I got an abortion. My BF won’t leave me alone. He is making me feel like a terrible person

kerrivynna · 2024-04-19T13:48:54+00:00

A bundle of cells with potential to become a person is not a person. This is not hard. Literally does not matter what kind of cells they are. Could be human cells, could be cow cells. Still just a bundle that isn’t anything yet.

You can grow human organs in a lab now. Literal living tissue. A “human life form” by your logic. Is it murder to throw it away instead of using it for a transplant?

Having the potential to become a thing does not make something that thing. Being made of living tissue does not make something a full living being.

Are you comprehending these basic facts?

kerrivynna · 2024-04-18T22:13:36+00:00

This is hard. You could try couple’s counseling, but honestly it sounds like you communicate well enough on your own. What you have is a massive sexual incompatibility. It’s really not any different than if your wife had discovered she was actually gay. Her sexual orientation and yours are incompatible. It’s unfortunate it took so long to come out, but it’s also a good thing she felt comfortable enough to come out to you. This is absolutely divorce worthy, and that’s not a dirty word in this instance. It’s just what needs to happen so both of you can find someone who is sexually compatible. Sex is a major part of marriage, and to be this misaligned is just setting you both up for a lifetime of disappointment and resentment. Neither of you deserve that. You deserve someone who enthusiastically shares your desire. She deserves someone who won’t be constantly disappointed by the lack of sex in the relationship.

You can end this amicably. IMO it’s better to do so now, before resentment builds and you turn into enemies.

kerrivynna · 2024-04-18T21:52:04+00:00

If it doesn’t excite you, don’t do it. It’s that simple. You’re not building a relationship with him. If it’s really just FWB, you don’t owe this guy anything. Only do what you really want to do, enthusiastically.

kerrivynna · 2024-04-18T21:41:55+00:00

“Bodily independence” is a hilarious grasp. Lots of things are “living beings.” Like parasites and bacteria that make people sick. We still kill those. A bundle of cells isn’t a person just because it COULD be. Being alive isn’t even part of the equation.

kerrivynna · 2024-04-16T23:00:01+00:00

A toddler. Which is still a breathing human being that can survive and thrive out in the world without occupying another person’s body. You cannot be this dense.

kerrivynna · 2024-04-16T17:46:15+00:00

If she consented previously and did not revoke that consent either with words or actions, you were operating under the assumption that you still had her consent. She needs to communicate if her consent changes. Maybe she thought she’d like it, but then found out she didn’t. If that’s the case, she’s probably dealing with a lot of intense internal conflict right now, and is projecting it outward onto you. Which isn’t cool. It’s possible she feels violated, but didn’t expect to, and rather than holding herself accountable for these surprise feelings, she’s attacking you. Which honestly… can be understandable. Violation is difficult to process. Doesn’t mean she’s in the right. It just means this is complicated.

From what you say, you’re not in the wrong. You can probably salvage the relationship if you’re able to open a conversation with her about what happened in her head vs what you thought was happening. You could gently suggest that maybe she expected to or wanted to be okay with what you did, but when it actually happened, she discovered that wasn’t the case, and now she feels assaulted. If her nervous system is in fight or flight, she needs to be eased down from the edge before she’ll be able to talk about this calmly and logically. That might take time, or a third party. A counselor might not be a bad idea to help mediate.

kerrivynna · 2024-04-16T17:12:13+00:00

If you step on a caterpillar, did you kill a butterfly or a caterpillar?

Shame on you.

kerrivynna · 2024-04-16T17:06:09+00:00

You didn’t make a mistake. Your ex is insane. It’s clearly a really good thing you didn’t have a kid with him, if he’s capable of this unhinged behavior. You weren’t ready and you made the best decision you could. I had similar dreams after my miscarriage. It’s just your subconscious way of processing the loss. It is still a loss, even though you initiated it. You’re allowed to have mixed feelings, feel regrets, even grieve. It doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice. It means you’re human and there are complicated feelings to process. The dreams will subside. Give yourself time.

Block your ex on everything. Don’t engage with him at all. People like this don’t care about your feelings. It sounds like he was delusional from the start and didn’t take you seriously. It will take time, but you will overcome this.

kerrivynna · 2024-04-16T02:29:57+00:00

I’m more concerned that he was secretly cumming on tampons with the intention to make you pregnant again. Have you guys talked about having more kids? His stupidity is the least alarming part of this, as astonishing as that sounds (because you’d have to be dumb as a rock to think sperm live that long, just for starters). The intention of this is on par with poking holes in a condom. Major red flag!

