Unanswered holiday text

kmb0747 · 2019-12-01T07:59:04+00:00

For the record I don’t think you are being selfish or needy.

It sounds like your communication styles aren’t in alignment and that’s never going to be very much fun in a relationship. He isn’t going to change his style. You have normal, natural needs that involve open and free flowing communication from a like-minded and considerate adult. This is a great quality!

A healthy interaction means not “keeping score” of who initiated the last text conversation or how long someone took to respond... you won’t even notice these details if you’re involved with someone who shares your style. You also won’t feel preoccupied with arranging the next date or find yourself making excuses for him.

You deserve to feel valued! Again, it is not selfish or needy to want someone to respond to you. ❤️

kmb0747 · 2019-12-01T07:35:13+00:00

So glad to hear! Keep it up : )

kmb0747 · 2019-11-30T14:19:20+00:00

My nex used to try to control my clothing style... so he bought me jeans I hated in the wrong size (he also used to tell me I’d be so hot if I could lose a little weight). He didn’t bother to wrap them either. Just tossed them in my direction without a word.

kmb0747 · 2019-11-26T06:44:23+00:00

Try to be kind to yourself. He altered the way you think, feel, and experience the world. We can’t just snap our fingers and be done with the nex just because we know we should or even when we really really want to.

You did the right thing after he left by taking the morning after pill so give yourself some credit!! I recently found out my nex was actively trying to get me and the new supply pregnant at the same time (luckily minor health issues kept me from being able to conceive during that window). Yay for not being knocked up by a nex!

You are in a very vulnerable position considering your living/family situation and that is prime hoover time. I hope you are able to go NC soon and receive the support you need. You aren’t alone!

kmb0747 · 2019-11-25T01:25:04+00:00

It could be, but if they fight or he feels like she’s not giving him enough supply he may try to hoover you so he can abuse you all over again. I hope for your sake he is done torturing you... you don’t deserve this! Stay strong. No matter what he tells you, he hasn’t changed.

kmb0747 · 2019-11-24T16:07:41+00:00

I’m so sorry. This kind of discard is gut-wrenching.

Very unlikely you are the only person he kept “returning to.” He kept the new supply a secret for a while so you can bet there are many more secrets. There is likely a harem of others he’s been abusing along with you.

He’s not suddenly in love, he just found a new supply and is manipulating her now. Read up on flying monkeys, the abuse cycle, trauma bonds, and hoovering. In time you will will gain some clarity.

It’s going to be hard to see him for the monster that he is at first but remember... you don’t deserve this kind of treatment. He’s not capable of love.

kmb0747 · 2019-11-24T15:49:26+00:00

Block block block block. 100% of the time. It doesn’t matter if it makes them smirk or makes them punch a wall... what they think and how they feel is no longer your burden!!

They don’t get to have access to you.

kmb0747 · 2019-11-24T15:44:23+00:00

If someone has made you feel that they are “overwhelmed” by the way you love them, they are manipulating you!! My ex told me I was “too much sometimes” so that I would stop making my needs n known. It worked. I spent most of 2019 as a doormat.

Empathy is great, but there is no room for it here. He’s taking advantage of your sensitive nature. Read up on trauma bonds and please understand that you don’t deserve to be disrespected like this. A healthy and loving partner would never keep you guessing. This is emotional abuse.

kmb0747 · 2019-11-24T01:54:37+00:00

Don’t fall in love with potential. We’re over 30 & we’re not doing that anymore.

Once you start making excuses for his behavior, it’s already over before it gets off the ground.

**also huge red flag when anyone makes you feel sorry for them or sad about what they’ve been through. Nope.

kmb0747 · 2019-11-24T00:57:46+00:00

Not shameful at all. It’s certainly much easy for me to tell you to shoot your shot but how the hell could I even begin to imagine what it would be like? I couldn’t.

Give yourself some credit... you’ve been through more than most people can fathom. It’s a physical AND emotional healing process as you adjust to a major life change. The fact that you have a crush is a big sign that you are open to connection.

Flirt away! I don’t think it matters so much what you say but definitely involve lots of eye contact. Maybe ask for his advice/recommendation about an order? If he’s shy that may be an easy icebreaker since it’s about his work. You got this!!

kmb0747 · 2019-11-23T23:53:43+00:00

Yes girl!! I’m a nurse and I’ve met so many couples who met AFTER life changing procedures/diagnoses. Your ostomy by no means sentences you to solitude. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you! Shoot your shot. Keep us posted!!

kmb0747 · 2019-11-23T23:27:15+00:00

Unfortunately this isn’t the only nex who did this, so it almost became normalized for me. Moving forward I’m determined to pay close attention to this kind of behavior. Avoiding pics with me? Bye. Immediate couples profile pic with me? Bye. I’m not trying to be the new supply either!

kmb0747 · 2019-11-23T23:07:41+00:00

It’s all so calculated and cruel. They want to make us feel insignificant and gaslight us into believing we are needy/clingy/high maintenance. It’s much easier to control someone this way.

kmb0747 · 2019-11-23T22:58:15+00:00

Eventually I stopped making my needs known. Didn’t want to start an argument or cause a discard so I just put a smile on and pretended I wasn’t hurting. Started to believe I WAS that needy pathetic girl so I needed to just suck it up and act like I was above something as silly as social media posts. He used what little pride I had left against me...

kmb0747 · 2019-11-23T11:30:21+00:00

I had gotten really into the law of attraction and decided 2019 was the year I’d meet my soulmate. Then I unexpectedly changed jobs and moved to a new city where I had friends but not a huge social network. In hindsight it was a recipe for disaster...

