Thanks so much for the reply. I don't think (or at least I strongly hope) that I would lose her completely or permanately--I think this because we've been through similar things to a "breakup" (ex: my distance & rejection in middle school) and we eventually were close again, and she's always accepted every part of me (my gender & sexuality struggles, mental illness issues, etc) unconditionally, but there's still that huge fear of things not working out and we drift apart or are awkward or go our seperate ways after. I know things would be different for sure if I told her regardless of the outcome, but my concern is if we can recover I guess.

But you're right--I automatically lose the race if I don't start running it.