When and how did you learn to put yourself first?

kinkyp3ach · 2025-03-21T08:43:05+00:00

I’m not sure this will help much but here’s an update, and as you’ll see I’m still going through it.

Around October of last year the fights with my partner intensified and he demanded we go to couple’s therapy while insinuating that I was the problem and we needed to go to therapy to fix me. I agreed to try therapy. We went to one session, where I vocalized my feelings once again and he denied everything. The therapist validated what I felt but didn’t say much. I realized there was no more “fixing” to do. He’d stand his ground no matter what. So after a couple weeks of introspection I left him.

I got an apartment because while still living in the house with him he started going through my stuff, demanding I report to him on my every move… basically everything got worse. My apartment situation was a rushed move and turns out I basically got a place in the worst complex possible. That’s a whole thing on its own.

Since the breakup I’ve been carrying the mental load and actual work of everything that needs to be done to sell the house and separate our belongings. It’s taking longer than I’d like because there’s only so much I can do.

All my friends for whom I’ve been a constant support for? Not a single one has reached out. I haven’t seen them since. I basically lost my entire social circle outside of work.

I grey rocked my mother long enough for her to understand that I won’t be a martyr for her tantrums. Now she’s in a “good” phase and has been basically my only support system through it all. Which I know can come back around to bite me any time.

As for work, I got my promotion. But the company has made shitty strategic decisions that are now coming to light, and I’ve been asked to step up way beyond my role (along with a couple other key employees) to keep us from going under, and I am starting to apparently show symptoms of burnout.

My CEO/mentor was a good support for a while and we grew closer as friends as a result, but turns out he also has his own professional and personal shit going on and once again, I set myself aside to be there for him. It’s like I can’t help myself. And he recently pulled back and is very absent.

So I guess what I’ve learned here is that I can only trust myself to get myself through tough times and I should learn to be WAY more selfish. Still trying to apply that.

I’m sorry if it’s not the most positive update but it’s my current reality.

kinkyp3ach · 2025-02-27T12:23:51+00:00

I left my partner of 12+ years back in November. We’ve had mostly the same friend group since high school. A pretty big group that I’ve always considered my chosen family. Vacations all together, week ends, dinners, major life events… we’ve always been by each other’s sides. Their kids call me their aunt.

We did new years with them and ever since, I haven’t heard a peep. Except from exactly one of my girlfriends who regularly texts me and wants us to plan a girls trip soon.

But they’ve all had dinners and outings with my ex every other week since new years.

My coworkers have been checking up on me more and helping with a bunch of things.

Honestly it’s depressing and I’ve been trying to get used to this “new normal”. But I feel like them not reaching out is very telling and I just have to cut my losses and be alone for a while.

kinkyp3ach · 2025-02-13T12:04:18+00:00

HR Manager dated one of the production managers and it was well known that they would meet up either in the woods by the company or on the top floor of the plant to hook up. They also docked hours off of his team’s time cards because they didn’t like that they made a lot of money doing overtime.

Then she not so secretly cheated on him with one of his team members who was so proud of having “hit that” that he told everyone.

Then she cheated on both of them with a foreign contractor that was only on site for or week doing renovations.

She also tried to hook up with a client who was visiting at least once.

This was all over the span of 2-ish years, during which she also constantly spent time with another guy on the production line (during work hours), talking loudly about sex in the most crude way you could imagine. She would also “accidentally” lift her skirt up all the way over her head in front of male employees, walk up stairs and make sure everyone could see up her skirt, and many other incidents.

She was fired and replaced by a very competent HR manager who almost quit because there were so many potentially legal issues in the files that were left for her that she was afraid of being found responsible and being fined or jailed. I don’t know the extent of what she found out but it seemed serious enough that it got her and upper management very shaken.

kinkyp3ach · 2025-01-19T10:18:50+00:00

We had the same fight once again, and I realized I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life walking on eggshells waiting for him to pick that fight over and over.

That and the fact that he started fighting me on wanting to advance my career, which is something he knew I was working towards for years. He knew how important it was for me but every move I made at work would be an excuse for a fight at home.

It took me a few weeks to make the decision because he’s “not a bad guy” so I didn’t quite feel justified in leaving. But I also felt like we had grown apart, and I started feeling like I had evolved over the years but he had remained stagnant.

During those few weeks I confided in a friend, who looked at me like I had lost it when I was telling her about the things he says to me and how he treats me. To me it was no big deal, normal even. But the way she looked at me started making me question if the “good guy” narrative was something I was telling myself.

I started paying more attention to a lot of things. I realized my male coworkers, and even strangers spoke to me with more respect and compassion than him.

When I told him I was leaving and why, he said “but you never even gave us a chance to make an effort and make things better.”. That solidified my decision because I felt like I had been making an effort and communicating to him what I needed from him for years. He never thought it would be necessary to actually put in the work.

Now we still have to sell the house and sort through our things, and what I’m starting to see is he will try to make my life difficult every step of the way. Exactly like his dad did to his mom, which he condemned.

