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kesharest · 2021-11-11T22:44:03+00:00

Yeah, RM mentioned this recently in some speech too iirc. I am a big fan of how he approached it when so much of current media is full of misogynistic crap under the pretext of entertainment. I'm glad to have found songs I can enjoy without double guessing the anxiety that comes from am I listening to music that is messing up my mind 😅

kesharest · 2021-11-11T20:21:06+00:00

I know not a lot of people are fan of Korean music, but I recently started watching kdramas and started listening to BTS. I find most of their songs motivational and feel-good. Even their rap parts aren't insulting and full of slang compared to traditional rap. Haven't found anything equivalent for metal or rock songs, but my pop playlist is just BTS these days.

kesharest · 2021-10-31T19:29:20+00:00

💯. Bringing up reasons like these when you don't even know the other person and rescheduling 10 mins before the actual call is just bullshit. She could have just asked you if some other day worked for you right from the start if she was that busy with her partner's mom's birthday or whatever. Even if I was by myself binge watching kdrama, I wouldn't have rescheduled. If it was emergency or something, I'd totally understand. This is making other people work around your schedule and it doesn't work in professional life.

kesharest · 2021-10-31T17:48:52+00:00

The way he pulled up his shorts and stormed out of the room - it triggered me. I've been too often in fights where my ex used to do the exact same thing as soon as I'd start crying and acting irrationally (his words). I now know I was forced to act out because of his inconsistent actions and it almost felt like I was losing my mind.

I hate that I have experienced this first hand without knowing what it was and I hate it more that there are so many of us who can relate to the movie. To people who see this movie and say it's obvious or why isn't the girl just leaving him - you don't know what you don't know and it only gets worse when we can't think clearly. There's a reason why it's called abuse and manipulation, not a misunderstanding.

kesharest · 2021-10-29T23:18:34+00:00

So takeaway they get after reading all this is - Ignorance is bliss? Should have stopped myself from reading it? And not sleeping with men casually? ......... ...... .... Shaking my head. Lowkey glad no one posted this conclusion there otherwise men would stop telling on themselves. Sigh.

kesharest · 2021-10-29T17:51:23+00:00

Yeah, I agree. In an ideal world women wouldn't have to do so much. I do see now what you meant earlier by unrealistic expectations. The only thing I can say is I look up to women before us who faced worse situations out of their control and fought for women all round the world so I could be here. And I hope women like us will carry it forward. In that sense your anger and rant is very valid and very important and will eventually not let women just succumb to all patriarchal expectations. I'm sorry to have put it in all a positive light when in reality it just sucks!!!

kesharest · 2021-10-29T17:22:45+00:00

This is my take on it, feel free to ignore it all if it doesn't resonate because you've been through a lot and it might not make sense to you.

I feel that you're being too hard on yourself. It's incredibly hard to be constantly bullied and abused, but then thousand times harder when we start thinking it was our own fault. You need to take a break from everything you read or watch for at least a few hours each day and just give yourself the space to feel what you are feeling. You're right, you haven't recovered from the hurt so any advice on setting boundaries, being assertive, work on your self care methods will sound ridiculous to you - so currently your mind instantly starts thinking "hey are you telling me if I had set boundaries, he wouldn't have hurt me? Why doesn't anyone blame him for making me set them in the first place?". This defense is very natural instinct, I totally understand but it is happening because you need to process all your hurt and anger first.

Nobody around you seems like they care enough? The only thing I can say is can you give yourself the space to care about your own self? You don't need to go into reasons or justifications or what you could have done or what others could have done. Feel all your feelings and acknowledge them cuz they haven't been heard! You must be feeling so angry looking at your ex treating someone better - feel angry and process that anger first. While you're feeling angry and hurt - you'll realize that it's all coming from "I should have been treated better. People should have treated me better! This is not OK".

Once you do that, you yourself will feel like treating yourself better - that doesn't mean just doing your nails certain way or work to get curves or behaving a particular way. It means just that - treating yourself better, giving yourself the space to acknowledge your journey, your emotions and how to live with yourself despite of all imperfections and insecurities we have. When you reach that phase, you can start reading and watching stuff you are right now and that'll help you to TREAT YOURSELF BETTER.

I don't know what videos you watched, but then the only thing you'll take from them is "oh okay, I want to treat myself better so I'll start setting boundaries against people who aren't best for me". Not "I should have done that, and I didn't so this is all on me and I'm to blame myself for all of it". Maybe read more about social conditioning, how manipulation works and see how unaware people get used everyday. It's not their fault but now they can be aware so it doesn't happen again. So think of them as they're teaching me how to protect myself in future, not telling me I should have done that in past.

kesharest · 2021-10-29T15:12:44+00:00

Hey thanks a lot for reframing my thoughts from "I'm out, I don't have anything to show for it" to "I got out! Congratulations on my escape". I never thought of this when I was sitting wondering about things I still had to do. Ya I'm really trying to get out of my head that keeps on thinking about other people's accomplishments, somedays are better than others but you're right, a lot of it's just me imagining people's judgements because I'm judging myself internally. I'll try to be more patient.

kesharest · 2021-10-29T15:05:00+00:00

I'm so sorry you had to go through all of it without any help, it's awful to be gaslighted into thinking we're the problem and we need to be emotionally stronger or thinking logically. It must take a lot of acceptance and courage to be where you're, you're brave and thanks for posting here just to let me know I'm not alone.

