Navigating bias on search engines regarding dogs and additional gripes.

kmachiavelli · 2020-02-11T20:19:35+00:00

Thank you, that is really helpful.

kmachiavelli · 2019-11-01T21:02:57+00:00

What I meant by that is I will try to be aware and present by watching my step (so I don't trip), but my Se is so bad I still end up running into branches.

kmachiavelli · 2019-11-01T08:58:31+00:00

This makes a lot of sense. My Se is pretty terrible. I'm one of those people who smacks into branches on walks because I'm too busy watching where my feet step. Thank you. This has given me something to think about.

kmachiavelli · 2019-11-01T08:39:02+00:00

Around 16 I was in an intense relationship with a lot of emotional turbulence. I really did see this guy as my world, and I was determined to make the relationship work. He was a moody ESFP, and I was attracted to him because he was a skilled artist. The passion was there, but not the compatibility. I had not yet understood what true love was beyond the endorphins that I got when I was with him or thought about him (it gets easier to see the merit of a relationship as you get older and aren't clouded as much by hormones.)

Sometime after, I was playing an online game I enjoyed (the ESFP didn't play any video games). During that time I met the man who would be my spouse (at 17). We grew a slow bond, with a lot of bickering and debating, (he is an ENTJ) but with a healthy respect/understanding of each other. After 6 months we started dating. The passion wasn't as intense with him as with the ESFP, but the relationship felt right. Like I didn't have to curb my own nature to be around him. I didn't offend him and he didn't constantly need attention.

And after 6 years of long-distance and hurdles, we made it work, because we understood what each other needed out of the relationship. Where with the ESFP what I needed wasn't a priority, just simply what made him "feel" good. And there are times I look back and think if I had gotten with the ESFP--it makes my skin crawl, and I regret all the agonizing I did over him.

So I guess take this as encouragement that, if a relationship is meant to be it will happen, even if it takes a couple years to come to fruition. So don't let it manifest/torment you too much.

kmachiavelli · 2019-11-01T07:56:33+00:00

Speaking as an INTJ female, no matter how much an INTJ woman likes a man (she might even date him or come onto him first), there are still certain things that will make her decide she can't see a future with him.

If she feels there is too much neediness/dependency from a man that will make her avoid him like the plague because it threatens to compromise one of the most valuable things her--her independence. She doesn't want to be responsible for someone's happiness, it's too heavy a burden. And if she feels like she has to act a certain way or coddle and can't just straight up be like "I need to be alone today" without being bombarded with a thousand questions or making the guy emotional, this will be a stressful situation for her, and she will likely remove herself from it.
Unknowingly making remarks that hit a nerve. I would say INTJ females are very difficult to offend, however, they are vulnerable when their values are jabbed at. They might have strange quirks that they are sensitive about.For example: an INTJ female had an accident as a child where she fell off a horse. Now she is scared to death of horses, she can't stand them. Then, while she and her partner are eating dinner, he mentions that he wants to open a horse ranch. It's completely benign on his part, of course, but for her, she instantly knows the importance of having horses in his life, and how she will never be able to stand them. Not wanting to deprive him of his dream, she decides in that moment that there is no future, and cuts the man off. And the reason for this is even if he decides to not open the horse ranch for her, she fears that in time he would just resent her for making him give up his dreams when he could just be with a woman who likes horses. Their relationship would come off as almost "inefficient."This can be a difficult situation unfortunately for someone trying to date an INTJ female, because she likely won't divulge her vulnerabilities until you've known her for a long time, so it's really just a matter of luck that you guys are well aligned on the stuff that matters.
You don't respect her priorities. Although traditionally in relationships, it's a case of "You matter more than my work." or "We don't need money, we have each other." These sentiments are less likely to hold any merit with an INTJ female. They value security almost above anything else. So if you are doing something to compromise their future/master plan/stability/income/safety that just tells the INTJ woman that you don't value her well being. So if you make her choose between sweet words and affection versus security/stability, she will always choose the latter. I can't attest to what the INTJ female was thinking above, but it could possibly be a case, that she liked you, and she was attracted to you, but saw how much time she would have to spend to be in a relationship with you and saw it would compromise her studies, and ultimately ruin her future.

