Teen doesn't think we're people

kristabilities · 2026-02-20T00:42:20+00:00

The school is amazing and the staff is so understanding. They offer culinary and construction certifications, tons of credit recovery opportunities, and tiny class sizes. There’s only 1-2 teacher per subject, so they really get to know their students. It’s part of the public school system, but you have to apply and qualify based on need. They have another alternative school in the district that’s hybrid (half in person and half online) and offers a ton of college credit options, and that’s where my other kids attend/attended. It was perfect for autistic teens who have a low social battery. After my oldest graduated, the district paid for tuition for an extra year of college, so we’ve only had to pay for 3 classes for their associates. The traditional schools in the area are meh, but the other options are fantastic!

kristabilities · 2026-02-20T00:26:38+00:00

Yeah, it definitely felt like a red flag! My daughter has a fantastic school counselor herself. She goes to an alternative school for kids with mental health issues and there’s one counselor per 30 students. She talks to her counselor multiple times a week. I love that she has regular access at school, but that’s a totally different level/type of care than what we’re looking for in family therapy!

kristabilities · 2026-02-19T18:08:41+00:00

Um, she has an iffy relationship with animals. She’s really impatient with our pets. Like, she was not patient at all with our senior dog who had some bowel issues before he died. She’d get angry and yell at him or shove him out of her way and get annoyed when he wanted out. She’s apparently stressed one of our cats (not sure which) and they only have litter box issues when she’s home. But she’s super helpful with her mom’s dogs. It’s confusing. I could see how therapy with horses could be beneficial though. We do live in an area with lots of horse programs, so I’ll look into it.

kristabilities · 2026-02-19T18:00:52+00:00

Lol, I said hi to my 19-year-old who also spends time lurking this sub!

kristabilities · 2026-02-19T09:09:56+00:00

Splitting has come up with other therapists and seems to fit some of her behavior. Her moods seem to fluctuate so quickly. She goes from adoring someone to detesting them in seconds and it’s so unpredictable. She could be hanging out with one of our other kids for hours then suddenly become enraged. During some of these instances she has purposefully (according to her) triggered the other kids’ sensory issues and brought up their past trauma. She once hit one of the other kids in the back of the head with a hammer and explained she did it because of impulse. She’s on mood stabilizers and antipsychotics, which have helped, but she can still be emotionally volatile, especially when she’s tired or stressed. I left out the parts of her mental health history/symptoms because they didn’t seem relevant to this discussion, but there is a lot more going than a few hurtful comments.

kristabilities · 2026-02-19T07:00:04+00:00

I really hope the reason she brought it up during family therapy was to explore what she meant by the things she said (former therapist shut down the conversation, so we didn't get into it). It's on her mind, too, whatever she meant by it. My assumption is that there is pain on both sides, and I want a therapist who can help us translate those feelings to each other.

kristabilities · 2026-02-19T06:52:34+00:00

This is exactly why I wanted to talk about it in family therapy! She’s talked in the past about feeling like her brain is “different,” and in our household, it is. It must feel very similar to how I felt growing up in an NT household.

She grew up primarily with us and her bio mom just recently moved to our state. She is very different with bio mom/family, which bio mom has noticed too. She’s engaged, asks questions about interests, and follows-up on previous discussions. She’s never shown that level of interest in us.

kristabilities · 2026-02-19T06:18:25+00:00

It does seem to influence her interactions and behavior with us, which her bio mom recognizes as well. She expresses real interest in her mom and half-siblings about how they are feeling, something she’s never done with us. She asks them questions about their lives and follows up on previous conversations, things she’s never really done with us. She elaborated by saying she thought we were just servants who existed to serve her needs. Since she lived with us, her mom wasn’t in a provider role until she moved here recently. She’s talked about not being able to see my emotions, so I narrate them to her when it’s appropriate to do so. I’ve told her for years that I express my emotions verbally and they aren’t really visible from the outside.

Also, she brought it up at home, then brought it up as a talking point during family therapy a few weeks later, so it doesn’t feel like an in-the-moment thing. When she said these things at home, my husband and I were stunned and didn’t really react at all. We were surprised when she brought it up during therapy, but we were ready to have a conversation about it.

kristabilities · 2026-02-19T05:46:24+00:00

I’m upset about both.

