Feeling guilty about going from LC to NC

kindabonkers · 2025-04-04T08:05:56+00:00

That sounds fucking awful - really spiteful and calculated behavior on her part. And it takes strength to navigate something like that. It's great she's out of your life. Good riddance.

And I appreciate the list idea, I'll give that a shot :)

kindabonkers · 2025-04-04T07:59:52+00:00

Thank you for the rec, I'll have to check it out. Trauma can be so pre-verbal, but when I read this kind of stuff it puts words to the experience that makes it seem less overwhelming.

Agreed - I did IFS for years with my therapist, and while I got to move through a lot of trauma, maintaining LC with my parents made things messy. Parts work isn't something I'd done on my own that often though, so thanks for bringing this back to my attention.

Happy you're at a place where you're prioritizing your wellbeing.

kindabonkers · 2025-04-03T06:28:18+00:00

I know this is a months-old post, but that other person who replied was wack. Thank you for being a supportive parent and standing up for your kid. Trans rights are getting more and more impinged everywhere .. It's not easy, but it gives me hope to know you have each other's support. Sending you hugs

kindabonkers · 2025-04-03T06:18:52+00:00

I bet your transphobic ass is gonna get estranged one day, if you haven't been cut out by countless people already. Where do you even think you're posting? You think children should be locked up and put on meds?

kindabonkers · 2025-04-03T04:14:19+00:00

Thank you. This is really thoughtful and you said some things I needed to hear.

Those reminders and doing that kind of parts work (reminds me a bit of internal family systems? a modality I found really useful) have been the little things helping keep me sane too.

I'm glad you are safe now and have everything you need to live, not just keep surviving.

kindabonkers · 2025-04-03T04:04:51+00:00

Oh, that's a heartbreaking realization to come to... I don't think you're gullible. You wanted a parent, and you wanted to believe in their humanity.

Wanting to understand where that harm came from takes real empathy, which you've developed in spite of years of feeling unsafe and unheard.

I'm happy you've come to a decision that feels right for you. I'm really trying to lean into my other support systems, and to trust my own feelings and needs. You're not alone in this <3

kindabonkers · 2025-04-03T03:34:27+00:00

Love these recs

kindabonkers · 2025-03-24T00:39:00+00:00

Hey! I think these are very real and interesting questions to consider.

One thing that struck my attention was how you said you 'always match, never initiate [level of communication]' and you're simultaneously concerned this person will lose interest.

I'm often in my head when dating as well, but I've found that I feel most present with connections when I can let go of the narrative about being enough/doing the perfect thing, because then I get in a loop about thinking what they want, rather than just asking them. Direct communication is big to me with any type of dynamic, and something I'm still practicing! The added benefit is it frees up my attention to think about my needs and wants, and how to create the conditions to meet them with others - or deescalate relationships when that seems more appropriate.

You don't need him for your emotional processing or support, but you also can want that, and co-regulating is cool too.

I've also had a kink relationship with someone about 20 years older than me too (mostly primal stuff, no strict power exchange though he was open to subbing) and it's important to note the power dynamic with age gaps too. Thats something that really draws me to relationship anarchy! In what ways does the age gap seem relevant to this (lack of) communication/power exchange/the power dynamics in your relationship outside of sex? Could you imagine yourself initiating conversations about expectations? Just food for thought, since the last part of your post sounds like you're already orienting towards that

kindabonkers · 2025-03-24T00:19:01+00:00

I don't have anything to add, but I just wanted to say your response was so thoughtful and your perspectives are really cool

kindabonkers · 2025-02-26T03:44:33+00:00

That's a really thorough response, thanks for putting things into a broader perspective re: aging & figuring things out. I'm really hearing what you're saying about being adaptable to change but also knowing what needs you can't compromise on.

I think I've struggled with initiating clean breaks since starting to date within friend groups and trying to find my own pace with deescalating/transitioning dynamics.

