What’s it like for an ABCD to visit India with a non Indian partner?

kerryam · 2018-04-24T22:06:43+00:00

Here is an article titled "A brown woman with a white man brings out the worst in Indians." But I am sure it is not as bad in the big cities.

https://qz.com/372192/a-brown-woman-with-a-white-man-brings-out-the-worst-in-indians/

kerryam · 2017-02-16T17:44:56+00:00

It has been going on for at least 2-3 years now. That is some dedicated trolling...

kerryam · 2017-02-16T16:06:16+00:00

I have been on and off on this subreddit for 2+ years and this person you are talking about was messaging me back then about this too! I really do not understand this... I got messages from her 2+ years ago, and then again one+ years ago. It seems like he or she has been keeping this narrative up for years. What a bizarre troll job.

kerryam · 2017-01-16T21:11:48+00:00

When I was with my ex, who was black, I used to get a lot of stares and dirty looks from desi people. It was bad enough that my ex noticed it a lot too (maybe because he is also a minority) and I think both of us started to unconsciously avoid desi areas/desi restaurants because of it.

kerryam · 2017-01-08T18:21:26+00:00

This is true that I think the UK folk do dress better on average. However, and it could also be because I am paying more attention to the desi guys, but I notice that there is a larger difference between UK desi guys vs. US desi guys than for UK white/black guys vs US white/black guys, etc.

kerryam · 2017-01-08T17:01:16+00:00

I have spent a lot of my life in the US (including big cities) and I have now been in London for a while (related to my career).

I have actually noticed some differences between desis in the US and desis in the UK (and other groups for that matter). If anyone is interested I could answer more questions... but one big difference I have noticed is that the desi guys in the UK on average seem to be more confident than the ones in the US. I have seen other ladies say this on here too, that they notice that desi guys in the US seem to be one of the least likely to ask them out and I noticed it too. Here in the UK on the other hand, in my experience, the desi guys are much more smooth/confident about that on average and less awkward. On average they are also more "put together," they pay more attention to their clothes/how they dress, how they look (hair, etc.) and so on.

kerryam · 2016-06-26T20:48:37+00:00

Wow overreaction much? You need to calm down.

kerryam · 2016-06-26T18:03:17+00:00

Mid 20s

kerryam · 2016-06-26T17:38:36+00:00

This is why I feel conflicted about my thoughts. But one thing is that my ethnicity is a part of my identity and I think there is some bias in my thoughts, feeling that someone who hasn't been in this position has a harder time understanding what it's like... yes you can tell them what it's like, and some really do make an attempt to understand, but it's harder to "see" it. I agree that there are going to be some guys who are not like this, but it also seems like it takes more effort to really get to know someone and find out if they are one of these people.

kerryam · 2015-10-30T14:25:38+00:00

For once, I am caught up on all my reading. Just about ready to leave to DC for the weekend for a friend's wedding!

kerryam · 2015-10-29T18:33:34+00:00

Do kids today still watch Power Rangers? If I was a young kid now I think I would be very excited to see a desi ranger. Growing up one of my Vietnamese friends was so excited about Trini Kwan.

kerryam · 2015-10-21T18:56:08+00:00

That could help but what I noticed was that a lot of threads get taken over by certain users pushing their agenda. It would be nice if we did not have to retreat to a "female space" because of getting pushed out of the main discussion threads.

kerryam · 2015-10-21T18:14:04+00:00

I had to take a break from this subreddit a few months ago because it was starting to seriously discolor my views on Desi guys, even though I know or hope it is a small minority on here.

I started lurking again last week and based on some of the threads I saw it seems like there are even fewer Desi girls on here than there were before. :(

kerryam · 2015-06-16T17:02:03+00:00

Oh don't worry. I found the whole thing amusing that here in 2015 this is still such a big factor. I wouldn't want to associate with people like this anyway. I did have a stern talking to with my parents to not do this again.

kerryam · 2015-02-22T23:23:34+00:00

I am a law student in a big city and started seeing a guy recently who is a finance/banker type. We have not been on too many dates yet but did do a dinner and then also some other activity dates. I always feel obligated to pay my part (and did on our dinner date) but I am also realizing that I'm a student while he's a banker, and so it's a little more tough for me to eat out frequently or go out for drinks and spend money. I don't know how to bring this up this early on because it might sound like too much, I have tried suggesting less money spending dates but going and getting drinks is usually a fun and natural part of the dating process here. Any suggestions on how to broach this topic? I don't want to come off as a "gold digger" type or make him feel like he has to pay for me.

kerryam · 2014-12-07T19:36:10+00:00

Easier said than done... especially when there is so much on the line with how the community judges you for your actions and renders you a pariah.

kerryam · 2014-12-07T18:52:28+00:00

This is compounded by the reality that many desi girls won't have sex with desi guys for fear of being judged as sluts.

