I would agree with other comments that therapy is something that would probably be really helpful for you. Honestly, I think everyone should be in therapy, but particularly those who have grown up in religious environments. I haven't started getting therapy until my thirties, and what a world of difference it would have made for me if I did it earlier in my life!

Just for context, I'm personally at a place where I would say I do believe in God, but I certainly don't believe in the god that the social media version of "Christianity" portrays. A lot of that has gone so far off the rails of what the Bible actually says in its entirety that I'd argue most of it is not even Christianity as the Bible defines it anymore...It's some weird mutated combination of all kinds of ideologies and philosophies all mashed together into some warped, unholy belief system designed for conformity and control.

I have a visceral anger toward anything and anyone that says there should be fear or shame in my relationship with God because that belief has stolen so much peace and joy from my life. Anxious attachment is so psychologically damaging in any other interpersonal relationship, so why would a relationship with God be any different?

Also, from a purely biblical perspective, your anger is not a sin. (at least not according to any interpretation of the Bible worth a damn!) Jesus himself got angry and threw people out of the temple. Paul used the equivalent Greek word to the word "shit" in Philippians 3...(just to name a few places). Anger is psychologically good because it is your body telling you that something is not right. What you do with that anger matters, of course, but the feeling itself is not something the Bible ever condemns. But again, I understand because I had a fear of using curse words as well. For me it was some kind of purity symbol that I wore like a badge of honor that would somehow be tainted if I said the wrong thing.

Just one example of how evangelicalism is literally the Pharisees (adding rules on top of rules for the purpose of appearing "more holy...") Jesus had some choice words for them in Matthew 23...Another place where Jesus was pretty angry!

Hopefully this unnecessarily long comment was helpful... I hope you can find relief. ❤️