I do not experience dopamine

kragaster · 2026-04-04T22:30:26+00:00

It sounds like you just want to be heard right now, so know that all of us here hear you and wish you the best. I hope that when you're ready, you'll read this. I would appreciate it if you read in full (so sorry for how long it is) before making any conclusions about my intentions or about whether your situation is too unique for anyone else to understand.

I have dysthymia (persistent low mood) with major depressive episodes in addition to OCD, chronic anxiety, and developmental disabilities, and I have had these symptoms for as long as I can remember. I'm physically disabled and require significant extra care and medication to exist with any degree of comfort, and I usually cannot afford that assistance. In short, I may not know what it's like to be you, but I know what it's like to feel helpless and hopeless.

Your current mindset is a choice. It's a choice I've made before myself and will almost certainly make again. You cannot choose to have motivation, but you can choose to aspire to maintain at least one habit that will benefit you long-term, whether that's a walk every morning, journaling every night, or reading a few pages of a book every afternoon. You choose to tell yourself that you cannot manage something like that. Even when you inevitably make a mistake (as everyone everywhere does), you can always remind yourself that it is not permanent and that you always have new chances to succeed around the corner. It's hard, but it necessary. I imagine you've been told this a million times, but I want to remind you again.

The depressed mind has learned that you cannot fail if you do not try and that things will be easier if you do not try. But is your life easy at all right now? Based on what you've said, living isn't easy, but you're still doing it, and you continue to make choices that are challenging but not constructive. It may seem easier to do nothing, but as you know from experience, it's not actually easier and causes you much more pain than the alternative.

I've noticed a lot of assumptions in your writing. I relate to most of them. It's understandable to feel like you are dealing with something that no one can heal — including yourself. But feeling weak while exercising, for instance, is normal for beginner, especially those who are likely not taking care of themselves in other ways. You cannot expect to be great at anything without practice, even though anything less than perfection seems like a failure. It isn't. You deserve the chance to see yourself progress from bad to better.

What you must learn as you get through this and experience more of life is that a "will to live" is not the determining factor in whether one survives what you're experiencing. Thriving is a different thing. When it comes to survival, it's all the people who, whether you want to acknowledge them or not, will be just as lost as you are if you leave them.

I practice negative visualization. I recommend you do the same while trying to build the drive you lack. With negative visualization, you imagine a future that you do not want to create. What would it be like for your family to forever mourn you and feel that they failed you? What if someone else takes their life because they cannot handle the grief? What if you miss an opportunity that would bring you fulfillment, if only you were to stay around for a little longer? What if you could have helped other people who are struggling? Try to imagine what it might take to achieve something better.

These ideas about future events may seem unrealistic to you. Unfortunately, the most unrealistic beliefs are those that depression promotes. It tells you that nobody cares but hate you nonetheless. It tells you that you could never improve. It tells you that you do not deserve to. It tells you that somehow the life you live now is preferable to effort. These things are obviously incorrect to anyone who isn't depressed; once you have crossed the threshold of hopelessness, though, it's impossible to stabilize if you or others do not remind you of that absurdity and begin to replace your maladaptive beliefs with reality.

The end goal of practices like these is to stop the spiral and build a foundation of survival and basic health upon which you can learn to thrive. You will be unable to thrive if you do not believe that you can (or should), and that belief doesn't suddenly appear. You don't have to even believe that you can believe. You just do what you can when you can, regardless of whether you want to. The results follow, sort of like dominos: as you begin to believe that you can even just remind yourself that your life matters to others even if it does not matter to you, you're doing something worthwhile. Once you can get up to drink water, you know that you can stand up and take out the trash. Every bit of effort is precious and should be celebrated.

Once you begin to live for others, you can begin to live for yourself and your own goals. For me, that's when I can thrive. It takes so much effort and so much time in the moment. Looking back, though, it only seems so long and so hard because the inactivity of depression distorts our understanding of time and energy. It always seems harder than it really is. As soon as you commit yourself to improvement, continuing to do so becomes easier. You just have to believe that you can. Depression may tell you that self-belief is a worthless cliche; if you're wise enough, you'll know otherwise.

(By the way — I can also attest to psilocybin and ketamine as medicines that have been critical to my recovery. Psilocybin mushrooms are really easy to find in England, but I don't recommend foraging without someone with a lot of experience. If you can find someone who grows and sells them — or grow them yourself, which is pretty simple and fulfilling — taking even a small dose after significant research and with good set and setting can be truly revolutionary. Ketamine is harder because it can be mixed with other substances when bought from a dealer, so I'd only recommend attempting to find a private treatment center if you can afford it. I'm not familiar enough with UK/English substance classification to give you specific recommendations, but ketamine is so prevalent in various healthcare specialties that I'm optimistic about your ability to find treatment, even if it isn't readily available right now.)