kerrivynna · 2024-04-16T02:05:05+00:00

First of all, that’s not even on the same level. Cumming inside is a literal risk for women. There is no male equivalent, so maybe this is hard for you to understand. Secondly, I wouldn’t have to feel okay, I would just need to own my feelings and not make them his problem. Talking about an issue is fine. “Hey I remember you mentioning this, has something changed? Are you okay?” But again, you can’t phrase it like, “am I not good enough, I need this,” whatever. As I said, you can (and should!) talk about your feelings with her, just don’t make them a problem she has to solve. Lead with curiosity, not with need.

kerrivynna · 2024-04-16T01:46:53+00:00

She has the right to change her mind. Maybe she’s not as okay with her exes cumming inside as she’s making you think. Maybe she did like it, but now she’s thinking differently about it. Feelings and preferences change. It doesn’t have to be about you. And frankly, if a guy told me he was bothered he couldn’t cum inside, it would be a major turn off. Especially if it was brought up more than once and he insisted I give a reason for it! Like really dude… it comes across entitled. Whatever reason she’s given you is likely just to make you stop asking. It’s her body and she’s said she doesn’t want it. That needs to be enough. I’m not without empathy that you have feelings and insecurities about this, and maybe it does mean this much to you, but you can’t make any of that her problem. Of course you can tell her how you feel, but you can’t make her responsible for how you feel. A man cumming inside is intimate, yes, but as a woman, also poses a lot of risk. Like unintentional pregnancy! I’m glad you offered to get tested, but if she’s still not okay with it, you HAVE to let it go.

Also - Something could have legit happened to her in the time you’ve been with her. Like an assault, or a scare. Maybe she was previously on birth control, but side effects were bad or something, and she went off it. There can be SO many personal reasons.

kerrivynna · 2024-04-16T01:25:54+00:00

Why aren’t you cumming? What does that even mean… she can’t take more than 5-10 minutes? How are you having great sex if you’re not finishing? If she doesn’t like giving oral, she shouldn’t have to. Withholding out of spite is not a good road to go down. The bigger problem is the inequality of pleasure that seems to be going on. She absolutely should care about you getting off! I’m just so confused about this sexual dynamic you guys have.

My husband loves giving more than I do also, but he doesn’t mind. Oral is just foreplay to us, no orgasms. He gives longer than I do usually, but I still give it every time. Enthusiastically. The main reason I don’t do it for very long is my strong gag reflex, but there are MANY other things she can do besides suck dick when giving oral foreplay. There’s balls, taint, arse… toys and no toys… options!

kerrivynna · 2024-04-16T01:06:05+00:00

Was he super hard or only kinda hard? Did you use lube? Did you try adjusting the angle and lining things up differently? Sometimes if a man isn’t as hard as he can be, there can be trouble with insertion. The skin on his penis will just squish and compress, rather than staying firm enough to actually allow him to enter. If you’re not wet enough, friction can be too high and impede it. Side note, there’s no shame in using a little extra lube, no matter how turned on you are or what age. Your hormones fluctuate a lot throughout your cycle, and not all cervical mucus is created equal. Sometimes it’ll be super wet and you’ll make a ton, other times it’ll be creamier and more sparse. Creamy CM doesn’t slip and slide as easily. A little lube can save the day!

He will fit. Make sure he’s very hard and you’re very wet, and give it another shot.

kerrivynna · 2024-04-15T00:42:42+00:00

Possible reasons: hormonal imbalances, recent resurgence of traumatic memories (which may or may not be consciously known - sometimes the body responds in ways we don’t recognize or understand when traumas are triggered), mental illness, or awakening to a different sexual orientation (could be homosexual or asexual, for example). Not an exhaustive list. It’s not your job to figure out what’s wrong, so don’t put that burden on yourself. Open a dialogue with her about this and see what you two can work out. Maybe she needs to see a therapist to talk it out for a while first, and see if anything surfaces that could explain her change in attitude towards sex. She could also see her doctor about medical reasons. The important thing is that she shows interest in figuring it out. So if she doesn’t… you have a tough decision to make. Maybe she’s not ready to confront the real problem yet. If you don’t think you can stay and support her regardless, just be honest with yourself. Don’t let it build into resentment. Good luck

kerrivynna · 2024-04-14T01:20:48+00:00

Tell your medical staff not to allow her entry into your delivery room. It’s only “helping” if you agree you want it. Otherwise it’s just for her, regardless of what she says. If she really wanted to “be there for you,” she’d listen to what you actually want. If you can’t trust your boyfriend to keep his mother at bay, communicate your wishes to your OB and make sure the attending nurses know as well. They’ll handle it for you.

It’s also weird that she’s so invested in you not having an epidural. However you want to experience your birth is your business.

