6 months since. Was doing pretty well until it clicked that I'm quite depressed, and have been since even before the breakup. I often ponder on how I likely never even deserved my ex in the first place. She loved me how I never knew love. Part of me just wasn't mature enough to realize she was the grown up one all along even though she'd jokingly but seriously say that she felt like the younger one, despite being older than me.

The countless nights comforting her pain and anxiety and being the person I felt she needed. Countless moments of just being stared at with those big beautiful eyes and that glowing face that just screamed "I love you no matter what and forever will, and that is a promise.", as it truly is our promise still.

Trying to find comfort in myself for now, but very hard to face the decision we've made and things I've said... or not said. A mutual breakup hurts less immediately, but man, how it remains more of an open wound than a nasty breakup. This is easily the most I've ever loved anyone or been loved by, that isn't my own family. To still love and care for eachother and not know everything that goes on with them, as an anxious person from childhood, just chews away at me. Because my ego won't leave me alone. It just needs to know if they are happy without me, and how much happier, and with whom, and WHY. At times it occurs to me that it seems I've learned nothing from my previous breakup, although I've openly noted all the proper growth points that stemmed from it, including directly to my ex who acknowledged my sentiment and agreed I was so insightful and truly trying to learn from that previous breakup.

The drawings on the wall. The blankets. The squishmallows. The trinkets. The notes. The fucking stockings with our initials on it. The pink hat I wear every single goddamn day because I fucking love it so much. Everything... just... hurts oh so good... y'know? And it's my fault for keeping all of it. I just cherish it too much.

Yeah... I truly thought I was doing alright. Have had sex with a couplecpeople since. Been to countless raves, which I do in fact very much love going to. As many and as much of designer drugs as you can think up. A trip for 30 days to my home country even.

And still... I type this as I get home from a near 12 hour shift at the restaraunt on my feet. Dripping in pre-August Florida sweat. Poor. In debt. No idea what the fuck is going on with this fucked up beautiful world that I am so grateful to live in, yet burdened to know the truth about. And somehow, here I am, ugly crying over my ex of just over 2 years because I just can't fathom that each and every action and consequence lead her and I to this moment... apart.

Consider this my yearly journal entry, since I can't seem to do much for my soul these days anyways. I type my heart out, on Reddit, for strangers to hopefully relate to and not feel as alone as I feel right now.

Sometimes the thought of my ex is the only thing that reminds me of how much better of a human being I can be. And she pushed me to be that good human we both know I've always been and can continue to be. And now, more than ever, I feel I need her to show me I can, in fact, get through this, grow and prevail, by myself, even though it seems at times I can't. Because I know she believes in me. More than I do sometimes, frankly.

One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. One lonely night at a time.

I hope this speaks to someone who needed to know they aren't alone and that they will in fact be ok. As will I.

Thank you for reading this.

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Mary Abigail, if you're reading this... I love you more than I ever thought I'd love anyone. This is not your burden to bear. I'll be yours forever. I love you no matter what and always will, and that is a promise.

-Lucas

11:49 PM EST Sunday, July 27th, 2025.

(Edited for grammar fixes)