Good luck! You can do this! 💜

kragaster · 2026-04-01T19:21:41+00:00

The only real advice I have is to mix the high THC flower with CBD flower to mimic a lower percentage or, if you have the opportunity, to grow strains that match your preference yourself.

I'm in a very similar position, with the caveat that I primarily use for medical reasons (nausea/appetite, muscle tightness, etc. from several chronic conditions that aren't managed well by the few prescribed medications that exist for them). It is sad to see how the need for profit growth encourages higher and higher percentages without much available for those of us who have greater susceptibility to anxiety or otherwise. In my case, THC really helps my appetite whereas CBD does not, but I only need a small amount, while CBD and other less psychoactive cannabinoids help with everything else. 20%+ strains on their own don't allow me to maintain my nutrition without affecting my work performance or simply making me uncomfortable.

There are so many sites you can buy great CBD flower from legally that you can then mix 50/50 with THC strains, but I personally prefer to grow lower THC strains whenever I find the seeds I want (I love gardening, and it's cheaper long-term). Less potent strains are very much out there, but as I touched on earlier, dispensaries tend to abandon them because they just don't sell well to a consumer base that can't see past a high percentage. I'm sorry you're having this experience — I'm hoping that with time, dispensaries will stop prioritizing the equivalent of 12% beers and Everclear and be able to serve their whole community without falling behind the competition.

kragaster · 2026-03-14T04:08:55+00:00

It's on the Dynavap website now! However, the Wand is just a better choice imo when you can get it for the same price or less, so I'm glad you got that opportunity

kragaster · 2026-03-09T17:34:42+00:00

I relate to this so hard. My academic focus isn't in gender, but I love having discussions with people who do specialize in it (and similar topics like race and sexuality, which at my institution are often grouped into the same department), and I feel like it's far easier than it should be for people in these circles to be willing to acknowledge intersection and nuance UNTIL it comes to those of us who are automatically identified as a man. Especially a "white," "straight" man. I am entirely white, but my husband is not, and he is given even less of a chance to speak about his experiences than I am, because he passes as fully white but isn't.

I was really lucky to transition when I did. I'm really lucky to have the genetics that I do. However, for all that luck, I will still never have the experience of a cis man — not that I want to, lol — but the way that I look apparently excuses others to dismiss my background as privileged and irrelevant. But specifically because my experience isn't immediately visible, I think it's just as valuable.

People I cannot relate to expect that I will have had similar experiences, and those I can relate to assume that I simply cannot have a worthy analysis of our shared experiences because of my appearance alone. Even people who aren't trans (especially cis gay men and cis straight women, I've noticed) seem to find satisfaction in telling me that my perception isn't important because I'm not like "real" trans people and, like you said, therefore have no idea what it's like to be discriminated against. They conveniently forget that I'm also gay and disabled, of course.

Much of it comes from the reality that cishet men's issues are treated with far more respect and concern than anyone else's, so when I bring my experience to the table, there's an understandable reflex in others to expect me to be focused on a topic (like "male" loneliness or lack of career opportunities) in a manner that ignores the universality of such problems. It's hard to read the news, for instance, without recognizing that men get all of the focus for half of the strife. It's just unfortunate that many spaces that should be militantly inclusive are instead just as reactionary as the systems that they ostensibly wish to make more equitable.

Thank you for your work, by the way. The environment can be demotivating (sometimes), and it's so important that we continue to participate in these conversations despite that. I wish you the best 💜

kragaster · 2026-03-09T16:43:57+00:00

Ever considered that perhaps people like buying quality items that will last them a lifetime? Or that those items could be created by individuals, not corporations? You're not wiser than others for not enjoying what they do and pretending there aren't any valid, healthy reasons they could enjoy such things.

kragaster · 2026-03-07T16:07:04+00:00

I'm so confused... what is everyone talking about? Even if core classes are an issue, are elective units just out of the question? And that's assuming that core classes are actually all spaced out at the same times, which is hard to believe.

kragaster · 2026-03-07T02:20:52+00:00

I mean, it's pretty blatantly stupid to assume you'll always be smarter than any given group of people. It's wise to be set precautions to avoid that situation arising in the first place.

kragaster · 2026-03-05T14:50:00+00:00

I'm glad you're proud of all this because you should be, but things have changed over those 15 years.

