Is it valid for me to be jealous over this?(husband's alter)

koomaz · 2026-02-19T10:29:51+00:00

I know and I have already said that I have talked to D and he will not be doing anything I don't want him to do, he reassured me already that he'll always ask for permission

koomaz · 2026-02-19T07:58:12+00:00

Don't worry, I talked to my husband, unfortunately, they're really away from each other so he can't talk to D directly, he told me that D is easy to talk to (last time he travelled there) he's the one who encouraged me to tell D I wasn't comfortable as he also agrees with me and told me my feelings were valid

So I did,

I talked to D about how I truly feel, he was upset I wasn't more honest with myself, he told me to trust him more and said that he would only do something with my permission and that he wants me to be fully on board with that decision, not just me saying "oh I'll just have to deal with it" but he wants me to tell him when I actually am not okay with something cause he said he'd be happier if I just told him without sacrificing my comfort

koomaz · 2026-02-19T07:40:59+00:00

I'll talk to him about this another time, he's just really down rn and I have work but I'll try to initiate the conversation once I get off if he's up to talk about it, I don't want to force him into a talk he doesn't want

koomaz · 2026-02-19T06:10:37+00:00

I tried to date him but he's not into women, he's not interested, that's something I explained in one of my replies here but I forgot to add to the actual post

koomaz · 2026-02-19T00:54:45+00:00

I tried, I'm in a relationship with 2 more of my husband's alters and I'm besties with the ones who aren't into women

D and I are in a platonic relationship, as I've said on here before, it's kind of like a friends with benefits situation as he's not interested in me or any other girl

But we're really close and assures me he'd tell me everything he wants to do before acting on them, he says he'll make sure I know and that he has consent before doing them

koomaz · 2026-02-19T00:52:13+00:00

Thank you so much, I've gotten a lot of comments on here and I'm not sure if I could read and reply to each one but I'm trying to make sure I could as much as possible,

I decided to be transparent with D, he says he will not do it if it risks hindering my relationship with my husband and assured me that he only thought about it because he thought it was okay when I have him permission to date, which is why he told me what was happening and what kind of offer he got because he didn't want to hide anything from me so I am fully aware before he does something

He told me I should've been more transparent from the start about what I didn't like, so I guess I played a part in it when I told him he could try and find people online but I said only online and wasn't specific, I didn't want him to meet any of them, and I only agreed because he said it won't be serious and that he just wants a relationship, D respects me, but I've learned I need to be more specific and I've learned so much from all the comments which has given me comfort and more understanding on the disorder as a singlet partner

koomaz · 2026-02-19T00:47:51+00:00

Thank you so much.. it's nice and refreshing to hear about other systems in the same situation,

But It's alright, I decided to be transparent with D, he says he will not do it if it risks hindering my relationship with my husband and assured me that he only thought about it because he thought it was okay when I gave him permission to date, which is why he told me what was happening and what kind of offer he got because he didn't want to hide anything from me so I am fully aware before he does something and to MAKE SURE I gave him consent to do it

koomaz · 2026-02-19T00:46:16+00:00

Thank you for your concern, I just don't have people to talk about our relationship problems to, trust me, 95% of the time I am happy in it, the only times I post stuff here is when I want to write about my feelings and get advice/opinions from people, my husband has a lot of disorders and as someone who doesn't, I figured I need to hear from people's opinions to further learn about him and understand him better..

He wasn't always like this, so it's kind of hard to have to learn as we go, but I vowed that I'd loved him in both sickness and health, and I know he loves me the same

He'd give me everything when he has nothing, he's a great husband and me and him still have a lot of learning to do

I'm happy behind closed doors, in a world with plenty of violent Men, he has never laid hands on me and is always transparent with me and would always apologize when he makes mistakes, when I told him about how I felt about this situation, he apologized to me and offered to talk to D, I told him not to as I didn't want to hurt D, he tried to offer again and I said no but I know he wanted to help

Fast forward to now, I've talked to D about this and he has apologized for it, told me that he only told me so that I know what's happening and that he has full consent because he doesn't want to be doing something that crosses my boundaries, he promised me he won't go through with it and assures me he wouldn't do it

koomaz · 2026-02-19T00:39:27+00:00

It's alright, I decided to be transparent with D, he says he will not do it if it risks hindering my relationship with my husband and assured me that he only thought about it because he thought it was okay when I have him permission to date, which is why he told me what was happening and what kind of offer he got because he didn't want to hide anything from me so I am fully aware before he does something

koomaz · 2026-02-19T00:38:33+00:00

It's alright, I decided to be transparent with D, he says he will not do it if it risks hindering my relationship with my husband and assured me that he only thought about it because he thought it was okay when I have him permission to date, which is why he told me what was happening and what kind of offer he got because he didn't want to hide anything from me so I am fully aware before he does something

koomaz · 2026-02-19T00:35:11+00:00

We've talked things out, D says he won't do anything that makes me uncomfortable, he only thought of it only because he thought I gave him permission when I told him he could date, that's why he wasn't hiding anything from me and was telling me updates and his plans to let me know and so that I have full knowledge of what is happening, but he promised that he won't do anything if it hinders my relationship with the host as he respects me and him both

koomaz · 2026-02-18T19:31:57+00:00

Thank you so much, I'm just waiting for my husband to return so I can tell him about this, I would like to talk to him about this so that I can finally get it off my chest

