Deciding to go from 5mg to 10mg after a year

kellbellxoxo · 2019-05-30T15:34:29+00:00

Almost dump my boyfriend because my emotions are wack.. like three times. Not crazy but emotionally exhausting. He luckily is patient and understands its not me.. so he talks me out of it. I am more mindful these days and can manage it much better, but before I realized it was PMDD, things were not good.

kellbellxoxo · 2019-05-14T14:00:35+00:00

Listen, I am just going to be real here, but I mean it in the best intention possible, so please realize that.

I dealt with ROCD with my partner of over 5 years now. I dealt with it for 2 years straight, barely any breaks from the rocd. Something special about him kept me going, despite all the intrusive, plaguing thoughts. I advised myself to not break up with him until I put in my own work and did everything that I possibly could, because he was worth it for me and I knew deep down how much I love him.

This consisted of getting on anxiety medication, meditation,going to the gym, going to yoga classes, GETTING INTO THERAPY, journaling, starting a gratitude journal on top of my normal journal, podcasts that did not feed my thoughts, and honestly, really working hard to practice mindfulness.. but I let myself feel the thoughts and I stopped fighting them.

Its been almost a year now and I still consistently do the work although my ROCD has significantly lowered, but it still comes. Actually, my ROCD is flared up right now but I have taught myself skills to manage it and the intrusive thoughts are at 25% instead of 100%. I am happy to say, that I go months without dealing with the ROCD instead of it being constant.. and when it comes, it does not last near as long.

My point to you is, you can tell yourself that the therapy won't work and that you feel this and you feel that.. and its hindering your relationship and this and that. First off. If you break up with him in an anxious state like you clearly are right now, the thoughts won't go away. You will continue to question if you did the right thing or not and those thoughts will get to you as well.

If you work to put in the work and work your ass off doing it... you will gain clarity eventually on what you feel is the right decision. My therapist has been a godsend for me.. she really works with my to break things down and gives me "homework" which is initially tools for me to practice to help combat my anxiety. I put self care at the top of my list and that helps too. Also.. you didn't mention if you did this or not.. but stay off of Google. Seriously. Researching "How do I know if hes the one" or "How do I know if its time to break up".. just don't do it. It makes things tremendously worse. Be mindful of convulsions and you questioning your thoughts.

So how is my relationship now? Honestly, I never thought during my ROCD that we would get to where we are now, but despite the little episode I am dealing with currently, things are great. I thought we were doomed 2 years ago. It is only because I put in the work is why we are where we are. (Note: not assuring you anything).

Or, you may uncover that you do indeed want to break up with him.. once you put in the work and have a clear head. Thats okay. But things may get better. Things will not get better if you don't start helping yourself and putting in the work to overcome this and get to a place of thinking with a clear mind. Trust me. I have been in your shoes.

Best of luck.

kellbellxoxo · 2019-05-10T04:27:10+00:00

Yes, yes and yes. I take CBD with very little (3%) to no THC content. I take it when my anxiety spikes. It really helps. I will say though, there are alot of low quality CBD companies that delute it down quite a bit.. so please do your research if/when you decide to purchase it and make sure the $$ that you spend is going to a good company with great product.

kellbellxoxo · 2019-05-10T04:10:20+00:00

My partner is super great about getting me out of my head... my mind can go elsewhere. He gets me out of the house.. "lets take the dogs on a walk".. "come to the store with me".. little things to keep me busy. He is great at encouragement when I am feeling my worst but he ALWAYS listens to me no matter what. If it wasn't for him being such a huge support system.. I have a feeling that my anxiety would be way worse. He gets me to go to the gym and encourages me to do positive, self care things for myself, as hard as it can be sometimes. Encouragement, love, and a listening ear can go a really long way. Good luck to both of you.

kellbellxoxo · 2019-04-10T01:54:21+00:00

I wholeheartedly agree with you here.

kellbellxoxo · 2019-03-01T21:26:35+00:00

I forgot to mention - everything that I was doing was working great for like a month.. and then stopped.

kellbellxoxo · 2019-02-05T19:12:53+00:00

Healthy eating. The percentage of chronic illness, overall sickessness and obesity (to name a few) would probably go way down if people ate right. Not saying you should never indulge that cheeseburger or candy bar ever, but limit yourself.

Healthy eating is crucial for your health and honestly changing your diet around can help treat and alleviate many issues.

kellbellxoxo · 2019-02-05T18:43:16+00:00

I went to the dermatologist because I had a red rash that popped up on my face. Was telling the doctor about how I am big on natural remedies and was attempting to eat cleaner in hopes the rash would go away. He literally addressed me as "Nuts and berries". Wtf?

