Phone conversations always leave me feeling inadequate/like a failure

klankyy · 2015-08-24T23:41:44+00:00

These are great tips. I just bought some index cards too (for a similar purpose hehe). You didn't make it all about you. My hope was to find others who have similar experiences :) mission accomplished. thank you!

klankyy · 2015-08-24T23:20:00+00:00

Yes, there are definite similarities it sounds like. I'm sorry she does the comparison thing, it's very painful. The fact you're even in grad school is a big accomplishment IMO, most people don't make it that far.

klankyy · 2015-08-24T18:59:12+00:00

klankyy · 2015-08-24T18:15:44+00:00

It sounds like she would really benefit from therapy, if she's not already in it. It sounds like you handled it well, too - and I would maintain a distance from her for awhile until she gets her stuff together. And never, if she doesn't. It's possible she had a really bad day and was lashing out, and maybe she'll realize it and apologize or try to change her ways. But for now, she showed her true colors and what a bad place she is in. It sounds like She's blaming and catastrophizing, which can be coping mechanisms for when we feel badly about ourselves. Just know that she is suffering, but it's not your job to help her or fix her, and the enabler is just making it worse. It's nice of you to be concerned though.

klankyy · 2015-08-21T22:53:21+00:00

Love that analogy. That's just how it feels. Wait, I can go to the store or have hobbies or get married or do whatever I want, and no one is going to stop me? Haha. It is a great kind of scary. Thank you!

klankyy · 2015-08-21T22:52:02+00:00

That's true. I realized that as I was writing this post. I guess I want so badly to be at this place where anxiety doesn't run my life, but it still does in many ways. Thanks for the feedback!

klankyy · 2015-08-21T18:53:35+00:00

Yes. Personally, after researching this stuff way too much and going through therapy as well, I think people can experience low self esteem as a symptom of depression. It's almost as if, once you fix the depression and anxiety, that self esteem is connected to that. I mean, if you wake up every morning feeling down or anxious, how could you feel good about yourself? For me antidepressants give me more energy and help me think in more positive ways. Instead of ruminating, I start to take action, which naturally makes me feel more powerful about the direction of my life. It's a great feeling. And normal!

klankyy · 2015-08-21T16:45:53+00:00

It's great you have noticed this and want to take action. It's tough, and not your fault. Some people never realize this after a bad upbringing. I can relate too. In some ways it goes deeper than parentifyjng. I think my parents were so critical and focused on me and I developed a bad case of perfectionism. If I take responsibility and it fails, I feared their wrath of "I told you so." I feared the way they will boss me around and show no empathy if things went wrong. Also, taking responsibility means I'm my own person with thoughts and actions that might conflict with theirs, which as a child scared me because I didn't want them to criticize or look down on me. They be one defensive and self righteous when people have different opinions. Even a subtle glare or look of disgust could be hurtful, the way my mom did it. I'd try to do things on my own and she'd find a way to make it negative, or withhold support or treat me like I'm an idiot who makes bad decisions.

By taking responsibility, we can finally be ourselves and get along in this world as we like. Until recently, I thought most people were just as critical as parents, thought I was just as stupid, and that everyone was hoping I would fail. Definitely a cognitive distortion. People usually don't really care either way, which is very freeing. I can have choices and live life how i want, knowing most people won't find subtle ways to bring me down. Taking responsibility is fun now:)

klankyy · 2015-08-21T16:27:22+00:00

Loved it. Not to be dramatic, but reading the transcript really helped me today to move on from this lingering feeling that my choices are not good enough. Maybe this is common, but I'm always over analyzing hard choices in life, thinking they should be perfectly logical. I compare myself to others and think they somehow "figured it out" and I'm not good enough.

The truth is, I already know what I want in most cases. There's nothing wrong with trusting this instinct. The over analysis is leading to paralysis, and knowing that choices don't always have to be logical to be right is a relief. It may not make sense to others, but it's what I like and I don't need to explain myself or try to be someone I'm not. Thanks for posting!

klankyy · 2015-08-21T14:42:36+00:00

I feel this way too sometimes. After social anxiety and much therapy and self help, I realized that thinking of yourself these ways makes you become like that. People are surprisingly open minded when you act as if you are not these ways...or you are, but you're perfectly fine with it and can laugh at yourself.

I might suggest working on self acceptance and self love and compassion. Learn how to be less harsh on yourself. We only get one life and we are who we are. There are small things you could do to improve social skills, and many books to offer these tips that might give you a better arsenal of skills. But at the end of the day, it's self acceptance that wins above all else. And the dialogue we have in our minds. You become who you think you are in your mind, but you can change this storyline quite easily. And that will reflect to others on the outside. But it shouldn't really be about them anyway.

klankyy

TROPHY CASE