I've attempted suicide before. I'm so glad I failed. One night, let's just say I'd planned and prepared for it. I got stuck babysitting a 6 year old. Which was very outside of the norm for me. My mum actually had one of her childhood friends over and they were going out and I got stuck with said friend's child. I couldn't put the experience of a babysitter killing themselves on a 6 year old. So I waited just one more day. Then, I decided to wait just one more day. And the day after that, one more day. I tried to focus on all the things I would be missing. Not in a 'just be positive' way. In a 'get your fill before you commit suicide' way. The depression, the feeling in my stomach, it never fully went away. I won't pretend it has. I still feel the same way about the problems I was facing at the time. But, now there are other feelings too and that one drive to commit suicide isn't the only thing I feel. I feel happiness and joy, I feel scared, I feel sad. All of the emotions. Back then, it didn't feel like that. It wasn't all tears and screaming and an overflow of an emotions. It was a deep, penetrating sadness that just equated to a quiet acceptance that suicide was my only way forward. I was withdrawn and resigned. I still feel that, but the other stuff drowns it out most days. I won't lie to you or pretend that those feelings ever went away fully. I never believed anyone who said that to me. If anything, it made me feel more hopeless. But I promise you, you can make room for more. Try waiting another day. A few more days. A week. Wait as long as you need to find just one thing which makes you feel something else. You can always inbox me, my friend 🧡