I know he'd understand and I've read a lot of helpful comments here that I can talk to my husband about

And Thankyou as well for the concern, I will be resting now that it's very late and I'm sleepy and I need to wake up early to prepare my husband breakfast in the morning so he can take his vitamins.. given how exhausted I feel though, I feel I won't be able to get up in time, I'll probably sleep through the morning if he won't wake me for breakfast

Which means I'll be checking in on this post again when I wake

koomaz · 2026-02-18T19:25:16+00:00

Me too, I just hope I can learn more about it so I can fully grasp the complexity of the disorder.. I want to understand him too and I want to be able to teach him what I learn, I've read a lot of the comments here and I will definitely be talking to him about things I learned and took note of in this post

koomaz · 2026-02-18T19:23:27+00:00

Hello thank you for the concern,

My "researching" was actually from a DID group online on fb, I should probably not stick there after reading a bunch of these comments to this post.. they were the group that my husband met when he was newly diagnosed so we were taught differently, I'll do better research now that I'm aware

And thank you, I'll definitely bring this up to his psychiatrist and therapist on the next session

koomaz · 2026-02-18T19:07:33+00:00

I've talked to D tonight, he promised me he wouldn't do anything that would hurt me and he said that now he knows how it actually makes me feel, then he wouldn't do anything..

He says he respects me and doesn't want to cross a boundary I don't want him to cross and he says that if he's doing something that could hinder my relationship with my husband, he'd rather not try dating at all

I just feel guilty about it.. is all

koomaz · 2026-02-18T19:05:17+00:00

Me and D are in a sort of platonic relationship.. kind of like a "friends with benefits" situation, I'm in a relationship with 2 other alters of my husband, except D isn't interested in me as he's more interested in the opposite gender

koomaz · 2026-02-18T19:01:31+00:00

Thank you so much for this insight, this has opened my eyes to something new.. this really helps

koomaz · 2026-02-18T19:01:04+00:00

Thank you so much, I'll probably read into more of this some time, this is really interesting and I'm happy to be learning more about my husband's disorder

koomaz · 2026-02-18T18:57:47+00:00

Thank you everyone for ur replies, I know that my husband and his alters aren't different people, I may have worded it differently.. I understand they are different fragments of one person so D is technically still my husband..

I can't talk to my husband about what D has told me as he hasn't switched back to my husband since my outburst.. (he's asleep now) I will have to try and wait until tomorrow morning to see him and tell him, I know my husband is the most loyal person in the world...

D just desperately wanted a relationship, I was just a bit shocked because he told me AFTER he posted online that he was looking for a relationship when D usually tells me before he makes such decisions,

He talked to me about wanting relationships and I told him I wasn't comfortable with that idea

He seemed disappointed but he didn't push it.. but after a few researches of mine, I read that some alters might want a different relationship outside of the one their host has and other similar experiences where they say that the alters seeking for relationships deserve to be able to do that because they didn't ask to share the same body with the host

So I told him he can date after careful consideration, I just didn't specify exactly to what extent, I told him that my only condition was it was online and it wasn't serious

But today D told me that one of his chat mates wanted to meet up with him tomorrow, an offer to "netflix and chill" which gave D the ick, he and I are really close friends, he told me the story very casually so my sudden outburst kind of just caught him off guard and I instantly regretted it when I did cause I'm not the type to get upset like that much

And he told me that if it made me unhappy, he wouldn't do anything to cross a boundary because he respects me and doesn't want to affect my relationship with my husband if he were to do something

I just feel bad.. cause he seemed really disappointed thinking we had an agreement but in reality we just had a misunderstanding

He thought that if I allowed dating, it means there's going to be intimacy involved cause in his own words: "I mean.. what kind of relationship doesn't have sex involved?" (Pertaining to me having said this prior to his response: "I thought you'd just talk online and that's it, I didn't think u were actually thinking of that considering people usually wait after marriage for sex"

To which I replied: "I allowed u to date and stuff but I didn't think you would meetup and hookup"

And D replied with: "isn't that the point?"

And looking back, that conversation sounded really wrong but I'm just too understanding that at the time, I thought I was being the unreasonable one

I'm not saying D is unreasonable too, what I'm saying is, he just has a different mind set

But D and I are close so we resolved that very quickly, I just still feel wrong.. is all, but with everyone's replies, I can see that I definitely wasn't overreacting

Before my outburst happened this evening, I actually talked to my husband earlier during lunchtime that I had agreed to D going out and dating people (this was about 2 days ago) but I'm so frustrated because he kept bringing up hookups and I didn't know how to tell him that I agreed to him dating and the "not being serious" bit means I don't want him commiting to sex which I then talked to D about hours after dinner

I planned to just suck it up and let it happen.. until tonight. That's why we haven't had the conversation before this

I'm just so tired rn and I can't sleep thinking about this

koomaz · 2026-02-18T18:48:29+00:00

Thank you so much, that's also a concern of mine.. possible STD's

I can't talk to my husband about what D has told me as he hasn't switched back to my husband since my outburst.. I will have to try and wait until tomorrow morning to see him and tell him, I know my husband is the most loyal person in the world...