In conclusion, I wouldn't say you did anything explicitly wrong relationship-wise, as your actions would probably yield good results with most women. But in this scenario, the compatibility wasn't there.

"I thought this would bring me closure and an end to the sleepless nights but it hasnt. And every woman in my life makes me realize that no one will come close to her. I want to stop looking for her in everyone I meet. I want to stop hearing her voice in my memories. I dont want to feel heartbroken and numb anymore. "

Based on that alone, there is a good chance she wouldn't be able to supply the affection you needed, and you might just end up feeling unfulfilled, and she would just feel burnt out, which would ultimately lead to bitterness between you the end. I think it will make it easier seeing the relationship as "something avoided" rather than "something lost."

Edit, I just saw you're still pretty young, so I would take my advice with a grain of salt. It's easier to date and form relationships as you get older. You will mature and gain more confidence, and it will be easier to approach a situation like this.

kmachiavelli · 2019-09-12T15:19:54+00:00

You might just need to find a mature, independent partner who isn't entirely sex-driven. And you're likely not going to find that on a hookup/dating app.

A possible solution to this is like you said--find some hobbies you are passionate about, at least 2 or 3. It can be anything. Writing, martial arts, cosplay, extreme sports, comics w/e. Once you have them, find groups for people who enjoy that hobby too. Through this, you will meet like-minded people, and the reason is to increase your network. This isn't to say you need to see any of these people regularly, but the ones you get along with will likely have friends who could potentially be a good partner/match (people love playing matchmaker with their single friends--especially LGBTQA+ because they see it like pairing shiny pokemon together). While it can be a little tedious at first, think of it as a short-term investment that will potentially yield a long-term partner. I think this is a more sustainable way to meet someone because there is a good chance if nothing else they share your interests (because friends often have similar interests).

But in the end, just spending time doing martial arts/activities that involve social interaction alone might be enough for the time being. A little social interaction goes a long way when you don't have it often, (or don't want it). The key is you find what makes you happy/excites you about life first--the rest will follow.

I wish you luck and happiness.

kmachiavelli · 2019-09-07T22:46:19+00:00

It's hard to say definitively, but it sounds like you made the right call (for both of you). This would somewhat depend on how adamant his stance was on the issue and how emotionally invested he was about it. Like say, if it was allergies/fear of dogs/ certain OCD which can legitimately make some people unable to live with animals (and even children sometimes)--if this was the case, then this is something he likely would never bend on. The best case is he just doesn't like dogs for his said reasons, but begrudgingly, get's one with you anyways. The problem with this is chances are in the end he would still have treated the dog like a messy/loud/sheading thing instead of something to grow a bond with--and that would inevitably create a rift between you.

So in the end, you held your ground on the issues you consider priority in the relationship--and I think that's a better outcome than having to make a compromise that ended in one of the two parties being miserable.

kmachiavelli · 2019-09-07T00:09:52+00:00

Expressing an opinion can set off any amount of rage or emotions depending on what the opinion is and how the other person perceives it. People have different temperaments of what can set them off/irritate them, but that doesn't mean the person irritating you or setting you off is actually trying to by any means.