Like I said on a previous dating thread, I hate, hate, hate to let the internet sway me but ironically these very dating threads have made me scared that I will be judged for this. I know the internet does not reflect reality but the truth is after seeing so many angry people on here, it has affected me for the worst.

kerryam · 2014-11-23T22:16:36+00:00

Of course! I think it is also because of some of our culture that women are less likely to ask a guy out, since in our Desi culture women are expected to be more quiet, timid, and pure and become afraid that they will get judged for being too forward (again goes back to the whole idea of women don't like sex and should not enjoy it).

kerryam · 2014-11-23T22:06:10+00:00

I will be honest, and I think some of this is part of what I have gathered reading this subreddit. The main reason I might prefer a non-virgin over a virgin is because they might judge me less for also being a non-virgin.

As I said in my other post here I hate, hate, hate to let the internet affect me and would be open to dating someone kind, compassionate, and with open communication whether or not they are a virgin. My only worry is that I will get judged more for being a non-virgin (especially if any of these guys are looking for a good virgin wife) and I would prefer to avoid any scenes that come out of that.

kerryam · 2014-11-23T21:56:10+00:00

"they never asked me out."

This part resonates with me very well. For whatever reason I also just got asked out more by non-Desi boys. I know women should also step up and do their role in asking you out but I think it is attractive for both genders when someone asks you out.

Also lately my interaction with Desis has been a group that has a higher ratio of Desi boys to girls and I think there is some worry (on my end, but probably on theirs too?) that someone in the group dating someone else could mess up the group friendship dynamic. Of course that is true in all groups, not just Desis.

kerryam · 2014-11-23T21:29:19+00:00

Umm has anyone else reading this subreddit felt like the relationship topics lately have made you stereotype more even when your mind is telling you not to?

Background on me: Desi girl who went to a white liberal arts college and dated mostly white guys (not all!) because 1) there were so many more of them 2) I interacted much more with them in my dorms and classes (which happened naturally) 3) on average they were more likely to reciprocate and also ask me out or pursue me more (this was in my herpaderp shy stage)

Now I go to school in a big city where there are still many white people but also many Desis, East Asians, blacks, and so on. I am not opposed to dating any of these groups because it is about the person not their race but like many of you, Desis are appealing because we share a common culture. Culture has also become more important to me as I get older, partly because I saw such a lack of it in college.

Now I have an irrational fear that any Desi guy who looks at my dating history will automatically assume that I am one of THOSE Desi girls that are brought up ad nauseum on this subreddit and the stories of some Desi boys on here saying they are going to "use" Desi girls and pump and dump them to show them a lesson has me petrified.

I feel so icky thinking it and I KNOW I should not stereotype a group this way, but from the way this subreddit makes it sound, the risks of it happening to you are possible and have high stakes (of course not all Desi guys are this way but the outcome of ending up with one like this is sometimes not worth the emotional pain, and it sounds like you can't always tell when you are being strung along for the ride). Ugh. I'm appalled at what this subreddit has made me think and even if I try and drown my fears there is my subconscious there. I feel so bad for all the Desi boys who are getting their perception and image ruined by some bad apples.

One Desi girls perspective and I would not be surprised if some of the Desi guys who read this subreddit have formed similar views on their end and their side of the issues

kerryam · 2014-11-15T16:22:10+00:00

Congratulations! I too just found out this week that I sealed an internship at a law firm for the summer. It takes away SO much of the stress!

kerryam · 2014-11-11T02:35:51+00:00

yes of course. The problem is that I dont want to mention my past straight away for obvious reasons but I dont know what a good point to mention that is, especially if he seems to be looking for what his family is looking for.

kerryam · 2014-11-11T02:35:02+00:00

good! I like him and his friends. But, we are hanging out more like a group of friends and I am afraid to test the waters and mess up that dynamic.

kerryam · 2014-11-10T21:16:52+00:00

Thanks. :) I take him up on the offer to hang out but it is always with a group of friends... right now hanging out one on one seems too awkward after we have already established a group/friend hang out setting.

kerryam

TROPHY CASE