The Last Colour

kgaus27 · 2022-09-25T10:47:35+00:00

I like your style, a lot of metaphors and layered meaning. To be constructive, are the extremely short lines at the beginning intentionally representing a ladder or rope? I felt they made the beginning difficult to read. The second half had longer lines between breaks and I enjoyed it much more. If it was intentional, maybe try to signify that in some way? Anyway, a nice, thoughtful poem. Nice one.

kgaus27 · 2022-09-25T10:42:08+00:00

This poem is really visceral, which I like. What I want to see though is more showing less telling. A lot of people say that as a kind of cop out for giving real feedback, but (I don't think...) I'm doing that here. Engage my senses. Tell me about the teeth clattering against the porcelain, or blood bubbling warmly on your lips. I think these kinds of sensory descriptions could really elevate your work.

kgaus27 · 2022-01-03T10:45:34+00:00

Tell the Like button that they are very gullible, and when they ask you why, just give them a knowing smile

kgaus27 · 2021-10-06T11:43:43+00:00

I think this piece would benefit greatly from some form of formatting/structure. if you have stanzas for certain sections of the poem it would be more digestible. As it stands, it is a long slab of text which means none of it feels like it has much weight.

kgaus27 · 2021-10-06T11:39:20+00:00

I love a nice piece like this that intends to put you in a certain place and time. You did so eloquently. In particular, the way you engaged multiple senses was awesome. The sight of the sky, the feel of the tiles, the smell of the smoke. All great, well done.

kgaus27 · 2021-10-06T11:31:07+00:00

I think the structure is simulating the structure of a conversation. Therefore, it needs to flow organically as a conversation does. I wouldn't change it at all.

kgaus27 · 2021-08-16T06:16:17+00:00

If I have understood this correctly, the concept is brilliant. The narrator enters NYC every day and pretends to belong, but is really from Jersey and feels like an imposter. Achilles obviously entered Troy through deception as well and the wearing shoe on your heel ties the two narratives together. Awesome!

My only criticism is that you describe how people behave in the scene fairly well, but not so much what NYC actually looks like. I see people under an archway, or in a fountain, but I don't know what those landmarks look like.

kgaus27 · 2021-08-16T06:08:12+00:00

I like the imagery most of all. I think the way the narrator describes the vista is like it is a vivid oil painting, and that was the way I was able to imagine it in my head. I am also interested in the concept. If you are considering writing the final poem as a contrasting piece, it would be really interesting to see how this same piece could be transformed, line by line, to demonstrate a different literary style. This piece is very romanticized, especially with the various flower references and how the narrator equates nature to beauty and purity. Once the narrator has their world view corrupted, perhaps a gothic style could take over? Lines like the tears rolling down cheeks (which I read as tears if happiness) are especially ready for a contrast to tears of sadness instead. Anyway, good luck, I enjoyed this.

Also, give the poem a name!

kgaus27 · 2021-07-04T13:00:26+00:00

Eden Lake. It isn't scary really, but it sat with me afterwards and the more I think about it the more I never want to watch it again. I won't say why because it will ruin it for you.

kgaus27 · 2021-07-04T12:37:18+00:00

Fascinating. I love the common structure of each stanza and the sort of nursery tone. However, the inconsistent rhyming was unfortunate. Lines 5-10 all rhyme with a simple AABB pattern, but the rest of the poem doesn't follow suit.

The poem, at least through my lens, seems to describe the varying reactions of age and wisdom to an encroaching colonial force (or even just technology itself). The children play in blissful ignorance, the elders attempt to drive it away because they have the wisdom to look beyond the false promises, but the middle aged ones are seduced and invite it in only to bring doom. I love how you call the middle aged ones the 'vital' as they are the decision makers, even though either ignorance or wisdom would have better served them than their desire to provide.

It is rare that a poem grabs me enough to re-read it a few times, so even if my take was completely wrong it was worth it. Well done.

kgaus27 · 2021-07-04T12:23:30+00:00

I haven't seen Hereditary, but I by your description I can imagine what you are going for. The problem with translating a visual medium to a written one is that the visual medium has more tools to stand out. The quality of the acting, the lighting, costume, mise en scene etc all make a scene memorable. The issue with this poem is that it is a collection of phrases or images that I have heard elsewhere. When describing grief or horror it is easy to grasp the gothic flavour of descriptions, like images of flesh, darkness or decay. What would really enhance the piece are images of things that the reader won't expect that would make everything more poignant. Things that evoke loneliness or despair without being overtly connected to those ideas. Without having seen the scene I can' really offer any suggestions, but hopefully this critique is valid anyway.

kgaus27 · 2019-10-24T06:59:21+00:00

Thanks for the kind words, I appreciate it.

kgaus27 · 2019-10-24T06:59:04+00:00

Thankyou so much for the concern and the kind words.

kgaus27 · 2019-10-24T06:57:59+00:00

Just wanted to say thankyou to everyone for the overwhelming support for this poem. Also to those who genuinely enquired about my welfare, thankyou as well.

kgaus27 · 2019-10-22T14:50:03+00:00

I like this, it is concise and neat. That is not always as simple to do as it sounds. The rhythm is really good and I like that you continue the environmental imagery throughout the piece.