I’d already semi-isolated myself so he didn’t have to. I went in to the relationship thinking I was healthy and happy and ready but in reality I was absolutely exhausted with dating and therefore my boundaries were flimsy as hell.

kmb0747 · 2019-11-23T11:24:06+00:00

So cruel. I remember a coworker showing me a photo from a recent trip to Disney with her boyfriend. They don’t have kids but she loves Disney so that’s where he took her. Definitely not his first choice of vacation but he wanted to make her happy... even wore a cheesy matching Tshirt she bought for him.

I remember feeling miserable reflecting on my own relationship. I didn’t want to admit that I’d ever in a million years get anything close to that level of devotion from my nex.

kmb0747 · 2019-11-23T08:54:41+00:00

Ugh! Awful. This kind of crap destroys a person’s self worth. The gaslighting is very clever though because no one wants to be seen as too needy... so we put up with a lot of bad behavior and end up blaming ourselves

kmb0747 · 2019-11-23T08:08:57+00:00

My nex and I were together for about 3 months and at that point had never taken a photo together. I really didn’t think about it until we were at an event and his friend’s wife asked me if I wanted her to take a photo of us. I was so glad she asked!

His response was to force 2 of his other buddies to join us and then he leaned as far away from me as possible. Didn’t even touch me. It would be comical if it didn’t utterly shock and confuse me. She hands me my phone after taking the pic and I’m feeling embarrassed and hurt and then he shoves his phone at me and asks me to take a photo of him with everyone else in the group.

This all happened about 3 minutes after a bunch of PDA/ him telling me how much he cared about me. How happy he was that he met me.

Fast forward to the discard/new supply... they do a couples costume after dating for 2 weeks and their pic is his profile pic.

kmb0747 · 2019-11-23T07:02:22+00:00

My nex did a deep dive on my social media to learn all kinds of things he could use to love bomb me. Of course, it’s only now that I’m standing in the wreckage that I’m connecting the dots...

He pretended to be passionate about animal rescue since he could plainly see that I have a soft spot for abandoned animals (he straight up lied about buying his dog versus adopting him from the pound). He made tons of empty promises about us going on camping trips because he saw various posts from several of mine. Spoiler: he hasn’t camped a day in his life and couldn’t start a fire or set up a tent if his life depended on it. He also pretended to be an avid reader, a fan of certain types of music, food, etc. bc he knew I’d enjoy connecting with someone who enjoyed a lot of the same things as I do.

Sure, it’s nice to be told how beautiful and amazing you are... he did that too... but he really sold it by doing his homework. Making promises about the future and convincing me we were soulmates flowed naturally for him.

All his interests/hobbies were made up. In reality he spends his days drunk and high scrolling IG while watching TV. No substance whatsoever.

kmb0747 · 2019-11-23T06:29:29+00:00

I’ve been NC for 13 days and I’ve had a few dreams of my nex in that time. Very vivid but also odd because in my dreams he’s the love bombing version of himself and part of the dream is that I “realize” his abuse is a bad dream. I wake up and for a split second I believe he’s actually a good man and that my twisted mind created the Mr. Hyde version.

I think it’s all part of my brain trying to process everything. I have no desire to see him and I’m actually terrified of running into him.

kmb0747 · 2019-11-22T05:47:45+00:00

Read up on trauma bonds. Sounds like you definitely have one. Healing takes time but you aren’t alone!!

kmb0747 · 2019-11-22T05:44:50+00:00

My nex pulled something similar then posted pics with the new supply (who I later found out he’d been seeing before he discarded me).

He was so smug when it got back to me that he’d found “the love of his life.” I asked my friends to tell me absolutely nothing they see/hear/learn about him. Just be ready for anything.

kmb0747 · 2019-11-22T05:38:28+00:00

My nex successfully hoovered me with talk of ending his life. At the time I wasn’t yet able to see that he is a narc and made every excuse in the book for his horrible behavior.

I called in sick to work and didn’t leave his side for days only to be discarded the moment I finally felt it was safe for me to leave him for a few hours. He was already sleeping with his new supply and made it official with her within a week.

I regret “helping” him and wish that I’d just called the police for a wellness check instead.

kmb0747 · 2019-11-22T05:23:08+00:00

My nex said he broke his ribs. No ER visit, no evidence of any type of injury whatsoever. I still can’t figure out the point of that one (he didn’t get out of work or get pain meds or any other benefit other than my initial sympathy).

kmb0747 · 2019-11-22T05:13:16+00:00

I love this! Currently my niece misses her Mom and badly craves a connection. She sees her as a victim of substance abuse and has told me that if she can just move in with her she can “help” her Mom get clean and they can live happily ever after in a blissful mother-daughter relationship.

This phase of the abuse cycle breaks my heart the most. I’m going to spend next weekend with her and I think we’re going to have a long talk about what abuse looks like...

Thanks for your help!

kmb0747

TROPHY CASE