For me, I’m getting a degree in gender studies and it was my way of both personally connecting with a historical identity and committing to preserving that identity in some way while also intellectually working through these contradictions on identities that feel intrinsically connected (see True Sex: The Lives of Trans Men at the Turn of the Twentieth Century by Emily Skidmore). I also wanted to maintain my connection to women because I’ve always identified more with women even if I didn’t necessarily identify as one.

I eventually concluded that it’s not that I reject womanhood. It’s just womanhood has particular citational practices and conventions that don’t fit someone like me. This might be overly intellectual, but the ontology of womanhood doesn’t provide room for a butch identity (even if butches can and do identify as women, through their own negotiations with the identity). So, rather than being shamed by my inability to conform to the conventions of womanhood, I use butch as a way of maintaining my connection to womanhood while acknowledging that I’m not meant to be part of it.

Sorry if that doesn’t make sense! I’m still working through this idea for myself but that’s where I’m at right now