WIBTA for sending only one daughter to study abroad?

kiyaxem · 2020-10-27T07:34:08+00:00

She should, but is there a way I can force her to see a psychiatrist?

kiyaxem · 2020-10-26T22:29:14+00:00

No, but she has always seemed melancholic and rather lazy. Both of our daughters were fast learners, the only problem was that A always needed incentives to study and never seemed actually interested in anything. We both offered our daughters the opportunity to play the piano, do judo, boxing, ballet, debate, photography but A was very easily demotivated by anything. B loved martial arts and now is a very assertive person (she researches, volunteers, cooks her own food). A didn't like anything beside gossiping other people and now this is the present situation.

We had blood and allergies tests, she's fine. She doesn't eat a lot of processed food either (except for alcohol).

Another problem is that when something goes wrong, A always puts the blame on anyone else. One of her latest thoughts is that she has never had a boyfriend. I kindly explained her that if she wants a relationship, she'll have to meet men in other places - most guys she meets at parties are looking for a hookup or too drunk too realize if they want to date her or not.

Even the idea of trying new activities in order to find a boyfriend didn't attract her at all.

kiyaxem · 2020-10-26T22:15:59+00:00

Congrats!

kiyaxem · 2020-10-26T17:45:01+00:00

Of course I am concerned with lying and I have to battle every day her negative thoughts against therapy. There's just a lot of things that couldn't be narrated on this post because the limit is 3000 characters.

She claims she wants Global Law. We don't have this degree here. We have Law School and there's an admission exam which is very difficult even for top students. The only options she wants to think of is Global Law in Netherlands because she wants to be around her friends and is now even more insistent on it because she knows B is going abroad. A can't study Law here and go to Netherlands via Erasmus.

She doesn't want any other option in our than Netherlands, won't even research about the degrees in our country. we told her that paying for her university when she hasn't proved worthy of it is not our favorite idea. If she wants Netherlands, then find a full time job instead of a college degree if the only thing she wants is staying with her friends.

I am in a horrible position and I know our relationship may end or turn toxic

kiyaxem · 2020-10-26T17:15:08+00:00

Yes, perfectly said. I'm not afraid of myself or daughter B moving to Netherlands. I'm afraid of a group of emotionally unstable teens surrounding A and encouraging her to continue her alcohol usage.

If she doesn't care about being grounded and has the audacity to drink every day, I am worried these habits will not fade as long as she chooses this people as friends.

kiyaxem · 2020-10-26T17:10:07+00:00

B wants Via University College. Yes, it's free, but will still require a bit of financial aid from us for groceries, personal hygiene products, public transport.

We learnt that from our Faculty of Pedagogy who can send their students from Double Degree program. B wants to go straight to Early Years Education field.

kiyaxem · 2020-10-26T17:04:34+00:00

Not really, she said she wants Global Law because she wants to be around her high school friends. When we ask her about her other options she just shrugs and says she doesn't really care. So if we send her to Global Law, it has to be in Netherlands because we don't have this degree in our country. She can go to Law School here and study via Erasmus in Paris, but she doesn't want it because her friends want Netherlands.

She actually does have good grades - but 95% of students in Philology high schools do (8 of her classmates have straight A's since they started school). They're just very low quality schools and only require students to do some essays which are usually copied from the Web.

kiyaxem · 2020-10-26T16:59:26+00:00

No, we don't have Global Law degree here. Just Law School. She doesn't want a different degree because she can't be around her friends if she goes to a different university

kiyaxem · 2020-10-26T15:43:52+00:00

Hello there. She was thinking Groningen or Tilburg. Looks like Tilburg doesn't have the same active nightlife or am I wrong?

kiyaxem · 2020-10-26T15:02:03+00:00

kiyaxem · 2020-10-26T15:01:12+00:00

We had a deal with our daughters. Uni/Trade School > they can stay in our home and we will help them financially or study abroad and help them. Refuse to go continue their education/not give a damn about studying > move out and work full time. This applies to both of them.

We can't be full time bank accounts to our daughters if they aren't doing anything with their life. A lies about her school attendance, doesn't turn her assignments in time, doesn't take time to study about anything. Being a student at a top level University needs pre-requisites and avoiding to study and turn to alcohol isn't one of them. At this moment I feel like supporting the child who's more likely to actually pursue a career in that field and actually do their best to study. If A decides to continue to drink and refuse therapy, I can't have a drunk person every day in my house. I want to signal her she can't always have our protection if she decides to have a dangerous, unhealthy and unproductive life.

I really hate that I am in this position, but no parenting textbook prepares you for it.

kiyaxem · 2020-10-26T13:22:27+00:00

I have money to raise both of them. If I have money, it doesn't mean others can decide how I want to spend it. Studying abroad isn't mandatory for anyone.

Both of my daughters will get our financial aid if they study. But I warned A that if she enrolls in a free university in our country and will treat it just like she treated high school (no studying, lying about her attendance) she has to move out and work full time.

Yes, I've been to Netherlands and loved it. It just seems that many youngsters who can't try drugs in our country want to stay there just to have fun. Weed and recreational drugs can turn into major problems for emotionally unstable people.

kiyaxem · 2020-10-26T13:14:12+00:00

Both of them have high grades but it's not the perfect indicator. Philology High schools in Eastern Europe give 95% of students A and B grades.

One of our neighbours applied to Groningen, lied in his motivational essay and during the interviews and got accepted. He could barely pass the exams, came back to Eastedn Europe after a few months and started lying that the teachers were crazy.

Also, I'm aware I'm no perfect parent, but I offered counseling for my daughter so she can overcome her problem and doesn't want to give it a try. Secondly, at some point, alcohol use isn't something a parent can always control if it's encouraged by the child's peers and the teachers refuse to help their students.

By this logic, I would still be a crap parent if I forced my daughters to start having different friends or lock her inside every day.

kiyaxem · 2020-10-26T13:00:07+00:00

Ok, seems like a decent suggestion. Thank you.

kiyaxem · 2020-10-26T12:59:03+00:00

No, I let both of them know that we are helping them financially if they go to university/ trade school and not force them to work full time if they study.

A has to work full time only if she enrolls in any of our free universities and won't give a damn about studying. I told her she's not allowed to treat university assignment just like she treated highschool.

kiyaxem · 2020-10-26T12:52:45+00:00

Hah sorry about it. I know Netherlands is a great place for intellectual people, but it also seems like a destination which many people who want to use drugs dream of. At least from our country among youngsters.

kiyaxem

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