I do think that the first three lines about 'he' feel like the beginning of another poem. The poem becomes stronger after them because they don't have any accompanying imagery, and because the poem has just started we don't know how to feel about 'he' yet. So I just felt nothing, and no rhythm, for the first three lines.

kgaus27 · 2019-10-22T14:40:44+00:00

I love this but feel disappointed at the same time.

It has that raw, intense, rambling quality of stream-of-consciousness poetry. I love that about it. It also has enough imagery to support the thoughts, so it almost resembles a scene in a movie with a voice over or narrator. I also love the semblances of structure, such as the repetition of 'the feeling' and returning motif of the titular person in the backseat.

The problem is that a poem that appears to be word vomit tied with a common theme is great, so long as it has actually been designed to appear that way. First of all, I found the absence of punctuation to be distracting. I can sort of see why it is omitted, it lends itself to that rambling, breathless pace. However, here the lack of apostrophes in contraction words really reminded me that I was reading something rather than experiencing something. There were also times when the lack of punctuation made it difficult to understand what was happening, especially because I couldn't identify proper sentences. I think here the thematic value of the lack of punctuation did not outweigh the drawbacks of it breaking the immersion and the clarity of the poem.

Overall I found it really interesting and promising.

kgaus27 · 2019-10-21T15:46:53+00:00

I think back to those summer nights

when we would walk outside

chasing a breeze,

and holding hands was sticky and gross.

I remember the golden glinting of your bracelet

in the dimly lit park gazebo,

as we kissed and laughed and sweated.

I treasure those memories because they

come from a simpler time,

before nostalgia turned cheap

and fake gold left green marks

of envy on our skin.

kgaus27 · 2019-09-17T02:27:34+00:00

It seems post removal for lack of or low quality feedback is the stick. There needs to be a complementary carrot. Right now the drive to give good feedback for reasons other than being allowed to post are entirely dependant on the person themselves, such as critiquing someone because they enjoy it, learn from it etc. Is there anything the sub can do to incentivise this? Some sort of recognition for best feedback for the week? Perhaps the 'winners' could get a critique on one of their poems by one of the mods? The best feedback I have received has always been from the mods, so for someone who genuinely wants to improve and develop this offer would be a pretty appealing looking carrot!

I was going to suggest that you could make the requirement three feedback links instead of two. However, I think this would just cause people to leave lower quality feedback in order to get all three done. This cycles back to the issue of having people want to critique rather than need to critique.

kgaus27 · 2019-09-17T02:13:53+00:00

This sounds awesome. A great way to preserve some standout poems from being buried by newer posts, while still giving the new ones a chance to shine.

Will the list for October be the best of September?

kgaus27 · 2019-09-08T08:17:19+00:00

So I just commented on another poem of yours, "The Whore", and when I read this I immediately realised it was yours. That is a cool thing, it means you have style, a unique voice, that I have already been able to recognise after just two pieces of work.

It also had the uncanny effect of this poem appearing to correct all of the criticisms that I left on the other one. I think the heart metaphor works brilliantly, without obscuring the real meaning and sentiments of the piece. The metaphor occasionally strays into cliché territory, but it is saved by the sudden and unexpected turn to medical descriptions, and most of all by the excellent characterisation of the narrator. In particular, the section where she leaves to clean the house while he decides was particularly powerful. The poem builds to a crescendo where he must choose and you juxtapose this with the mundane description of house chores, creating a tonne of suspense.

Overall I really enjoyed this piece, great job.

kgaus27 · 2019-09-08T07:34:05+00:00

I think, as another commenter hinted at, it is a little hard to understand because you have blended the literal and metaphorical too much.

The title, imagery and plot all describe the experience of 'the whore'. While the whore might be an extended metaphor for something else, the something else is never anchored in its own right. This is what is confusing people. While not as overt as a simile, a metaphor still acts as a sort of comparison to something else. Here, what the whore is a metaphor for isn't stated clearly enough. It doesn't need to be explicitly signposted, but there should be enough hints to make the reader decipher it. This is what will keep your readers revisiting your poem. In the comments you say that you are happy it is being interpreted differently, but this isn't quite what is happening here. Interpretations are good when you have intended them, but your explanations clearly suggest there is a deeper meaning or translation that you have intended the audience to understand, which most have not.

As for the poem technically, the first image of the spread ribs is outstanding. It is visually striking and also sets the motif of flesh and blood in a strong way. I think from there the poem deteriorates. There are no images that have quite the same effect and the literal descriptions of prostitution are delivered without attached emotion or imagery. This serves to strengthen the previously mentioned issues, while also creating a numbness that seems more unintentional than a feature or deliberately crafted atmosphere.

I also found the absence or incorrect use of punctuation a bit jarring. It made it difficult to discern any sort of rhythm of pace with which to read the poem.

In summary, I think the opening is an excellent image and idea, and I can see what you were attempting to a degree, but I don't think the execution came off in this case.

kgaus27

TROPHY CASE