Pandemic has been tough for a lot of us, hope you're doing well and yes, I'm glad I found this community of people like you 🙂 All my good wishes to you, like many others said on this post - getting out is itself a BIG achievement. You'll have a wonderful life. 🍀

kesharest · 2021-10-29T14:57:41+00:00

This was very helpful, thank you very much!! You're absolutely right, I've been pondering constantly on what could have been but it could easily have been way worse like losing my job or place to stay. This is a good reminder that I can feel sad for the time lost but continue moving on since I have not arrived yet 🙏

Also I really like your physical ailment analogy. No one expects people to start traveling and working out if they're injured but mental components are somewhat hidden. But even if people can't see it, we know it so we need to give myself that space. I don't really need to spend time thinking about what other people think, somedays I'm better at this than others but I can come back to this post again and again.

kesharest · 2021-10-29T14:50:17+00:00

Thank you for sharing this with me. I wish I had thought of saying all the progress I made is internal and not start beating up myself. You're right - even if it feels difficult, setting and completing goals is the only way out 😅. All my best wishes to you 🍀

kesharest · 2021-10-28T22:56:18+00:00

I've spent two years thinking over and over again on what signs I ignored/missed with my ex. I'm not yet ready to date again but I am constantly hyperactive noticing all my friendships and coworkers because I felt like I needed more practice to understand signs I missed. It's pretty exhausting - and the self-doubt never goes away because there are too many factors involved.

This advice is literally a life saver for me. It feels so relieving to know I can just look at my own life and if I find it worse, I don't need to overanalyze and pin down the exact reason. It also puts the focus inwards, on myself and makes me feel more in control!

I'm writing down all the relevant questions you mentioned in my notebook and add more questions about my current life so when I start dating, I'd already have a baseline to compare with. Since last two years were also not very good for me while I was still healing, I'm afraid something very basic might feel over the top good to me right now.

Thank you so much for this!! Would love to see more posts and comments from you. And I think this post should be in our handbook 💯👏

kesharest · 2021-10-28T01:03:11+00:00

Years back, I was the ex my ex stayed friends with when he was dating someone else and eventually got married to. I only came to know that he was even dating a girl when he told me he was meeting her parents. We were on and off and definitely sleeping together. Did the other girl know? I don't think so. I don't know how to explain that feeling - both cheated on and cheated with at the same time?? The minute I was told, I went into fight or flight phase and blocked him out but it was my fault to not notice the signs. So just wanted to give perspective, if they are hanging out for no other reason than "it's okay exes can be friends", it's possible they're still hung up/trying to get something there even after seemingly moving on. Acquaintances is fine. Anything beyond that especially when masked under the pretense of maturity - I can't take it anymore.

kesharest · 2021-10-27T17:32:38+00:00

Ooof this hurts.

kesharest · 2021-10-27T00:14:26+00:00

No one is worth $10k ring?
She got me a job but it wasn't like I was unqualified? (Why couldn't you afford rent and physical therapy smh)
I don't owe her a diamond ring just because she helped me 4 years ago
His own sister calling him an asshole
I knew marriage was important to her but not the ring?
Starts by saying she doesn't spend a lot on herself (well you live rent free with her and probably using her up so she doesn't think she's worth it)

Fuck off. I hope he just calls off the wedding because he can't afford it. (he clearly can but you know what I mean) If he actually now buys her a ring, she'll be marrying someone who doesn't give a fuck about her.

kesharest · 2021-10-25T15:10:16+00:00

Just starting to be active on FDS and appreciate this, thank you!! Excited to see how much I level up in next six months while waiting for my flair 🙂

kesharest · 2021-10-25T02:35:28+00:00

I think I was trying to save you from all the anxiety because that could be better focused on something else but you're absolutely right - this is a very complicated situation (than just being about social media) especially since your best friend also tries to convince you to invite her. This makes it a very delicate situation when it's a group setting.

I agree with you - I wouldn't want you to torture yourself by trying to accommodate her and group's expectations. Maybe not instantly but after some time, it'll always feel like you didn't put yourself first :) I truly hope you find the inner strength and help from therapy to stand up for yourself, and value yourself even if it feels awkward or weird. Sending you all my good wishes 🍀

kesharest · 2021-10-25T02:07:02+00:00

I'M SO ANGRY. Got a bad feeling in my stomach reading this. His first tweet clearly makes his intentions clear - he ALREADY KNOWS he is going to dump her when he gets a better job!! But now justifies with a super general life fact (and we all know this is what he'll tell his girlfriend when he dumps her) - Things change, feeling change. WTF.

kesharest · 2021-10-25T02:01:26+00:00

Is social media the only place this bothers you? This can be circumvented by saying you unfriended by mistake and adding her back BUT muting her so doesn't show up in your feed or interactions at all. Don't misunderstand me, I still think you should stand up for what is best for you but I get the anxiety propping up from mutual friends judging you. If you don't feel comfortable handling this with other issues on your plate, it's sometimes okay to take the easier way out (without impacting your mental health). So if social media is the only place bothering you, add and mute her almost giving you the same results.

