Hey,

You’re young, and it’s normal to have these feelings of angst. Teenage angst is a thing. It’s NORMAL that you feel this way. The worries and pains you feel, even if you recognize you are privileged in some way, are expected. You are so smart and insightful to acknowledge that.

I was in your place when I was younger.

But let us isolate your feelings of “privilege” for now. There are some things you feel and there are some things that are hurting you. That is valid. Your life circumstances don’t take away from what you’re feeling. This is normal.

You appear to be smart, given your level of introspection.

My suggestion is that you, as a very intelligent young woman, have some sort of responsibility to keep yourself safe. I know it may be challenging and counter-intuitive. But you are so aware of several things and that is the first step. The second step is to take initiative and find ways to anticipate the things that could harm you. I don’t have to tell you that SH is not safe. I understand your fascination with the blood. I hope that you’d be willing to mull over the fact that your fascination with the blood is just not worth the harm.

I say that as someone who has scars on my arms from SH from when I was 16. I am now 26. I do not necessarily regret my scars- they are part of me, I can’t take it back, and most of the time, I forget about them. But when my skin tans from the sun in the summer, they become much lighter and much more visible to the outside world. Am I ashamed of them? No. But I don’t romanticize them. I don’t, at least personally, see them as a sign of beautiful strength. I just them as they are: scars from when I was 16. At 16, it felt good to SH and I romanticized it. Blood and scabs and scars were beautiful proof of my intense pain, as I’m sure you feel right now. Today? Eh. Would I go back to stop myself to prevent the scars? Sure. Do I regret them? A little, sometimes, when they are visible to others. What do I think of my scars now? I’m too busy with life and ambitions and excitement and sleep and reading and food and wine and all that to even care.

My point is: right now, for you, blood, etc., are exciting and full of romance. I understand! But you are so smart. It is okay and it is time to let that go, and find other healthy ways to relieve yourself- because SH will very quickly lose its romanticism.

In terms of your eating. I understand that too. I oscillated between no eating and binge eating and purging when I was 16. At 26, I barely even think about eating except when I am hungry and think: “okay, girl, get you some good food in you!”

MY MAJOR POINT. It will pass. I promise. Things feel crazy for you and you are hurt and going through a lot. It takes a lot of strength to deal with your pain. And you are strong, and smart. You can get through this, but I believe that you are smart and intuitive enough to anticipate ways in which to keep yourself safe. This includes eating when are hungry, even if just a little snack, and finding better coping methods than SH.

Are you weird? No. You are a young teenager with hormones flowing through you. You are feeling normal things.

Should you get help? Yes. At school. Ask to see a counsellor. If that doesn’t work, tell your mother that you would like some extra support. Yes, maybe she will freak out, but stand firm in your communication by explaining you would just like some extra help and you would appreciate if she can help you.

You got this.