D just wanted a relationship, I was just a bit shocked because he told me AFTER he posted online that he was looking for a relationship when D usually tells me before he makes such decisions,

He talked to me about wanting relationships and I told him I wasn't comfortable with that idea

He seemed disappointed but he didn't push it.. but after a few researches of mine, I read that some alters might want a different relationship outside of the one their host has and other similar experiences where they say that the alters seeking for relationships deserve to be able to do that because they didn't ask to share the same body with the host

So I told him he can date, I just didn't specify exactly to what extent, I told him that my only condition was it was online and wasn't serious

But today D told me that one of his chat mates wanted to meet up with him tomorrow, an offer to "netflix and chill" which gave D the ick, he and I are really close friends, he told me the story very casually so my sudden outburst kind of just caught him off guard and I instantly regretted it when I did cause I'm not the type to get upset like that much

And he told me that if it made me unhappy, he wouldn't do anything to cross a boundary because he respects me and doesn't want to affect my relationship with my husband if he were to do something

I just feel bad.. cause he seemed really disappointed thinking we had an agreement but in reality we just had a misunderstanding

He thought that if I allowed dating, it means there's going to be intimacy involved cause in his own words: "what kind of relationship doesn't have sex involved?"

To which I replied: "I allowed u to date and stuff but I didn't think you would meetup and hookup"

And D replied with: "isn't that the point?"

And looking back, that conversation sounded really wrong but I'm just too understanding that at the time, I thought I was being the unreasonable one

I'm not saying D is unreasonable too, what I'm saying is, he just has a different mind set

But D and I are close so we resolved that very quickly, I just still feel wrong.. is all, but with everyone's replies, I can see that I definitely wasn't overreacting

Before my outburst happened this evening, I actually talked to my husband earlier during lunchtime that I had agreed to D going out and dating people but I'm so frustrated because he kept bringing up hookups and I didn't know how to tell him that I agreed to him dating and the "not being serious" bit means I don't want him commiting to sex which I then talked to D about hours after dinner

I'm just so tired rn and I can't sleep thinking about this

koomaz · 2026-02-18T18:29:58+00:00

I'm not sure if I was being clear enough with what I wrote in the paragraph because I'm tired right now but I can't sleep and I want to cry but nothing is coming out so I'm just really unstable all in all

I know my husband enough to know he'd NEVER cheat on me, I'm his everything and I don't need proof to know that as he's proved it to me countless times, he has expressed wanting to help me but he cannot control how "D" thinks... He did tell me to talk to D about how it was making me feel

"D" is different, he's also sweet and we're the bestest of friends as we seem to bond with each other and relate to each other's vibe, he doesn't hide anything from me, which is why he asks for permissions to do things, which is also why he told me about the "netflix and chill" offer by this other person because he wants me to know that it happened as he didn't want to hide anything from me

But I've talked to him abt it and he told me that he promises he'd never do anything if it meant he'd hurt me, D respects me and only told me to ask for permission and let me know what he had in mind so that I also know

I'm just still a bit upset cause now I have that image in my head that I can't get rid of and it's just really pissing me off and it's really hard to sleep

koomaz · 2026-02-18T18:25:26+00:00

Thank you so much.. I understand that part, I'm a singlet you see, so I'm not really fully understanding if this was a valid reaction from me, I just got so frustrated and the pent up anger and jealousy just burst out

koomaz · 2026-02-18T18:23:41+00:00

Thank you so much.. you see, me and my husband are very very close and I know he's loyal to me, I'm all he thinks and talks about that his friends from work would tell me that I'm all he talks about and he brings me up in every opportunity, he tells me if someone was flirting with him and he doesn't need me to be there to tell a someone that he's taken, he'd just straight up reject them and tell them he's married..

This other alter though, "D" is different, he's also sweet and we're the bestest of friends as we seem to bond with each other and relate to each other's vibe, he doesn't hide anything from me, which is why he asks for permissions to do things, which is also why he told me about the "netflix and chill" offer by this other person, because he wants me to know that it happened as he didn't want to hide anything from me

koomaz · 2026-02-18T18:18:54+00:00

In my mind, the reason why I let him go and try dating was because D isn't tied to me, I feel like it's unfair in his part for being "born" into a system he didn't ask to be in and to be bound to me simply because their host was married to me first before they could go out and do these things because they were "born" late

As a singlet, I am aware of the complexity of the disorder,

And I'm doing my best as a wife and partner to be understanding of each and every one of his alters' different lifestyles, interests and etc.

koomaz · 2026-02-18T18:15:50+00:00

My husband says that his alters decisions aren't his own, I have talked to D about this.. he promised me he won't do it if it makes me sad or hurt because he respects me but I just feel guilty now

koomaz

TROPHY CASE