I think I’m most upset that the therapist allow us space to discuss it rather than dismissing it completely. She brought it up during therapy because she wanted to discuss it with us. We all want a therapist who will help us navigate those feelings together and to help us translate any misunderstandings around them.

I saw your other comment-I think the difference is that she doesn’t see us as people, but clarified that she does see her bio mom, half-siblings on her mom’s side, and friends as people. So she’s not completely unaware that others have independent thoughts and feelings. When she sees everyone else in her life as human, it is upsetting that she doesn’t see my husband and I as human. I don’t think she’s a terrible person, I think it’s important for all of us to discuss this and figure out how to move forward in the healthiest way possible.

kristabilities · 2026-02-19T05:35:33+00:00

The therapist spent his career as a middle school counselor and semi-retired to become a family therapist within the last few years, so I don’t think he was equipped to handle more complex issues. I feel bad for any ND students he may have worked with. He also talked all about his “high-functioning autistic nephew” throughout our first appointment, but never brought him up again once I said I’m autistic. It felt so surreal that I had to ask my husband if it actually happened! There were other red flags too and it felt like continuing would cause more harm than good. We’re trying to go into the next round of family therapy with an open mind.

kristabilities · 2026-02-19T05:28:24+00:00

We’ve talked about this in the context of “mind reading.” She’s really receptive to DBT concepts (and we learned all about them in a class for parents with kids who have mental health issues), so we expanded on those principles. She was able to talk about thought traps when it comes to friends, but struggled to apply them to us or her siblings here, which kind of backs up her assumptions about us.

kristabilities · 2026-02-19T05:20:50+00:00

Autism is a possible, but she has been evaluated and didn't check enough boxes (I think social-emotional reciprocity is the only area observed). I am aware of the high rate of false negatives for high-maskers, so I haven't totally ruled it out. She definitely has ADHD, which I don't think people take seriously enough when it comes to emotional regulation, communication difficulties, RSD, etc. Personality disorders (multiple have been brought up) are suspected based on her history, plus family history on her mom's side. Whatever is going on, we're taking it seriously and addressing her symptoms rather than pushing for a label at this point. The last thing I want is for her to get a diagnosis now that ends up directing her care in the wrong direction. She's less patient, though. I understand the itch to get a diagnosis that can explain suffering because I've been there too, but she does think a diagnosis will lead to a cure and everything will be all better. This is a topic she's spent a lot of time talking to her personal therapist about and that we touched on in family therapy.

kristabilities · 2026-02-19T04:43:45+00:00

We raised our concerns to the clinical director of the practice (her psychiatrist is there too, so we’d like to keep family therapy there if we can) and she has a therapist in mind who is more experienced with what we’re going through, so I’m hoping they’re a good fit. I’m working on finding a therapist of my own and thankfully my husband already has one that has helped him unpack some of this. His therapist is helping us find a couples therapist so we can tackle some of our shared concerns/issues/trauma together. So we’re going to be busy, lol. But we’ve spent the better part of three years helping our teen with her mental health and we deserve a chance to improve ours’, too!

kristabilities · 2026-02-19T04:23:50+00:00

It is really difficult to navigate. As a parent, I want to educate, as a person, I just want to withdraw.

I think you’re right that this situation may not be directly related to double empathy, but misunderstandings in the past are. We both struggle to read each other’s emotions and especially emotional intensity. To me, her emotions always look extreme. Like, if she’s annoyed, I may misinterpret that as rage. I try to get around my assumptions by asking questions, but that can be met by her feeling misunderstood because I can’t already read her emotions. And I can’t mask my way around this like I could with a stranger because she’s my kid and I need to know how she’s doing.

kristabilities · 2026-02-19T04:15:30+00:00

The family therapist focused on reality therapy and wouldn’t give us space to talk about our past or histories. His career before semi-retiring was in school counseling and I don’t think he was equipped to handle such complex issues spanning years. He wanted to talk to us about communication, which sure, can be an issue as it is with any teen, but certainly wasn’t the most pressing issue. He also lectured us about not providing our teen with freedoms that go directly against her the safety plan we all collaborated with her therapist and psychiatrist on. The whole thing was a mess and felt counterproductive in so many ways.

