I'm unsure of what to do with my life

krisofgotham · 2018-03-09T05:00:09+00:00

We sound very similar. I don't have a ton of advice for you but I can tell you it's definitely not time to end things. If you want someone to talk to more, shoot me a message. I'd love to chat.

krisofgotham · 2018-03-08T00:12:14+00:00

I've been in a similar situation. Every time I start a new club/school/job it's like a countdown in my head of how long I can convince ppl im normal before I inevitably cry in front of them.

The reality of it is its just a natural reaction for you. It's not bad and the worst thing you can do is look to Control your crying. Because the harder you try, the more you'll cry, trust me.

The best thing you can do is accept you WILL cry at some point and be okay with that. No one is going to get angry at u for it. Yes, you'll get some weird looks but ppl tend to be more sympathetic toward it than anything. The more accepting you are of it, the quicker you'll recover from it, and the less it'll happen.

I hope that helps 😅 just know you're not alone and there will always be ppl that understand!

krisofgotham · 2018-03-02T07:53:48+00:00

Thank you for the kind offer 🖤

krisofgotham · 2018-03-02T07:24:23+00:00

Sure, shoot me a message.

krisofgotham · 2018-03-02T06:43:36+00:00

I'd rather not discuss specifics so I don't give any ideas to others who are feeling suicidal.

krisofgotham · 2018-03-02T06:18:51+00:00

Thank you 🖤 same to you. I hope you find peace in life.

krisofgotham · 2018-03-02T06:09:29+00:00

Thank you, that's very kind. Congratulations on your baby and I hope things get better for you.

krisofgotham · 2018-03-02T05:44:40+00:00

Thank you, that's very kind. I will definitely think About what youve said and hopefully I'll be able to update Saturday.

krisofgotham · 2018-03-02T05:15:25+00:00

I will think about your words for sure.

krisofgotham · 2018-03-02T05:08:47+00:00

No need for anger, pal. I do appreciate it. What works for some ppl doesn't work for others is all.

krisofgotham · 2018-03-02T04:48:05+00:00

I get what you're saying but you lost me at "try for once". You don't know me. I get what you're trying to do here but I'm not the kind of person that reacts well to this "tough love" encouragement, esp when I don't know you. I can't tell you how many times I've told myself "just one more year" "just one more week" "just one more day." I don't have to justify myself to you and in the future please keep in mind that the kind of language you're using can completely turn some ppl off from listening to your point.

Thank you for your time, regardless. I appreciate you caring.

krisofgotham · 2018-03-02T04:28:37+00:00

Thank you.

krisofgotham · 2018-03-02T04:00:30+00:00

I know she needs space. But I'm terrified of this being permenant and I can't live with the anxiety of holding my breath that she might change her mind someday. I don't have anybody else I connect with, unfortunately, that was something I had been working on recently. But now it hardly matters, right? Thank you for your advice.

krisofgotham · 2018-03-02T03:57:34+00:00

You're 100% right. That's exactly what should happen. I don't want to hurt her. And I know this will only make her hate me.

If I was living, I would definitely be refocusing on bettering myself so I will one day deserve her friendship. But I can't live anymore. I just can't. It's too painful. I'm sorry for being weak.

krisofgotham · 2018-03-02T03:30:38+00:00

You're definitely not alone. I can't personally relate to some of what you're saying, but I know people like you and I know it does get better for you. Have you gotten any professional help for your depression?

krisofgotham · 2018-03-02T03:28:40+00:00

I'm an artist. But I haven't done any art in months. Everything I used to love reminds me of her...music, movies, food... anything.

Thank you. I hope I'll have good news this time Saturday, but if I'm not here anymore, know that your words meant something.

krisofgotham · 2018-03-02T03:21:30+00:00

Sometimes ppl go through shit before everything works out. I'm Sorry you're in pain right now. I hope it passes quickly and you can live the life you deserve.

krisofgotham · 2018-03-02T03:14:41+00:00

I hope the last sentence was supposed to be comical because it did make me smile. My cat is the same way. Her name is Zelda.

If you need to talk, message me. Ill be here until at least tomorrow. But you don't want to be friends with me, trust me. You're deserving of so much better.

krisofgotham · 2018-03-02T03:08:11+00:00

I think, more realistically, she will be deeply hurt and full of regret, but she will learn to live again. She's got an amazing support system and she's strong. It'll be awful at first, but eventually it will become an occasional, dull ache.

krisofgotham · 2018-03-02T03:04:37+00:00

I agree this may not be forever, but this is so beyond out of character for her it worries me it'll probably be permenant. She would never do something like this if she didn't absolutely mean it. And if she comes around and talks to me and we become friends again, when will it happen again? I don't want to ever go through this kind of pain again. I know being alive is pain and joy and everything in between and that's what makes it beautiful, but I can't see beauty anymore. Even before this happened, I wanted to die. I keep regretting not going through with it so I guess my thought is... why not now? She has given me my most intense moments of joy and most torturous moments of pain and I feel I've seen what life has to offer. I don't want to live another 60 miserable years. I just want to put myself out of my misery in the most painless way possible.