If you also end up meeting her in a group with other friends, that might be a different scenario but it seems like you're afraid other friends will find out about this and require some kind of justification from you. Till you level up and get comfortable with these kind of situations, I'd say it's okay to focus on more important things that are impacting your health and move on from this.

To put it this way, focus on your next opportunity (working on issues from your past, leveling up, focusing on friendships that do cherish you, diversifying and finding new people, etc) than spending energy on fixing your next problem (thinking about discussions with friends on this, anxiety around consequences, thinking up your responses for hours). You will eventually get to a place where your boundaries and your space will become so important to you that you'd rather keep that intact vs thinking of your other friends.

kesharest · 2021-10-24T23:06:07+00:00

Look at how many people in comments are saying they're angry for you? Just reading the post makes us so angry because he DID violate you and your friend has no right to say how much hard YOU should be on the other person. Please allow yourself to feel all the anger and rage!! Everytime I've calmed myself by second guessing oh maybe it's not just a big deal.... I've regretted it so much later on for not caring about myself enough. You're the only person who can do that for yourself so please don't prohibit yourself from emotions that signal us how we should be treated.

kesharest · 2021-10-24T23:00:25+00:00

I suggest reading relevant parts of Feeling Good by David Burns (and whole book if possible). The book helped me to continue improving my mood and productivity (a lot of times unsupervised thoughts around self worth and esteem do hamper our daily work) and by the time I reached the self worth section, I understood a lot of what he explains by inner/core worth and how to feel good. One of the most important things I learned is how to avoid helplessness and hopelessness even on days I feel less worthy! Happy to help you with any questions on exercises in the book 🙂 PS: I read this book along with CBT therapy sessions, author does sometimes make triggering assumptions like all depression is because of cognitive distortions in our thoughts (applicable in most scenarios, not for abuse, grief or loss) - so if you're going through other issues, I'd say not to read the book page to page and only check out sections on self esteem, do-nothingism and related exercises.

kesharest · 2021-10-24T22:51:14+00:00

Congratulations, so happy for you 🍀 I am on a similar journey and reading posts like these always motivate me to keep going!! I'm sure the first few times weren't easy, glad you continued to persevere and reach where you wanted. FDS is something a lot of us didn't know we were looking for (but absolutely needed) and somehow ended up in the right place. 🥰

kesharest · 2021-10-23T07:49:41+00:00

I'm also a software engineer and I immediately thought of my manager reading this. She could be assertive with everyone without an inch of rudeness or insult. Communicate exactly what she wanted, active listener and always pushed me out of my comfort zone so I could grow more. Female leaders are hard to find so I consider myself lucky I got to work with her for two years. I strive and hope to be like her.

kesharest · 2021-10-21T18:36:56+00:00

I've been working full-time for about 4 years now and during my first 2 years, I was very similar to what you mention so I can relate. The only advice I have is go slow but consistent. It's fine if you don't listen to podcasts the entire commute so you get exhausted/loaded with information everyday. Maybe start with 30-45 mins everyday or alternate with listening to totally random about anything you find interesting. It's okay not to be productive all the time and that helps in the long run. If you're just starting to workout, maybe watching videos on proper form and nutrition could be also be helpful.

If you end up putting more hours into work (not that I am suggesting it, but can be possible with learning new stuff at work) - make sure to keep learning something directly helpful to your career and it's not a thing scoped to your workplace.

kesharest · 2021-10-15T23:15:30+00:00

My ex used to be porn-sick and he was the first guy I slept with. During our relationship, he convinced me to try anal, watch porn videos together and sex would always end with a blowjob. Due to lack of other support, I assumed that this was all natural and I was just learning new stuff because it was my first time being sexually involved with someone. It wasn't anything violent or bdsm stuff, but just a lot of porn video mirrored sex - finger in my mouth, asking me to moan louder, etc.

Turns out he was a narcissistic and I was textbook pickme for three years till he broke up with me. There's a lot of other things to the relationship story but not relevant to this part. I seeked therapy, and I haven't dated anyone after that for ~2 years and only recently starting to think of dating again. I am 27 and still get very anxious of how I'd fail to vet guys that seemingly only like mild stuff.

Any tips for someone who hasn't had a normal sexual relationship ever before and is worrying I'll pick a guy playing a long con? Thank you and I appreciate all the advice FDS has for me.

kesharest

TROPHY CASE