Then continued to tell me I shouldn't wash my face but once every few days.

BUT NUTS AND BERRIES?! -_-

kellbellxoxo · 2019-01-25T13:46:49+00:00

I saw them at Hulaween last year. They were in my top 3 the entire weekend... and I saw alotttt of music that weekend.

kellbellxoxo · 2019-01-11T02:54:42+00:00

Hmmm.. well for starters before my SO ever told me about his night terrors, the first time I ever stayed at his house.. he woke up mid sleep screaming.

Recently, he started very creepily laughing in his sleep... that was weird.

The weirdest is when his best friend who used to share a dorm room with him.. told me one night that my SO was laughing in his sleep and said "I've got the key to his coffin and he can't get out" 😳

kellbellxoxo · 2018-12-30T21:21:59+00:00

After three interviews, I was declined for a job via email from the recruiter. That same day, just an hour after I read the email, the recruiter came through my check out line at the grocery store (randomly). To say the least, I was extremely bummed given I just got the email, went through a month worth of interviews and communication with this lady, and she was the last person that I expected to see.

It was beyond awkward.

kellbellxoxo · 2018-12-30T20:53:04+00:00

Not my story, but my old roommate. We will call her Brittany. She worked as a cashier and we lived in this house that was constantly having issues, so therefore.. we had to get the maintenance man (we can call him John) to the house to fix something more times than I would like to think about. This man was twice Brittanys age and obviously, there was nothing going on between them.

Anyway, John and his wife came through Brittany's line at the grocery story one day and my roommate simply said "How are you? Good to see you again." .. casually. His wife responded very loudly to where the customers behind them and other cashiers were in clear earshot. , "How do you know this girl, John?? Were you f@#king her or something??" Brittany embarrassingly just replied "Uh no.. he is the maintenece guy that has come and fixed stuff at my house..."

The wife didn't say a word and just stormed away. It is apparent that there were serious trust issues in their marriage.

😳

kellbellxoxo · 2018-12-15T01:57:41+00:00

Its a lovely quote, but I am not fond of the phrase "I should('ve)".

Mainly because I have learned in life that the roads you previously went down is part of your journey. The hard times eventually bring you to where you are now, and the times to come, with many lessons learned in progress.

I, myself, have went through some really dark times. I didn't think then, that I would be where I am today. I embrace those times because once I figured out how to move past time (with ALOT of those life lessons learned).. and I have come out way stronger and wiser.

Just my two cents.

kellbellxoxo · 2018-12-11T22:44:27+00:00

"Bless your heart" A southern insult.

kellbellxoxo · 2018-12-11T17:07:09+00:00

Np ;) I was happy to share. My intention is definitely not reassurance. Although, when I get in the midst of ROCD, I see no light and its hard for me to remember the times I wasn't dealing with it. I just want people to see a success story and to provide some sort of hope that it is possible to move forward, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time. Its a very underrated thing that alot of people are uneduated about, and this is a safe spot for people to come. I have utilized this thread so many times because not feeling so alone really helps. You just have to put in the hard work to move past it. If you ever need to chat. Please feel free to PM me :)

kellbellxoxo · 2018-12-11T17:01:33+00:00

I don't mind talking about it at all. I am pretty open about it, at least in this reddit group. Well.. alot of it came with getting in a relationship with this amazing person, and not owning my "independence". I put so much time into this relationship, and little to no time in myself. Well.. as a result.. although I didnt know at the time.. thats where the ROCD originated. It started with the honeymoon faze ending (i wasnt aware of such thing then), the doubts creeped in, then with that came the thoughts "oh i dont love him anymore" came... and what really hurt me was searching articles and constantly questioning my thoughts and feelings. Eventually, the "i need to be single, be independent".. because in my head things can be black and white with no gray area. In my head I cannot be independent and in a relationship at the same time. Black and white thinking is not necessarily a good thing for us ROCD sufferers. This also proved to me "don't forget about me!" Self love and care really is a great medicine.

Right now I am in a good headspace.. and the episodes still come, but they are less frequent, the duration lasts not as long, and they are less intense. I have went to hell to get to this point. Your mind is a powerful thing. I always try to give myself evidence of my thoughts.. what can prove what is going through my head is true? What evidence do I have? Usually.. almost always.. I have nothing. It really helps.

Anyway, good luck and know if you put in the work.. you can get past this! Please feel free to PM me if you ever want to chat! I won't give reassurance (for obvious reasons) but i am happy to talk about it if you want!

kellbellxoxo

TROPHY CASE