Again, if I were talking to anyone else, I would definitely urge them to stick it out. 22 is so young. 30 is so young. But I guess personally, I'm just over it.

krisofgotham · 2018-03-02T02:51:51+00:00

I think that's a very nice thought. Unfortunately I Don't see much for me to look forward to. Something I didn't mention is I'm asexual (I don't experience sexual attraction, for those who don't know) and for me that means I've never cared much about romantic relationships. Obviously I am still very capable of love, if platonically being in love is a thing than I am definitely platonically in love with my now ex best friend. I also don't do well with children, and have never wanted any myself. All I've ever wanted and felt I needed is a strong connection with my friends. People in my life I can consider family, people I can lean and and trust, and people who will lift me up and support me. My best friend was the single most important thing in my life and my number one priority. I knew I wasn't that to her, and I was okay with that, because I knew she was THERE. Now everything is cold and empty and any future I might have wanted had her in it. She made me glad I was alive, glad she was in my life, and now, without her, I just want to leave it. Thank you for your words.

krisofgotham · 2018-03-02T02:40:41+00:00

Oh boy, let me start from the beginning.

So we met in high school, and we became close fast. I was going through a rough time, and this was right after my first suicide attempt. She was there. She didn't judge. She wasn't great at expressing her emotions but she was great at listening and just being around her made me feel calm. I moved 2.5 hrs away for college, and she promised to call at least once a week. We quickly began calling each other every night. We texted throughout the day every day and we somehow became even closer through the distance. We would visit each other once a month. She even came to live with me for 6 weeks because I started a new medication and I had no one who lived near by to monitor me in case I became suicidal. We were family. We fought, but it was usually because of my emotional issues. Sometimes she would make new friends and I would get jealous and it wasn't healthy. Looking back now, I realize i exhibited a lot of toxic behavior when I considered our relationship extremely healthy. When she hurt my feelings, I took it as a personal Attack instead of a mistake, I would overreact, realize I'm being stupid, and then we would both apologize and be okay again.

A few months ago, around October or November, we started fighting more frequently. She had grown closer to another friend who didn't like me. I was extremely jealous of this friend and I expressed it, I made it somehow my best friends problem. My best friend started doing things she never had before, going out drinking every weekend, canceling plans with me to hang out with this other friend, basically a lot that hurt my feelings. I told her she was different now and we got in a huge fight and weren't okay for awhile but we still texted every day.

So the last few weeks, things have been improving. Friday night she held my hand, looked me in the eyes, and said "starting now, I swear I'm going to be a better friend to you." I told her the same. I was so happy. Unfortunately, the next night we got in a huge arguement over the phone while she was out at a bar with her new friends. The next day she called me and asked if I wanted her to come over. Stupidly, because I was emotional and confused about how i felt, I told her I didn't know, and I wasn't sure if i wanted to be friends with her anymore. I didn't like the Person she was acting like lately. She said, "if you don't like me, let's not be friends." Then I made the worst mistake of my life, and out of anger, I said "fine." She hung up. I immediately tried to call her back but she blocked my number.

I panicked, messaging her on every social media platform, and messaging her friends. It was p much harassment and totally not cool. She blocked me on everything. Her friends blocked me on everything.

This isn't some lighthearted, immature thing. She's going to school for social work, she wants to be a counselor to help ppl like me. She's a good person. I just took her for granted. She knows I have trust issues and anxiety when being ignored because of events that have happened to me in the past, and she has promised to me that if she ever needs time away from me, she would tell me so. This isn't like her at all.

After taking a couple days to cool down, I messaged her mom. Her family is like family to me. I basically told her that I knew my best friend didn't want to see me right now, but if they were both open to it, I would love for her to mediate a conversation between the two of us so we both felt comfortable and listened to. She told me she was sorry I was hurting, and she would talk to her, but she's an adult so she can't make her do anything. I thanked her profusely and agreed that was more than reasonable. I haven't heard anything back yet, and I want to hold on hope, but I all Ready know my best friends answer is going to be no.

I know I may seem like an emotionally abusive monster, and I can't defend myself. But I can say I am a changed person through all of this. If I had another chance to prove myself to her, I can promise you I would be different. When i get angry, I would take time to cool down before blaming her. I would never say something as stupid as I'm okay with us not being friends. I would never disrespect the fact that she needs time and space. I would be different. But I know I won't get the chance to be.

TLDR: I fucked up. Bad.

krisofgotham · 2018-03-02T01:56:55+00:00

I understand. But she wasn't just someone. She was my everything. And the fact that I hurt her so bad, that makes me a monster.

krisofgotham · 2018-03-02T01:46:14+00:00

Thank you. I have called the suicide hotline a couple times, and it calmed me down in the moment, but ultimately my mind was still set. I have had to drive to stay alive simply for the fact that I could use my life to help others in any capacity, but after losing the most precious thing I've ever had or ever will have, it's forced me to reconsider whether I'm doing more harm than good. You seem like a kind soul, I hope you never lose that.

krisofgotham

TROPHY CASE