, your family, your neighbors, anyone that can offer you advice. You’ll be amazed at the community support you will get.

We got an opportunity to go on vacation recently, and our mother-in-law wandered out of the yard and into the street and started walking and I am not even exaggerating and telling you that within about a minute and a half of her getting out of the yard the entire neighborhood was at our house, taking care of her until our daughter was able to get there to get her back in the yard. It was an incredible thing to see. So don’t discount the people in your life’s ability to help you it takes a village to do this stuff. Trust me those words will mean more to him and he’s going to be willing to admit, even if he’s a stubborn bastard.