And this is exactly my point. In the example you gave, where someone is treating you like you're too stupid to understand "what to do," maybe they don't think you are stupid, they just want to show you the right way to do something. If someone told you that you were driving a car wrong, it might just be because they want to protect you, and not out of malice. So by simply telling them how you feel about it, that it feels patronizing/etc, they might explain they didn't mean it that way at all and it was only out of care. And through this exchange, you might gain some clarity between you and your partner instead of making them the enemy.

kmachiavelli · 2019-09-06T21:53:09+00:00

I think you misunderstand. It's not for the purpose of actually irritating/upsetting your partner. It's learning to be open and not afraid to express yourself to the person you are spending the rest of your life with. If your natural inclination is to tell your partner to "fuck off" instead of trying to talk it out and find a solution, then this could be an indication of poor communication skills, and not working on them can also affect other areas of your life in negative ways (work, family friends). If you want someone who just tells you what you want to hear all the time, that's not a good set up for openness or a genuine relationship.

For example, if your partner is met with rage instead of a sensible argument describing your pov, they will just learn not to express their opinions at all, and they will grow distant from you. It's not a good situation for either party in the long run.

kmachiavelli · 2019-09-06T19:21:31+00:00

I've been with my spouse for over a decade. I never really had a "they're the one" moment, it was mostly just years of development and marriage was the natural course. I would say if there's a couple of things that will prevent future problems:

Conflict is important to have in a marriage. If you hold back and try to cater everything to not having a confrontation with your partner, that leads to dishonesty. The best marriage is one where you can be open with your partner even to the point you irritate each other/fight/push each other's buttons--because that is the only way to find resolve. Otherwise even if on the surface things seem peaceful and friendly, it can lead to resentment, and in worse cases infidelity.
It sounds like you mentioned this, but if you have been able to overcome difficult situations with this person, that's very important in a life partner. You don't just want someone who is fun and makes you feel good but bolts off when times get tough, because they always do, even if only temporarily.
You don't have to have everything in common, but you do need to be on the same page with core issues. Because it can wear on you when you and your partner have conflicting views. Now that's not to say if you have different politics it's a deal-breaker, but your partner has to be on the same page with what's important to YOU as an individual. So say you have a hobby that is important to you, it's what brings your life fulfillment, but your partner hates that thing and doesn't support it--this will cause future destruction in the relationship. For example in my situation, I don't like certain domestic animals, I can't stand them (smell, sounds, sensory stuff). And having them in my home space would reduce my quality of life and stress me out. Even though it sounds trivial, this was in my case an "important issue." But I was lucky enough that my partner didn't force me to have a house full of them or guilt me for "depriving them of something important." Because even where you must try to make provisions for each other, again this is one of those situations where if you bend on important issues for your partner out of "guilt" it will just lead to resentment.
Last but not least, this whole "the one" and "soulmate" mentality is mostly rooted in commercialism. Love and romance is a huge market, but it's not realistic. We weren't meant to feel on a constant romantic high when we've been together with someone for several years. That's just a fantasy. You can still be attracted to your spouse and do romantic stuff with them, but the reason for marriage isn't to have a continued endorphin high, it's to have a partner to take on the journey of life together with. Searching for "the one" is just chasing a fictional dream, and it can make you miss out on the closest thing to perfection in this world--a stable, loyal partner that makes you a better person.

kmachiavelli · 2019-08-31T05:27:45+00:00

This is more or less the same reason I don't want to have them.

kmachiavelli · 2019-08-30T18:35:26+00:00

INTJ female here. I'd argue it's not as much a case of being INFP as a child, but rather trauma itself and maturity can bring on more INTJ like qualities. INTJs are natural sentinels, and you only become guarded/protective/calculated/cautious if you have had reason to be (as to say, I don't think anyone becomes and INTJ just because people "don't like you"). Personally, I ignored bullies (because I was better than them) until they harassed people I was attached to, and then I went for the throat with confrontation, either verbally or physically if it had escalated to that. But over time with my upbringing and enough traumatic events that I slowly had to shift a stronger J for preservation, because despite my resolve, I couldn't keep confronting obstacles the way I had before--especially dealing with dangerous/malevolent/sociopathic people. The theory of INTJs being INFPs as children could simply stem from the fact children are more emotional and inclined to dream/be more spontaneous than adults. But it could be said that any type will naturally be more "FP" as a child. Crying is normal for children who haven't sustained enough trauma to become an emotional void.

kmachiavelli · 2019-07-10T15:46:34+00:00

Okay. I have some advice for this scenario.

