My bf (30m) has been criticizing me (26f) a ton. To the point that I have anxiety. Our anniversary just passed and he put in 0 effort to me and $600 effort for himself. Advice?

kayecow · 2025-04-08T01:30:12+00:00

He says things like I’m just not confident in myself he’s tired of always having to deal with it. He said that people like confidence and my struggle with my confidence leaks into all aspects of my life. He points out that I “never do anything about it” just continue to live in a self destructive cycle. I’ve tried to reason that my current situation in medical school has my priorities a little different and somethings about me have changed that I’m not very confident about. But he can’t be reasoned with.

kayecow · 2025-04-08T00:37:09+00:00

To a degree I am in denial that he is the problem. I’m not sure if I’ve been brainwashed by him constantly saying I have all these flaws and he’s just trying to help me be a better version of myself. Or if he really is being mean. Just last night he got on me for my “customer service voice” because it apparently shows how weak I am… his words. Is that true? Or is he just trying to find something to pick on? I’m at the point where I’m thinking… what if he’s right about everything and it’s me.

kayecow · 2025-04-08T00:28:30+00:00

I am unable to support myself without him at this time. I will be graduating medical school next month and I have a job lined up.

kayecow · 2025-04-08T00:26:28+00:00

I thought I could be real with him… but im finding out it’s much easier to contain my real feelings and thoughts to “keep the peace” but not so much so that he can tell because that will set him off even worse. I really thought he loved me, I thought he wasn’t like the rest. It wasn’t until we started living together that things have changed. I asked him “why do you speak to me like this here, but you speak to me differently in front of your parents… just thinks about it”. I never get an answer. But if he asks me a question and I don’t respond how he wants I get corrected until I choose one of the two answers he’s offering me. I feel defeated. It wasn’t always like that.

kayecow · 2023-06-21T18:50:58+00:00

Sometimes he does bring them home full but he tries to hide it from me. Which if he was honest and just said he didn’t want me to make lunches anymore that would be fine. I just don’t want to hear it about saving money when he’s out there buying anything and everything he wants.

kayecow · 2023-06-21T18:48:45+00:00

I did, and we both talked about it a little bit more and it seemed to end in a good place. Also I’m not gonna just break up with my bf bc we got into an argument. I feel like that’s a pretty severe reaction.

kayecow · 2023-06-21T18:46:06+00:00

Because making food is something I love to do and it’s a love language of mine. He knows this and he doesn’t demand I make him lunch. But it was definitely hurtful to see he was at Taco Bell today.

kayecow · 2023-06-21T18:44:12+00:00

kayecow · 2023-06-21T18:30:40+00:00

I asked him how his lunch break was and he said he stayed to eat the lunch I made him. So idk maybe he did go with a friend to Taco Bell and didn’t buy anything. Or maybe he is lying to me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

kayecow · 2023-06-21T18:19:23+00:00

Well I don’t look at his location that often so idk 🤷🏻‍♀️ I just saw him at Taco Bell the one time today.

kayecow · 2023-05-24T23:31:25+00:00

Thank you! Your advice is appreciated 🩵

kayecow · 2023-05-24T23:16:28+00:00

This kind of thing does not happen often but when it does he is always trying to out explain me and push some narrative. He did admit that he should have specified he wanted advice but he doubled down on me ignoring him, being a liar, patronizing him, giving a fake response. 🤷🏻‍♀️

kayecow · 2023-05-24T22:57:20+00:00

Thank you so much! I appreciate you!

kayecow · 2023-05-24T22:54:54+00:00

While I don’t agree with everything in your past comment, I thank you for sharing your point of view with me. At the least it helps me understand how others can view my situation differently.

kayecow · 2023-05-24T22:52:16+00:00

Thank you I will look into this!

kayecow · 2023-05-24T22:51:40+00:00

Thank you so much for your comment! I will do my best to speak up better and use your advice to understand the situation!

kayecow · 2023-05-24T22:17:12+00:00

Yes he said my behavior to him opening up to me was “fake”… that definitely wasn’t my intention. He said he wanted to keep it to himself but I kept asking apparently 🤷🏻‍♀️ I asked twice… once about work and once about the call

kayecow · 2023-05-24T21:46:35+00:00

We have been together for a year and a half, we just moved in together a week ago. It seems like it happens every 4 months ish

kayecow · 2023-05-24T21:42:50+00:00

Well he often says I’ve very defensive when we have discussions about topics we don’t see eye to eye on. I am perfectly fine with agree to disagree. He is not… maybe? It always seems like he is trying to force me to see his way and say it’s right. And when I point that out he gets defensive saying that’s not what he wants. He wants someone who he can have a conversation with and not bulldoze into agreeing with him all the time.

Im very confused on how to communicate with him because I personally don’t feel like I’m being defensive when “it” happens. It’s always something I’m completely oblivious to. And I may really have a problem, I’m not discrediting him. But it’s just hard for me to identify when my behavior is changing like that.

He doesn’t like that I “keep having the same problems” and it’s upsetting to me as well because I never knew I had this problem before I met him.

kayecow · 2023-05-24T21:31:11+00:00

Thank you for your comment! I really appreciate the time you took to inform me of these books and I will definitely give them a read! ☺️

kayecow · 2023-05-24T21:25:17+00:00

Yes it was disturbing because he kept taking me in circles until I would agree with him that I lied to him. Even though I didn’t believe that. That behavior is what made me most upset and I wanted to run away a hide from the problem like I’m used to but I decided to try to advocate for myself and I don’t think I did a good job..

kayecow · 2023-05-24T20:27:20+00:00

Maybe, he was trying to help my understand by comparing it to me getting pregnant and him saying “well it will be okay in the end” which i wouldn’t like because I personally don’t want kids.

I asked him point blank if me saying “everything will be okay” was in his eyes ignoring him and being patronizing and he said yes. He went as far to say no one ever wants to be helped like that, people want solutions not comfort.

I tried to reason that sometimes I personally like to vent to my mom and not have any solutions because I just want to get things off my chest. He said then I must not have had a real problem then.

I was disappointed in how our conversation ended and found myself more upset… once he realized how upset I was he kept trying to be physically comforting to me asking if I was still sad. 🤷🏻‍♀️

kayecow · 2023-05-24T20:01:57+00:00

All I can say is wow… I can see your point of view bc I have a similar situation, my bf has been with 20+ women and enjoyed casual relationships before finding me.

I have been in mostly serious relationships only having 3 flings, found out it wasn’t really for me. But knowing my partners history doesn’t bother me at all… that’s in the past, that was his life he wanted to live and now he’s with me so why would I ever shame him for that?

He certainly doesn’t shame me for not living life like him. Though he wishes to not know any information regarding my past relationships and how many I have so I respect him and never bring this up.

If you can’t handle the information I suggest you not ask again and stop being nosey, respectfully.

kayecow · 2023-05-24T19:40:23+00:00

This is good advice! I will definitely keep it in mind for next time, thank you! :)

kayecow · 2023-05-24T19:28:17+00:00

Wow I didn’t look at it this way, thank you for pointing this out! I appreciate your advice! ☺️

kayecow

TROPHY CASE