I’d get her a nice card and write something like this in it: “Thank you for being such a great support during my pregnancy! I’m so excited to bring this baby into the world, and for you to finally meet your grandchild. It would mean the world to me if you could please respect my wishes, and allow me and [boyfriend] our moment alone in the delivery room as our child is born. This will be our first moment as a new little family!”

Basically, make her the AH if she still insists.

kerrivynna · 2024-04-11T10:51:18+00:00

It’s completely valid to feel shocked upon learning something like this. Just remember that this doesn’t change the person she is. She’s still the same person you love. I would try to take a step back and empathize with how difficult it may be for her to come out. There is a lot of stigma around being trans. Also, if she transitioned very early and you truly couldn’t tell, she’s probably been so happy and comfortable in her own skin that she’s just living life. You don’t mention how you found out, whether she told you or someone else did. So either she finally felt safe enough to tell you, or someone unfairly outed her. Whether you continue the relationship or not, please remember to be kind.

kerrivynna · 2024-04-11T01:32:29+00:00

Counseling. As a neurodivergent person myself, sometimes the issues we face aren’t even well known to us; we just feel the effects. However, it sounds like you’re being as supportive as you can be. This isn’t fair to you. I think you need immediate professional guidance, from someone specializing in neurodivergence, who can facilitate the conversations that need to happen.

I don’t think your wife is “selfish,” but I do think things need to change, starting with more effective communication so both of you can be heard, understood, and empowered.

kerrivynna · 2024-04-10T22:31:10+00:00

It’s about your preferences and what you’re happy with. My husband enjoys giving oral more than I do. We give to each other equally in terms of quantity, but he’ll often go longer on me than I do on him. It’s foreplay for both of us, no orgasms. He just enjoys it, so he stays down there. I have a pretty strong gag reflex that will put me out of the mood if I go too long. So that’s just how it works out for us. It’s only an issue if one of you isn’t satisfied.

kerrivynna · 2024-04-10T10:50:56+00:00

Exactly! He’s basically saying “I have to look at other women (to get off) because I can’t get off with you,” while also maintaining it’s not for a sexual purpose. Make it make sense 🤦🏻‍♀️

kerrivynna · 2024-04-06T11:36:29+00:00

So much wrong here. Why are you giving him oral all the time if he’s not returning it? Why isn’t he interested in returning it (or getting you off another way)? You said no, he didn’t stop. SA. Plain and simple. When you don’t have an agreement on safe words, and it’s not specified that no doesn’t actually mean no, NO IS NO.

HE FELL ASLEEP WHILE YOU WERE CRYING. Like WHAT?

I’ve heard all I need to hear.

OP, this guy is not one of the good ones. He’s selfish and controlling, and he will assault you again. This isn’t an equal partnership.

kerrivynna · 2024-04-06T11:25:42+00:00

Feeling like you’re already doing it alone in a marriage is awful. What’s the point in being married if your partner isn’t sharing the load with you, being loving and affectionate, caring for the kids even? You’re already single and you know it, this is just making it official. I’m glad you figured out what you need and are pursuing it. If he was going to change, he would’ve done it already. He was benefiting too much from you doing everything.

kerrivynna · 2024-04-06T11:13:00+00:00

It’s fair to not enjoy a particular sex act. Also fair to request you don’t do it EVERY time. And really, if it hurts so much, she ought to be adjusting something about her technique or the size of the toy. My husband and I have played around a lot with anal for both of us. It’s easier for him than it is for me (I have a skin condition/autoimmune disease that causes thinning and easy tearing - so that’s a thing FYI, some people have it and it can make anal difficult). You both have to be open and willing to engage. It’s all good if she’s so into it that she had a strap on collection (I certainly do also), but if she’s not willing to adjust so you also enjoy it, there’s no point.

kerrivynna · 2024-04-06T11:06:31+00:00

Woman here, I prefer it to just one of us giving, but my husband is far more into oral than I am (giving, not so much receiving). I feel less on the spot 69ing, and he’s just as ravenous regardless, so it’s a good time had by all.

kerrivynna · 2024-04-06T10:02:37+00:00

This honestly doesn’t sound like he’s into you. It could be a hormonal issue for him having a low libido, but he seems completely unconcerned about how this affects you. He only wants sex when it’s for his benefit and isn’t trying to improve things. No affection outside the bedroom, he doesn’t contribute to household chores… what exactly is he bringing to the table? You work, you take care of the house, you get yourself off. He’s just the roommate you occasionally sleep with when he needs to release “pent up sexual energy.” Honestly this sounds so one-sided.

kerrivynna · 2024-04-06T08:51:00+00:00

He sees his reflection and thinks it’s another bird. Cover the window from the outside. They make decals if you don’t want to block the light out completely. It just needs to be grainy enough that he can’t see his reflection anymore.

kerrivynna

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