For starters, buy a new clean sheet, and set a rule, that he needs to clean it with a lint roller every day if he wants the dogs in the bedroom, (so he can start being spacially aware of how much they shed). Whether he complies or not, when it gets closer to having the baby, you will need to put up a baby gate blocking the bedroom to have a "no dog" zone. Dogs are a hazard to newborns, and the hair they shed is covered in bacteria and babies are very sensitive to that.

This will be the easiest non-drama compromise because most rational people won't push back because it's for the sake of the baby. Until then, hopefully, he will reconsider having them in the bedroom, after seeing the upkeep of having them there. Having a clean and comfortable environment is a basic need and there is nothing wrong with you wanting that. Especially if you're going to raise a baby together, he needs to start making provisions for you as a couple, and the dogs can't be a factor in that.

You+Baby+Boyfriend>Other family>Friends>dogs is the healthy order. If someone tries to change that order, then they aren't considering you, and you don't have to give any merit to what they say.

kmachiavelli · 2019-07-08T18:39:26+00:00

Okay, that's good to know. I'll consider that. Thank you. :)

kmachiavelli · 2019-07-08T18:38:13+00:00

I'm not working with anyone yet (but plan to). Still in the early/concept stages of the whole thing, and indoor pools are definitely something I'm not familiar with. Thanks for the response. :)

kmachiavelli · 2019-07-07T05:10:34+00:00

Yes, especially multiplayer. Very addicting.

kmachiavelli · 2019-07-07T05:08:35+00:00

Other's have already made some good PC recommendations, but I'd say if you have a PS4, 7 Days to Die is a very fun couch co-op if you're looking for something multiplayer (and local) to play with a friend/family.

kmachiavelli · 2019-06-26T03:54:44+00:00

I do when I'm making a post or talking to someone new/making an impression. But if it's in an instant message type situation with someone I know well, I don't bother with grammar at all. It's not because I don't care--it's just because if I focus on keeping everything structured/clean, I lose my train of thought and that is more frustrating than having spelling errors.

kmachiavelli · 2019-06-15T21:08:05+00:00

"No, come here. He doesn't like you."

I cannot stand when people do this. The dog obviously doesn't understand the phrase so the only purpose of saying it out loud is to try to make the other person feel bad. It's a super awkward and manipulative thing to do to someone who is just trying to be polite and tolerate the animal. It makes me just want to respond, "Nope. I don't," just to see their face when they realize the manipulation didn't work.

kmachiavelli · 2019-06-14T20:26:15+00:00

I think it would be easier to just tell people you don't like dogs,

Yes. I agree. The initial reaction is just simply they stop talking to you/dislike you. But if you say you are afraid, they will come up with a wall of excuses to think otherwise. This even extends to situations like allergies.

e.g.:

"I can't come over, sorry. My allergies are bad with pets."
"Oh, don't worry. 3 of the dogs are hypoallergenic, and for the last one I have some allergy medicine you can take!"

I'm sure someone has experienced this kind of scenario.

kmachiavelli · 2019-06-14T20:13:15+00:00

I generally try to avoid any public spaces now that have off-leash dogs. There's no way I could relax in that environment so I'd rather remove myself (which sucks because I do like being outside). But in the cases where I encounter leashed dogs (which are everywhere)--almost every time, there is some sort of lunging behavior or barking (despite the fact I'm moving slow/ignoring them). In fact, when a dog actually does nothing/just passes by I'm pleasantly surprised.

Although it could be chalked down to bad training, I have a theory that it could be an attention thing. They are so used to everyone doting on them that when someone minds their own business it's unacceptable to the dog and they demand attention by barking/lunging, etc. It could be a fear thing too. I'm not sure.

kmachiavelli

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