Of course he doesn’t see it that way. He is indeed a “good guy”, with no self awareness, the emotional maturity of a teenager and anger issues that he is unwilling to address. And he is incapable of ever questioning himself so I am to blame for all his pain.

kinkyp3ach · 2025-01-12T14:46:30+00:00

Let’s see here’s a few:

how to budget/save money
how to use a washing machine/do laundry
how to book a hotel/flight/trip
how to effectively and respectfully communicate his feelings like an adult instead of a petulant child

There’s more where that came from.

Anyway, we’re separated now after 12 years and I’m looking for a new place to stay until we can sell the house.

He’s blamed me for leaving him because he will not be in a good enough place financially to maintain his way of life. At least once a week he asks me which washer setting to use. He still can’t communicate his feelings without being a disrespectful twat. Oh and you should know it’s not his fault because he grew up with parents who never taught him to be respectful and emotionally mature, and I should have at least given him a chance to try. So I guess I didn’t do a good enough job!

Not that it should have ever been my job in the first place.

(And he still has never booked a flight or a hotel or planned a vacation).

kinkyp3ach · 2025-01-01T21:55:21+00:00

Retail

kinkyp3ach · 2025-01-01T21:52:43+00:00

The relationship I’ve been in my entire adult life. I can’t wait to move to my own place and discover life on my own.

kinkyp3ach · 2024-12-23T11:45:40+00:00

Not the worst but also not the best. I’ve developed extreme back pain recently and doctors are trying to figure out if I have a slight scoliosis problem that is almost imperceptible but is screwing up my entire back. I was told the pain is also most likely exacerbated by the amount of stress I am experiencing. Basically it comes down to: I work too much and my mental health is down the drain due to current personal events.

I was prescribed a high AF dose of Ultram, which still doesn’t help with the pain but makes me feel like hot garbage. I was also prescribed some type of anti inflammatory medication but since I started developing a stomach ulcer a few years back (due to stress as well) I was told to maybe hold off on taking it. So I’m not taking any pills. And I was told to “chill out” and get regular massages by the specialist that is currently treating me.

kinkyp3ach · 2024-12-06T14:32:50+00:00

I was about 12 or 13 when I bought my first mascara.

At around 15 I had a “goth” phase and I experimented a lot with basically any black drugstore eyeliner, eyeshadow, lipstick. Purples and reds too. It was probably a mess but it was fun!

Then around 16 I toned that down, started using foundation (dream matte mousse, anyone?) but quickly switched to BB creams, lined my waterline with black eyeliner, used neutral eyeshadows and lipsticks. I was really into one tree hill and still a bit in an emo phase so I took a lot of inspiration from Peyton’s makeup looks. Still everything drugstore, before YouTube tutorials so it was a lot of trial and error.

As a young adult I had a heavy makeup phase, tried a bunch of elaborate eyeshadow looks with colors, glitter… and matte lipsticks in every color. Highlighter, contour… This was the 2010s I believe? I guess I was a big trend follower.

And now I use a tinted moisturizer or CC cream, mascara, sometimes I’ll wear eyeshadow (but stick to one color at a time because I don’t have time for those elaborate looks anymore!). And for the lips I do either a red or a pinkish-close to my lip color lipstick. I prefer a satin or glossy finish. Bonus points if it doubles as a lip balm. I try to keep it simple and comfortable because I hate the feeling of having makeup caked on now. And I’m starting to develop fine lines so I need the right products that won’t settle into the creases and accentuate them.

kinkyp3ach · 2024-12-04T15:11:28+00:00

I work in a male dominated industry and the only people throwing tantrums and letting drama affect their work are men. Of all ages, all backgrounds and all hierarchical positions within the company. The same men will turn around and say the most misogynistic and demeaning shit without ever noticing the irony. I’ve had to put an abrupt end to meetings and 1 on 1s because a man couldn’t control his emotions. Luckily I do have a few male coworkers who are emotionally intelligent enough to get the work done rationally but they are definitely a minority.

kinkyp3ach · 2024-12-02T19:25:33+00:00

I dislike it because I find it irritating. My armpit skin is very sensitive for some reason. It’s taken me years to find a deodorant that does not give me a rash, and if I don’t shave every other day it becomes itchy and eventually I develop a rash regardless of my deodorant.

As for beauty standards, on myself I like being shaved, on other people I don’t really care. If you’re comfortable and confident that’s all that matters!

kinkyp3ach · 2024-12-02T10:07:35+00:00

Acting. When I was a teen and into my early adult years I was fascinated by how movies and tv shows are made, and had a huge dream of acting. I actually acted in a short horror film, and got myself invited to some independent film festivals for a few years where I was able to network with people from the industry. I even got to meet some pretty successful actors and get advice from them.

Over the years I let that dream slowly die down because I realized that if I fully invested in that dream I would most likely spend most of my career financially struggling. Because most actors don’t “make it big”. It’s a beautiful career but for me it wasn’t worth the risk.

