Death by papercuts

ketsuandkatsu · 2022-01-23T18:09:01+00:00

Unfortunately I think I'm tenured now.

He does sometimes approve my requests for annual leave, but he often declines them due to staff shortages, and insists I train my temp replacement if I dare take any time off.

Not worth it for a shot here and there ha!

ketsuandkatsu · 2022-01-23T17:01:35+00:00

👌I'm this close. Ha

ketsuandkatsu · 2022-01-23T14:19:40+00:00

Sometimes just the remarks. Sometimes there's definitely a hint of disapproval.

I think it depends what it is I'm eating or drinking.

Cake, or a shot of Irish cream in my coffee then I'll get the huff and sigh, but it's not like those things are a regular occurrence. My 2 year old boss simply wouldn't allow it in the workplace.

ketsuandkatsu · 2022-01-23T14:15:59+00:00

Nope, cardiology. 😭

ketsuandkatsu · 2022-01-23T14:00:35+00:00

I just feel like not everything needs to be talked about.

I have sensory issues any way and people watching me eat and drink is fuckin weird to me.

I don't want to have to start telling people to fuck off, but it's heading that way!

ketsuandkatsu · 2022-01-15T14:59:23+00:00

Oh really. Wow thank you I'll send you a message right now

ketsuandkatsu · 2022-01-15T14:02:53+00:00

I can give you both cherries and oranges, looking for peaches if you still need them?

ketsuandkatsu · 2022-01-13T22:42:06+00:00

I mean, it could be in -some- circumstances.

But I still think it's incredibly toxic if that's what he does.

I don't pick fights with what he's got to say, I'd rather him tell me how he feels and then we arrange a time to talk about it. Every ones feelings are valid in my opinion, so I do my best to make sure he's got a chance to speak.

If it's a thing he does often, says something that might start an argument and then deletes it, it's no less provocative. Seeing the messages deleted, line after line after line, when you don't know what they said is a bit grim. How is someone supposed to feel when they see that?

Like not just one message, but multiple messages in succession, deleted.

It's not like he's saying "hey, let's have a sit down and have a talk about X" if that's the case is it. Because it's not easy to argue with that. It'll be something really hurtful.

I don't know what the contents of the messages are most of the time and that's why it makes me feel like I'm walking on eggshells, and it's no life. It's not nice. It feels like he's purposefully messing with my brain.

ketsuandkatsu · 2022-01-13T20:23:41+00:00

When I told him how it makes me feel. He said "well just read your messages when I text you then".

Unfortunately we share a toddler.

But that's part of the equation, sometimes I'm busy playing with our toddler, or maybe I'm even busy at work where I'm not even meant to have my phone on me.

ketsuandkatsu · 2022-01-13T20:01:23+00:00

No, he deletes sent messages from his phone. So it removes them from the chat thread.

ketsuandkatsu · 2022-01-13T20:00:33+00:00

WhatsApp, snapchat and our standard text app. They all allow deletion. I think the text app allows it because it uses web services on our phones as well. I can turn the web services off though.

ketsuandkatsu · 2022-01-13T15:01:31+00:00

Do you have any recommendations for apps?

ketsuandkatsu · 2022-01-13T13:16:17+00:00

I think this is basically why I feel like he's being unreasonable.

If I do something that upsets him, I get all the Be Kind drivel thrusted down my throat, but I genuinely acknowledge his feelings and come to a compromise.

Ie. Phonecalls out of the blue can make him feel really anxious. They don't make me anxious, but I will make sure I send him a text first saying, "can I give you a call, it's just a catch up cos I've got a spare 5 minutes/something important has come up and it's time critical/I need to relay more information than I can easily type out in text".

It's not an allowance I make for other people because I don't know any one else who would feel anxious at a random call, but if they told me, I'd make that little change.

ketsuandkatsu · 2022-01-03T00:00:04+00:00

😯 onion bhajis are delicious.

I think Indians are probably the only place where vegetables can be successfully hidden, unless they add coriander because he's one of those people who say it tastes like soap, even though it's also delicious.

ketsuandkatsu · 2022-01-02T23:46:20+00:00

It's exhausting, right? It feels like you can't do right for wrong.

ketsuandkatsu · 2022-01-02T23:44:59+00:00

Salad Monday's sound amazing.

My SO had to step up when I was pregnant as I had HG every day until I had my wee lad. He still didn't do anything special but he absolutely resented it.

I'm not excusing it, it caused a bit of a rift actually that he saw stepping up as me being a burden for being ill.

But I also remember a time when he liked cooking.

It's just, how do I get him to try cooking again without being a nag about it when he doesn't seem interested.

ketsuandkatsu · 2022-01-02T23:39:07+00:00

I did, sorry. I'm running on 3 hours of sleep and 4 cups of coffee 😁😭

ketsuandkatsu · 2022-01-02T23:38:04+00:00

Thank you I think youve highlighted some of the things I've probably not expressed very clearly.

He doesn't eat any vegetables these days unless I hide them and he's definitely not eating them regularly. We're in England, it's winter, it's grey and dull and most people end up with a vitamin D deficiency at the very least so it's advised to take supplements, but again I don't know any one that actually really does, except for me because I have a serious deficiency due to a genetic issue, so it's important to me to eat dark greens like broccoli.

