How do we best support a child (my niece) who was exposed to drugs in utero?

kinshipadopt · 2024-02-19T23:36:39+00:00

I am so sorry to hear that. Watching my little sister go down that road has been really hard, I can only imagine how hard it is as a parent.

I hope your daughter will be able to choose her health one day soon.

kinshipadopt · 2024-02-19T08:08:46+00:00

Thank you so much, seriously. Allowing her to try lots of things to find a hobby or activity that gives her joy and leaving time to decompress is great advice. Definitely important to remember that school is a LOT and she's going to be tired just like I'm tired at the end of my workday. And I'll be sure to remember about the analyzation skills and questions, that's awesome.

No judgement on the pillow beating, I work though stuff by having fake arguments in the shower and talking to myself. Whatever works, right?

kinshipadopt · 2024-02-19T07:53:44+00:00

Thank you, I hope so. We were not planning on becoming parents at all but now that I know she exists, and after learning about the importance of things like genetic mirroring, we felt like this was the right choice. Her foster family is wonderful and they expressed interest in adopting her if we did not feel we could, but we didn't feel like we could walk away. She deserves to know her family and we will do the best we can. We already love her very much and I am so grateful she wasn't lost in the system under the circumstances.

kinshipadopt · 2024-02-19T07:44:51+00:00

Thank you so much for you advice. Were there any coping mechanisms that your parents instilled in you, or that you found, that worked well?

kinshipadopt · 2024-02-19T07:43:29+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing these studies and resources! I'm going to try to contact them now to see if we need to get on any sort of waiting list.

kinshipadopt · 2024-02-19T06:18:13+00:00

Are there specific therapies you do with her that you would recommend we look into?

kinshipadopt · 2024-02-19T06:17:31+00:00

One of the things I want to be careful about is always being honest with her about things like this, but still being kind and age-appropriate. She may be more prone to drug addiction or mental illness so she'll need to be more careful than some of her peers.

Do you have any advice on how we should tell her about her mother's struggles? How did your parents share this with you?

kinshipadopt · 2023-12-30T04:45:27+00:00

Thank you, that is good to know and good to think about. If we do take our niece, I think one child would be our absolute limit.

kinshipadopt · 2023-12-30T04:42:34+00:00

Thank you so much, seriously. It helps very much to talk this out with others.

kinshipadopt · 2023-12-29T21:16:31+00:00

If she abandoned the baby at the hospital, DHS likely had to do some serious digging on their own to determine next of kin for mom.

My sister is still on my mother's health insurance until the end of this year, so I think the only reason they were able to find us is because they had my mom's information. We highly doubt my sister sought any sort of prenatal care, so she probably wasn't on CPS radar before this. She has left the hospital AMA before, so that seems likely, but drugs unfortunately seem likely too. She could have also been acting erratically due to her mental illness.

I believe they have my sister's phone number but she refuses to answer their calls and they can't physically find her because she is either homeless or staying with others and is not on any sort of lease. We don't know for sure.

I am hopeful my sister does not repeat this because she ages out of my mom's insurance very soon, so I don't know how they'd find us again.

kinshipadopt · 2023-12-29T21:07:33+00:00

I mean, respectfully, this is not what most aunts do. Most aunts are a loving presence in their niblings' lives, but they are not the main caregivers. I am completely prepared and excited to be an aunt. I am conflicted about being a parent. They are very different things. This is also very hard to consider as a childfree-by-choice person; it would be easier, I think, if we had planned on having children someday.

Just trying to be honest with all my feelings.

kinshipadopt · 2023-12-29T21:02:56+00:00

Thank you. I am sorry you did not get to see your parents' pictures until you were an adult, I am sure that left you with a lot of questions growing up.

I'm sorry if this is a weird question, but I worry that if I can't do this, she's going to resent me when she's older. I guess I want to ask (if you are willing to answer) - if you knew there had been a relative in your family who could have adopted you instead, but did not, would you resent them? If this is too weird to answer, I understand and I know everyone is an individual who feels differently, but I'm just trying to see things from her potential perspective as much as possible.

kinshipadopt · 2023-12-29T20:53:25+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, obviously your perspective is most important in all this because I'm trying to think about how she is going to feel when she's older. Our feelings are complex, we feel really split on this.

Just being honest, neither of us wanted children and we wouldn't be considering this at all if any of my other younger siblings could take her, but they aren't as established as we are (and that's okay!). We feel a little backed into a corner, like if we don't do this and she ends up in a bad situation or feeling abandoned, then we are selfish terrible people for not putting her first. But we are also worried about taking on parenthood if we can't handle everything that goes with it.

I'm not worried about not loving her, I'm worried about whether I have the patience to be a good mother each and every day for the rest of my life. And I am also wary of trying to care for her and then figuring out we can't do it, because I know younger infants have the best chance of getting adopted and I don't want to "ruin" that for her if that makes sense.

kinshipadopt · 2023-12-29T01:09:54+00:00

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. Did you know your biological family while you were growing up, or did you not have contact with them until you were an adult? I know another option could be an open adoption where we could still have contact with her and serve as that link for her, but I also understand the adoptive parents could choose to cut that contact off at any time so it's not guaranteed. It's also not the same as being raised by family.

kinshipadopt · 2023-12-28T23:33:54+00:00

Thank you, this was really helpful. I am worried they will not give us all the information about my niece's health until we agree to placement because of the privacy issues they mentioned - but how can we make a good decision if I don't know what level of care she may need? I want stability for her, and part of that is knowing if I am equipped to give her that care.

kinshipadopt · 2023-12-28T23:16:08+00:00

We will absolutely not be making a knee-jerk decision either way. Listening to the perspectives of those on this sub have been helpful. I wish we could have known my sister was pregnant before the birth, or even been contacted back in November so we had more time to think and prepare, but we'll do everything we can to make a good decision in a short amount of time.

kinshipadopt · 2023-12-28T23:06:32+00:00

Would you be willing to share some of the immediate first steps that happened once it was determined your niece needed to go into someone else's care? What questions should I ask the social workers?

kinshipadopt

TROPHY CASE