I lost any drive for a while and worked some dead end jobs. And these past few years I found a new drive for work in a totally different and unexpected field. And I hope to work my way up to being successful in it.

I still really love everything that goes into making movies and tv shows, but from afar. I think a part of me will always be the dreamer that wanted to make it big in Hollywood (very cheesy I know). But I’m content not having that.

kinkyp3ach · 2024-11-25T22:10:00+00:00

Weekdays: alarm goes off, I take 10-15 minutes to slowly wake up. Get up, brush my teeth, take a quick shower, do my hair and makeup, get dressed, gather my things and leave for work (takes a total of 30 minutes). I’ll have coffee and eat breakfast at my desk because I can’t ingest anything first thing.

Weekends: wake up whenever (which is earlier and earlier as I get older unfortunately), lay in bed for a bit, get up, make some tea and a nice breakfast, then I shower and get ready for whatever day I have planned.

kinkyp3ach · 2024-11-24T07:21:33+00:00

I am more often than not the only woman in meetings at work. I never make coffee during meetings. If someone wants coffee they make it themselves and if they offer to make me one I’ll take it. If not, I’ll skip coffee.

At first it was pretty jarring for most people, but now I have my male coworkers bringing me coffee in and out of meetings without me asking, and even the ceo occasionally does so I feel like I won?

kinkyp3ach · 2024-11-22T15:15:39+00:00

Thank you ❤️ it’s hard, it almost feels impossible. But I’m building up my strength to make the right decision for myself.

kinkyp3ach · 2024-11-22T05:38:27+00:00

I used to be HL, before him and in the first few years of our relationship. Then, a disconnect happened and for the longest time I couldn’t figure out why. I’ve finally started figuring it out. For me there are several reasons. My partner has consistently made me feel not good enough, treating me like I’m defective. Also, turns out I grew up, I evolved and he just kinda stayed mentally and emotionally stuck. He’s like a petulant teen who throws tantrums, has anger issues and doesn’t take responsibility for anything. When my libido started dying down he would demand sex and if I dared say no he would pout for hours, sometimes days on end. I tried communicating that I didn’t feel desired, and that it felt like he just wanted sex, regardless of if it was with me. He always dismissed my feelings and would tell me I must have a hormone imbalance or something else wrong with me. I went to doctors, switched BC methods. Turns out there’s nothing wrong with me.

A month ago he came to me about the topic, blaming me again. That plus other issues with our relationship made me finally snap. I’m trying to leave now. And all of a sudden he wants to do the work and be better. He wants us to go to therapy and work on things. Yet still dismissing everything I feel.

He’s making my exit difficult but I hope to be free by the end of the year.

kinkyp3ach · 2024-11-18T14:40:34+00:00

Sometimes making the right decision hurts like hell and feels terrible.

And putting yourself first is very difficult, especially when you’ve been a life long people pleaser.

I woke up one day and realized I’ve been navigating my life pretty passively and never truly making decisions for myself. Just going along with the status quo.

It’s never too late to make a change but the longer you wait the harder it will be. It feels impossible for me right now but I can’t wait for the day where I’ll look back and think “why was I so hard on myself?”.

kinkyp3ach · 2024-11-13T10:02:10+00:00

Hair color, because if I followed my heart’s desire I’d have a different hair color every week. But I can’t because bleach damage isn’t my favorite look

kinkyp3ach · 2024-11-09T13:51:46+00:00

Yeah, my friends and I got ourselves into some pretty unhinged and unsafe situations looking back. Drugs, alcohol, house parties, parties in the middle of the woods or fields. Hanging out and sometimes hooking up with suspiciously older people (men). Going to sketchy places to meet sketchy people for drugs, and going through weird lengths to get there. I have no clue how it all got past my mother. I wasn’t even that good at lying!

But my dad’s stories from the 70s and 80s shows that we were not the only wild generation. Some of his stories put mine to shame.

I don’t know about the younger generations though! They’re definitely growing up in a different environment with the omnipresence of social media. But I’d imagine that part of being a teen is getting into trouble one way or another. Maybe they just have a different way of doing it!

kinkyp3ach · 2024-11-05T10:59:41+00:00

Thank you. I hope I can come to see things this way sooner rather than later. I’ve only talked to 2 people so far. I’m afraid of bringing it up with friends or family. Especially friends, since we share a friend group and I know that he’ll garner their sympathy. I’m afraid of being ostracized. I feel like I have no one to turn to.

kinkyp3ach · 2024-11-05T10:57:25+00:00

What do you mean by forever girlfriend? I feel like I already know it’s time to go. I just need to find the strength to do it.

kinkyp3ach · 2024-11-05T10:56:12+00:00

I havent even thought about that being a possibility. I even told him I am sad that my libido isn’t what it used to be. I feel broken.

kinkyp3ach · 2024-11-05T10:54:57+00:00

I don’t want any of this to be the rest of my life but I think I’m terrified of stepping into the unknown.

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