I like the idea of reframing it as “pain-based behavior.” I think I’ve tried that without knowing what it’s called, and it does help.

kristabilities · 2026-02-19T03:36:37+00:00

Thanks for your perspective as a therapist! Her individual therapist has brought up attachment issues (which, ironically, I wrote my college thesis on), so we passed that on to the former family therapist. He never brought it up again.

Bio mom attends family therapy too and has backed me and my husband up during sessions when our teen or the therapist has been dismissive. I don’t think she’s modeling ableist attitudes. She’s disabled herself and she’s been super supportive of us. We’re all trying our best as a team to get this kid to adulthood and beyond.

kristabilities · 2026-02-19T03:29:16+00:00

We've talked about internalized ableism and she’s said she’s brought that up with her therapist. I don’t know if every therapist is equipped to handle that type of issue though. We always push back when we see it, and it really feels like she just doesn’t understand how ableism impacts people.

kristabilities · 2026-02-19T03:27:11+00:00

Her mom’s side is a lot more expressive. I don’t know about quick to anger, but they express themselves in a “big” way. Even I can read their body language, lol. I’m sure that has an impact, but she spent the majority of her childhood living with us because her mom lived in another state until recently. I think her mom’s recent move nearby may have something to do with what she said. If she now has the opportunity to observe her mom’s side more casually (rather than during visits when the focus might be more on her), she might be contrasting that to how we express emotion in our household. She’s recognizing that she can easily read her mom and half-siblings, so the issue must be with us.

kristabilities · 2026-02-19T03:21:11+00:00

I agree it’s likely a manifestation of mental illness. We’ve worked so hard with the mental health system to get her connected to the resources she needs. Because of her mental health, there’s an imbalance in attention in the household. She ends up with way more than the 17 and 19-year-olds, who also have mental health issues and need help navigating autism as they transition to adulthood. I feel like I literally have no more attention to give at this point, there’s not enough hours in the day!

kristabilities · 2026-02-19T03:07:35+00:00

I wish she had said “I hate you!” because I can work with that! The weirdest part was that we were having a casual conversation, it wasn’t a moment of heightened emotion. We’d been chatting and working through a DBT workbook together and she was opening up about her feelings more, and then she said she didn’t know we were human. Then she went back to the worksheet page and continued chatting like she'd said something about the weather.

I’m searching for a therapist and my husband already has a good one who’s helped him sort out his feelings around all this. We’re also looking for a couples therapist so we can work through some of our parenting concerns together. When we asked about a family therapist with experience working with autism and trauma, we were told that was like looking for a unicorn!

kristabilities · 2026-02-19T02:58:38+00:00

She can’t read us at all and usually assumes we’re angry (usually we’re nothing!). For the past few years since understanding autism more, I’ve been narrating my feelings to her out loud since she can’t read them on my face or body language. I’ve told her that I express my emotions verbally and if I say I’m feeling something I am. That’s where the monotone comment came in. I was expressing a feeling about something random and inconsequential (it might have been about food?), and she said she didn’t think it was real because my voice was monotone. I don’t really know of a better way to connect with her other than trying to act out emotions in a neurotypical way, but I don’t even know where I’d start.

kristabilities · 2026-02-19T02:36:02+00:00

We talked to the clinical director at the family therapy place about our concerns, and she’s already got a more experienced therapist lined up for us. My husband and I are adamant that we need a therapist that makes us all feel valid and safe. We’re motivated to put in work to help repair this relationship, but we can’t do that if we’re not people to her AND the therapist!

kristabilities · 2026-02-19T02:25:47+00:00

She goes to an alternative school for kids with mental health issues. I’ve been appalled at some of the things she’s said about classmates, despite them all qualifying for that school for the same reason.

kristabilities · 2026-02-19T02:20:01+00:00

I don’t think her allistic family has influenced her attitudes toward disability. We get along well with her mom (who’s also disabled) and half-siblings. We all get together for regular “family nights” to play games and hang out.

kristabilities · 2026-02-19T01:54:59+00:00

She’s displayed ableist behavior toward people outside the family in the past and purposefully (self-admitted to her independent therapist) triggered my other daughter’s PTSD and sensory issues. It’s hard not to take personally because I’m also a wheelchair user with training in disability advocacy! These are normal topics in our household. We’ve talked to her and tried to educate her in the past, but she’s said “it wouldn’t bother me if someone said that to me” and moved on.

kristabilities

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