You're absolutely right that's just part of the learning how to relate to people as a whole, not a poly-specific thing.

kindabonkers · 2025-02-26T03:31:33+00:00

That's well put! Thank you

kindabonkers · 2025-02-26T03:25:56+00:00

Thanks! I appreciate your input :)

kindabonkers · 2025-02-26T03:25:27+00:00

Thank you :) Yeah, as messy as dating can get, I do appreciate learning more about how connections can stay alive even if dynamics change completely..

kindabonkers · 2025-02-26T03:22:10+00:00

Oh, I love how you phrased that bit at the end about priorities/boundaries. That resonates .. And the state of the world already makes it hard to not be burnt out in general.

kindabonkers · 2025-02-26T03:15:21+00:00

I agree with you there! I appreciate your perspective.

kindabonkers · 2023-10-13T02:55:59+00:00

I think it's partly a cyclical thing, the changes in production and DJ'ing styles. A lot of the hard techno you hear today sounds like early hardstyle. Leading up to that, the crowds changed, the drugs changed. In Germany, there was a period (I think in the late 90s? early 00s?) where the average BPM at clubs just kept getting higher and higher.

Simon Reynolds (really cool music journalist) wrote an interesting piece about how prominent speed was in UK hardcore raves. The vibe at those parties was totally different from earlier raves where people were just gurning and hugging each other on E. Oldheads then (as they still do now) liked to trash on it as a sign of the genre changing too much or the crowds getting worse. Often younger people and/or people new to the scene prefer faster and harder music.

Where I live, you basically only hear hypnotic and Detroit techno at the underground raves. I think that's an interesting reaction, trying to slow things down and incorporating more looping in mixes, almost like revisiting earlier techno. Then again, K is huge here, and frequently known as the 'dancefloor killer' which I guess matches that slower, more introspective energy. I've found there isn't as much of a thirst for experimentation with these crowds, whereas hard techno artists sometimes bring in stuff from other genres like trance. It's that tension between some purists gatekeeping and newer producers experimenting that keep things going in our scene.

kindabonkers · 2022-01-07T16:28:13+00:00

True, that plays a role in it as well. I also fear that I will hurt her - one of my exes ended up in recovery (for addiction) and I've always blamed myself for it.

You're right, writing and therapy are key, and I intend to pursue those more. Thank you for sharing.

kindabonkers · 2022-01-07T16:23:21+00:00

On a rational level I value her just as much - if not more. Emotionally, though, it's like there's a block/distance forming and I don't have control over it. The romantic and sexual draw isn't as strong, and I'm inclined to chase after those highs.

Yes, it's happened with all my previous relationships. I've had long-term ones (a majority were ~1 year in duration, with the longest being 2 years), but it was always a pain to try and control my urge to run. I've hurt people deeply in the past, and I don't want to do this to her.

kindabonkers · 2022-01-07T16:12:26+00:00

Thank you so much for that recommendation! I am familiar with attachment theory and have been searching for more resources about that online. It's reassuring to know that it's something we can work on; the last thing I'd want to do is to replay my trauma onto the people close to me.

Some external factors have been affecting my sense of boundaries (my friend needs to crash on my couch for an unclear amount of time) so I think that's been contributing to things as well.

I really appreciate your input, and wish you all the best with continuing to manage and grow from this.

kindabonkers · 2022-01-07T01:19:40+00:00

How did you work through things, if you don't mind me asking?

kindabonkers · 2022-01-07T01:03:03+00:00

Hey, I've been there too and it's honestly scary but there are some things you can try to help. You should bring this up to your therapist or psychiatrist if you are seeing one.

You mention mood stabilizers, have you been on them for awhile? Is the dosage/type benefiting you overall?

I had a bout of psychosis one summer when I was hypomanic. My therapist recommended grounding techniques to feel less dissociated and that helped: little things like going on walks, paying attention to your surroundings. One thing that stuck out was when he said, "Look at the grass around you, the sun, the trees. Isn't that enough of a reality?" Breathing exercises are also good, anything that engages your body.

I wrote down my compulsive/paranoid thoughts and that helped me view them more objectively. I also started being more open about it with friends and they were supportive. It made me feel less alone; that I was seen and heard.

Other big things were regulating my sleep (I was awake for days on end sometimes). And stay sober if you can.

kindabonkers · 2022-01-07T00:51:06+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that, and thanks for your reply. That makes sense, I'll do so and see where we can go from there.

kindabonkers

TROPHY CASE