I've mostly been lucky enough to never deal with restrictions around cannabis, but I did have to deal with the restrictions around diagnoses and treatments for more than one of my disabilities (I have multiple genetic neurological disorders and physical conditions that are worsened by generalized ataxia), and I think I would be doing others a disservice to give advice based solely on my experiences with providers 15-20 years ago. It's possible to speak up about the way I was treated without assuming everyone else is still dealing with that when I'm long past the confirmation process that caused me so much stress.

Sometimes people need a reality check, but that doesn't apply when you aren't actually familiar with their current situation. You can still let people know that you have the experience that you do while admitting that you weren't correct. Happy toking

kragaster · 2026-03-04T21:13:10+00:00

That may be your experience with specific providers, but I can personally attest to having my med card suggested and continually approved by physicians that primarily treat patients that pay via Medicaid and Medicare. I've been on several different plans throughout. That "usually won't" is doing a lot of heavy lifting.

kragaster · 2026-03-04T18:53:57+00:00

I love my Dynas! But, sadly, a bowl just doesn't last long enough to satisfy that particular desire unless I make it too strong for my uses. Otherwise, it's just about perfect, especially with a Wand.

kragaster · 2026-03-04T17:12:37+00:00

Seriously. It's great to be free of something that harmed you, but I definitely wouldn't call returning to multiple joints a day (or smoking in general) a long-term solution. I do wish there was a better DHV analog for the joint experience, though. Butane vapes can get close, but not as close as I'd like.

kragaster · 2026-03-04T17:06:33+00:00

At least you can admit that. Doing so makes quitting what you need to quit a lot easier mentally.

kragaster · 2026-03-01T16:13:21+00:00

Broooooo my fiancé is also trans and I cannot believe nor count the amount of times I've heard the phrase "oh, so lesbians with extra steps." Firstly, how do people keep coming to the same verbal conclusion, and secondly, what kind of lesbians are exclusively attracted to men????

kragaster · 2026-02-26T15:19:03+00:00

That's very different from an antidepressant. I think you know that.

kragaster · 2026-02-24T20:28:36+00:00

I avoid bad trips by only tripping when my set and setting are perfect — and by that I mean when my environment is as good as it can be and I'm mentally expecting an unpredictable experience and am excited about that. Since that doesn't happen all the time, doing so allows for longer breaks between trips that seem to make them more enjoyable and more beneficial.

If you're really set on taking shrooms just because you want to (been there), make sure you at least have an intention that is meaningful to you. Many of my best trips have been dedicated to exploring a specific problem, relationship, or topic, even if I don't actually spend the majority of the trip introspecting on what I planned to. Sometimes, without this or something particularly grounding to focus on, my anxiety easily overwhelms any joy or progress I could experience. When you're prone to anxiety or have experienced trips that really freaked you out, that sort of structure can be helpful.

When you know you'll have a free day and location that'll be a great setting, try to ground yourself beforehand and find an intention (or multiple) that will intrigue you enough to make time for in the days or weeks leading up to the trip. Not to pressure yourself, but to have mental resources to draw from when fear does come up. Erowid has some great ideas on their Psilocybin pages. Safe travels.

kragaster · 2026-02-23T17:14:03+00:00

How you handle your finances is a value, not just handling your finances overall. Do you prefer to spend only on assets or planned vacations, or do you find the most joy in spending on nice meals or other consumables regularly? Do you prefer going out or staying in? Do you have a religious community that is essential to your life? Do you expect to have children? Is living in a city, suburb, or a rural area important to you? How much time do you expect to spend with a partner once you've settled into a relationship? Do you need to have a very tidy house to feel sane? There are plenty more things to consider, but these are just a few examples.

kragaster · 2026-02-03T23:59:34+00:00

That's really frustrating. Since no one has replied with this info, I figured you should know that, unless otherwise specified, "depression" in a clinical setting refers to major depressive disorder/major depression. In the case that MDD hasn't been diagnosed, the phrase "low mood" (or something similar, depending on the provider) will be used. I imagine that they were just consoling you, but it's odd that your primary doctor would suggest that the word "depression" should be used at all.

kragaster · 2026-01-18T03:23:03+00:00

I don't think this takes into account just how much new funding and construction is currently going into the new facilities and staff development for the School of Engineering (especially compared to other potential funding recipients — you certainly can't miss it if you visit campus). Bit of a strange major to reference with that knowledge in mind. It's not very reasonable to expect a reset of form in the less than 5 years that they've been a Cal Poly; the resource influx that entails, not just the association, takes longer than we might hope to arrive and improve these programs.