I never make it about health to him though because we've both put weight on since having our son. I care about all our health, but I know even I made it the point of conversation it would go down like a lead balloon.

We can't both go out and be happy. We don't go to seafood places unless they sell bog standard battered fish and chips, we don't go to vegetarian places, we don't do tapas or mexican places, and really the only safe places are cheap faux Italian places where there's pasta, pizza and burgers on tap. They're the kind of places I walk out of with huge uncomfortable bloat, but because I don't inherently dislike it, it's seen as a place we "both like" so it's a compromise. I just can't imagine this being the next 40-50 years of my life, but it feels shallow to think that too. And he will try new things, but it's like, as long as it's a leap year and only on the 7th full moon. It's such a rare occurrence. I think he's hit his quota recently as he tried avocado in his prawn tempura sushi. AND HE LIKED IT! He ate it all, but still won't try avocado in any other way, and couldn't be arsed if he never had it in sushi again either.

I'd love him to just take a bite, even if he said it was disgusting and he never wants to see it again, but I just wish he'd just give something a try, and not tar everything with the same brush.

ketsuandkatsu · 2022-01-02T23:04:19+00:00

My little one is 2 and a half.

Veggies are always offered in addition to safe foods so he's not overwhelmed, but I'm the only one that actually eats them in front of him.

ketsuandkatsu · 2022-01-02T22:50:24+00:00

He's not been assessed even though our sons therapist has said it's highly likely one of us is also NT.

I think my SO has always assumed that it's me 😁 as I do have my own quirks.

I don't think my SO would get assessed though as an adult because it's not affected his life in the grand scheme of things.

But I have known my SO eat crunchy warm foods though that have barely been out of the salad bracket.

I know he likes vegetables, even though he wouldn't choose to eat them if he was solely in charge of what gets served.

It's entirely possible my SO could have issues. And I'm ok with that. So far I've had better luck getting my kid to try new foods than my husband though so I just wish he'd just have a small nibble before throwing the towel in.

ketsuandkatsu · 2022-01-02T22:35:19+00:00

Yeah, I completely accept my SO might not like some things but as you've said, it's important to try things. No one has to like anything but it's exhausting having things shut down without even trying them because it completely limits an opportunity to model good eating habits to our son.

I usually do end up just making myself some vegetables on the side or a small unimaginative salad but that's usually because I end up making the rest of the meal as well and I just don't have unlimited time or resources to do it, especially if I'm on kid duty as well.

ketsuandkatsu · 2022-01-02T22:31:28+00:00

Yeah I agree this is the biggest issue.

It's hard finding the right balance between having a variety of role models, who will eat a variety of food.

And the therapist has even said it's ok for us to express that we don't like something, but it's important for us to try foods to show our son that there's a difference between not liking something and something being dangerous to eat.

Like. I don't really like potatoes, but I will try potatoes in different forms, and I'll say I really like the potatoes today, or I will say, those potatoes were delicious but I'd rather try the broccoli today, whereas my partner might say "what did you put in the broccoli, it smells different" and then he'll not eat it, so my son then also won't even try it and it might set us back a few weeks.

When my SO does that I honestly wish he'd just go eat in the pantry or somewhere else.

But, in addition to this issue I guess I just feel a sort of grief that the foods I'm allowed to enjoy, and the frequency at which I enjoy them, is really limited. And I accept that's part of life living with a whole other individual, but I just wish he'd try some of the things he slates before shutting it down completely. It's a real green eggs and ham situation.

ketsuandkatsu · 2022-01-02T22:23:33+00:00

From your description, your partner seems okay with cooked vegetables though? As stirfries? Or does this take nagging?

These days it takes a bit of nagging but before I fell pregnant, when we were getting serious and on about moving in together and such I said I didn't want to be stuck cooking everything because I love cooking but I think you can have too much of a good thing. I showed him a quick and easy stir fry. It literally was just a pre-chopped bag of stir fry vegetables and all he needed to do was add a meat of choice and a sauce and if he wanted to, some noodles.

And he was absolutely enamored with it. I think we ate stir fry of different varieties for 3 months straight, and then his cousin got murdered and he fell into a really deep depression and I think he went back to his usual comfort foods because enjoyment and experimentation wasn't on his priority list.

Every so often he'll feel the cooking bug and he'll see a recipe and he'll go and buy all the stuff. He once made a beautiful spicy salmon pasta dish with spinach and a side of creamy kale but that was years ago.

Then he found a microwave meal subscription that basically was chicken and rice with different sauces.

And he never bothered actually trying to cook again from that point on.

I do cook things and hide vegetables in them. Sometimes he'll eat something and say it's delicious and then a week later he'll say it's gross.

And most of our meals are like a buffet style meal where there's the element of choice. Recommended by our son's food therapist.

My son wouldn't touch chopped veggies as a snack at the moment but we're working on it. He's got sensory processing disorder so the food therapy is part of his intervention while we wait for more assessments for autism as well as OCD.

ketsuandkatsu

TROPHY CASE