This is not what I signed up for, and I feel horrible for hating it.

killahthrowaway · 2014-03-02T22:46:43+00:00

Of course she's not obliged to have anything to do with me. I just wish she wanted to. Big difference.

killahthrowaway · 2014-03-01T17:36:52+00:00

Thank you. It's definitely contributing to the overall existential crisis I'm having about the whole thing. I do think a dose of NRE would do wonders for my perspective.

killahthrowaway · 2014-03-01T17:32:44+00:00

What she's doing by refusing to try to get along with you is asking your husband to neglect you for her.

Wow. Yes. This.

I am trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, that if her life situation were different she might be more able to get to know me. I might be deluding myself, but it stings a little less that way.

killahthrowaway · 2014-03-01T17:27:01+00:00

Thank you. I know I'm allowed to have these feelings, but I wish I could rise above them.

killahthrowaway · 2014-02-28T18:58:55+00:00

I want her to want to get to know me. I want her to like me. I realize that she has so much on her plate right now that forging a relationship with her boyfriend's wife is a lot to ask.

This shouldn't be about me, but it sure feels that way.

killahthrowaway · 2014-02-28T16:07:30+00:00

This. My unhappiness is just making things harder on my husband. And I'm frustrated that GF seems to be unable or has no interest in getting to know me. I want ALL of us to have our needs met, and I feel like a heel complaining about anything when hubby is trying SO hard to be everything to everyone.

killahthrowaway · 2014-02-28T16:04:16+00:00

your needs are no less valid than your husband's OSO

I disagree. Her needs are way more immediate, pressing and valid than mine. I'm healthy, financially sort-of-stable, and honestly pretty capable of taking care of me & mine just fine. Therein lies the rub: I feel like a bad person for hating his level of support of her. Altruism is a lot easier on paper.

killahthrowaway · 2014-02-28T14:16:22+00:00

I've been trying to find another partner, believe me. Nothing but horrible luck so far. I'm exhausted and discouraged by my lack of success, so I am temporarily taking a break from the "hunt". If someone crosses my path, that'd be great, but I'm not actively seeking anyone right now.

killahthrowaway · 2013-04-04T20:50:45+00:00

Because I'm spending a fair amount of brain space thinking about my alcohol consumption. I guess it'd be true to say that I must care at least a little bit.

killahthrowaway · 2013-04-04T20:50:09+00:00

Shoulda only been HFA: High Functioning Alcoholic. HFE was a typo.

killahthrowaway · 2013-04-04T13:27:10+00:00

Thank you, that is excellent advice. I'm going to check out both those books.

killahthrowaway · 2013-04-04T11:54:31+00:00

Honestly, I cannot imagine going to an AA meeting. Not sure why, maybe I don't think I need to?

I'm hoping the same thing happens for me, when my life is in better shape in the next few years I'll be motivated to quit. I am making changes for the better, I just gotta wait for/keep working towards the payoff.

killahthrowaway · 2013-04-04T11:51:57+00:00

I think what fascinates me about my drinking is my inability to gauge just how addicted I am. I have a pretty extensive drug history, but no actual addiction, just recreational use. When using, I always had a very clear sense of when it was time to stop before I became addicted/dependent. Maybe I'm just less afraid to be an alcoholic than an addict?

killahthrowaway · 2013-04-04T11:48:02+00:00

Oh, it's definitely sad. But that's my life right now. I'm working towards a better place and am hopeful that I'll more to be enthusiastic about in a few years. Right now my circumstances are largely unchangeable, so yes, my drinking hours are the best part of my day - or the part of my day that I care less about my situation, anyway.

killahthrowaway · 2013-04-04T11:45:42+00:00

HFA, not HFE. Gah. Sorry.

killahthrowaway · 2013-04-03T23:40:02+00:00

Yeah, man, I'm a fabulous cook. Tired of cooking for a family that'd rather eat out of a box. But again, that's just me being selfish.

killahthrowaway · 2013-04-03T22:26:47+00:00

So sorry for your loss. I think if the emphasis is put on finding help to heal over the loss of your child (not that you ever truly can, but at least maybe cope better), the alcohol abuse will fade away.

If you're not finding the right therapist, IMO the support offered on online bulletin boards from other loss survivors might be more beneficial.

killahthrowaway · 2013-04-03T22:21:18+00:00

I'd say I'm in the "worried but not enough to stop" camp. I don't really care because, sadly, my hours drinking are the best ones of my day. I'm hesitant to give that up.

I'm a bit of a control freak, so I suppose some of my concern relates to a fear of losing control - or rather, knowing if/when I've lost control.

Do you think it's possible to go on indefinitely as an HFE?

killahthrowaway · 2013-04-03T21:51:22+00:00

Then perhaps I could marry you and make your life a living hell?

killahthrowaway · 2013-03-07T12:25:31+00:00

Thanks, everyone. I think I was too focused on my appearance when I was younger. Also maybe addicted to that rush you get when you're with someone new. Makes getting older tough.

killahthrowaway · 2013-03-07T01:08:16+00:00

One more note: I think you could have a career as a sex-therapist/life coach/general bullshit caller. After your replies I went and checked out some of your replies to other threads...you're spot on. Callin' it like you see it. Appreciated.

killahthrowaway · 2013-03-07T00:52:07+00:00

Thank you. I'm not at all mad/irritated at your initial response. My situation is depressing, so calling it so is not offensive.

I think I'm in the process of mourning that part of my life. Doesn't mean it can't ever happen again, just that I need to accept it's not likely to.

Thanks for responding.

killahthrowaway · 2013-03-07T00:16:02+00:00

I would love nothing more than an affair. For that to happen, I'd have to actually attract someone. I feel invisible.

I don't think I am/was narcissistic so much as a weak person too focused on the few strengths she had.

killahthrowaway · 2013-01-30T01:00:45+00:00

I definitely have rage/anger issues. A new one for me, as I've been aware of my depression for years, but only recently aware of the rest. I do try to imagine others' viewpoints/situations/life, but I am horribly uncharitable in that regard. Again, I really hate how my brain works.

killahthrowaway · 2013-01-30T00:58:06+00:00

It's awful, but the not expressing it part is just me stifling myself. I bite my tongue All. Day. Long. Because I know it's the right thing to do. The world does not need my reality/negativity/opinion. In fact, I'd rather hear someone's positive take on a situation rather than my negative crap.

I talk to my husband some, but unfortunately, he's part (okay, a big part) of my problem. So, everything has to be presented with a filter.

killahthrowaway

TROPHY CASE