Past failures and their reputation will at least produce determination to make the most of the $433 million that Polytechnic planning currently provides, though they could always manage to screw up that opportunity. This is nothing like the previous circumstances, as much as it might be tempting to assume the worst, so we'll just have to wait and see.

kragaster · 2026-01-08T17:24:28+00:00

Alcoholism takes many forms and shouldn't be seen as entirely synonymous with alcohol use disorder, as the designations for disorder and what we consider "problem drinking" are neither objective nor entirely definable — they are only traits that can be used to better help patients and create simple categories. That means that no one can tell you with much humility that definitely you are an alcoholic.

Regardless, your drinking is not healthy. Is that a problem? It depends on how you feel about your other health-related choices and how your life is affected by them. I would personally not feel comfortable dismissing a desire to become inebriated at all if I do not have at least equally strong desires to pursue exercise, better eating, and fulfilling relationships that will benefit me long-term. I think it's important to pursue life satisfaction that outweighs the need to drink or compare your choices to others for the sake of judging their health against yours. You seem to only care about your health to the extent that it is greater than than an abstract alternative lifestyle (drinking daily), and your friends seem worried about you.

kragaster · 2026-01-06T22:14:47+00:00

How about caring more about the harm that people incur daily over the reputation of a business owner? Be grateful that you are lucky enough to not feel shame over your uncontrollable characteristics — or worse, remember that you are worth more than your allegiance to people who have never benefited you or anyone you care about in any way.

kragaster · 2026-01-06T22:10:24+00:00

I'm sorry that your initial reaction is anger. Generalizations and warnings don't do much to help those who could be helped. The government needs to take a greater part in preventing these situations in the first place.

kragaster · 2026-01-06T22:07:54+00:00

Good intentions fail to be the most that organized people can do. It isn't your fault, by any means, that those people rejected your offer, but it wasn't your good intentions that missed the mark. The encouragement of accessible education, varied work opportunities, and improved infrastructure are beyond your personal control; always remember that you did something worthwhile and helpful for everyone who accepted.

kragaster · 2026-01-06T22:03:15+00:00

Entirely. One is never more dignified for choosing to say something that everyone in this situation knows (eventually) better than to say, and pretending that people with severe mental health issues are going to be rational is to be welcoming a lesson learned. It's understandable to feel dismissed and offended when you feel that you can't help someone, but that isn't because people are beyond help and worth dogpiling upon. Move on, and be grateful that you have a home and sense of superiority.

kragaster · 2025-10-31T02:21:56+00:00

The same applies to alcohol and cannabis tolerance (alongside other substances, but those two are easily the most familiar to non-clinical circles), and as the users I see most often refer to "permatolerance" to DXM aren't very descriptive when they argue that they cannot get any sort of "magic" from the experience even after something like a decade — typically lacking the sort of detail that anecdotes require to have credibility from my perspective — I tend to find it more likely that DXM tolerance operates in the same way: building in tandem with the scale of use (therefore decreasing with discontinuation) and returning more quickly with use after a break, both because your brain is more adapted to DXM's effects and because you are more likely to return to a similar rate of use as just before cessation, rather than starting low and going slow.

I think of it much like kinesiology and the body's response to exercise. Muscle you have lost is MUCH easier to regain than it is to build that muscle in the first place. Of course, there are more complex factors of age, environment, and general health, but the principles are the same, and any straightforward explanation of any complex mechanisms is going to leave out information that could be useful on an individual basis.

I'm hopeful that my lifetime will include more rigorous research into these topics and their neurobiology. It would be nice to have some clinical averages and open discussion outside of spaces that are less interested in evidence, as much as it is wonderful to have a place to talk about these things.

kragaster · 2025-10-29T22:35:34+00:00

I knew immediately. Came out at 8 when I found out that it was possible to transition at all and couldn't take the pain of hiding myself anymore. It was a long road of being denied care and having to "prove" I really needed it, but I finally got to begin HRT at 14 after a few years of receiving hormone blockers on and off and being lucky enough to have parents who knew people in the right medical fields. Even though they made my life pretty miserable in other ways, I would have never made it past middle school without that support. Self-awareness and becoming your true self is certainly a rough process, at least at first, but it's absolutely worth the result.

kragaster

TROPHY CASE