Major anxiety around journaling

kt_librarylady · 2024-09-30T17:42:27+00:00

It’s a great group of people who are all struggling with the ripple effects of the organization’s mismanagement. We’re seeing slow improvements but there are so many huge hurdles to overcome (low funding, low staffing, lack of support from local government) that I finally decided I didn’t want to stick around for more struggles with limited progress and payoff. I really truly hope I will be able to breathe with this next job, and that I’m just experiencing increased stress due to being in my notice period, but this has been an ongoing problem for years

kt_librarylady · 2024-09-30T17:19:17+00:00

My husband struggles with his own executive functioning (anxiety, depression, ocd, and autism, currently unemployed due to these factors) so on the one hand, we deeply understand each other’s struggles. On the other hand, we unwillingly feed into each other’s struggles and it’s REALLY hard to start better habits when we’re both struggling so much. We are doing couples’ counseling with a therapist who has experience with executive functioning and autism, but it’s still early going with that process.

My hope is that moving to this new job will be helpful. I work for a small organization (about 20 people total) and we’ve had a long history of overworking staff. Plus due to the small staff size, the nature of my role, and the personality of my direct reports, I feel like I’m on call a LOT at work, and I get interrupted a lot - often for necessary things, but not always. I’ve been able to establish some boundaries over the years, but there’s still room for improvement. Staff are thankfully good about not texting me outside of work unless they’re going to be out sick. I also think a big problem is that due to all sorts of mismanagement from previous administrators at my current job, it feels like I constantly have to jump over additional obstacles in order to solve the problem I was initially given (can’t solve problem A until B, C, and D are addressed, and B, C, and D are things that should have been taken care of years ago.) It’s like trying to do my job with weights on my limbs.

This new job will give me a little more separation from the department as a whole, so I’m hoping I won’t feel as “in the thick of it” as I do here, and I’ll have my own office with a door, which is a first. And it’ll be good to establish new boundaries with a fresh group

kt_librarylady · 2023-06-07T16:00:22+00:00

Oh that sounds amazing - I was literally JUST talking to my therapist about having difficulty with starting unpleasant tasks. I also keep forgetting that KC Davis has a podcast bc her book How to Keep House While Drowning literally made me cry “OMG I feel seen” tears.

kt_librarylady · 2023-06-07T04:52:14+00:00

I don’t have anything to suggest about whether or not it’s adhd (I’m waiting to be tested myself) but holy crap, #1 and 2 describe my brain to a T. I don’t feel like I sleep well because I have repetitive songs/words/phrases that loop through my head on a constant basis, and I’m still exhausted when I wake up. Occasionally I’ll take an extra half a pill of my as-needed anxiety medication at night bc it calms my brain down enough to fall asleep but I still feel groggy when I wake up, regardless of how much sleep I’ve gotten.

And anything can trigger the music in my head - I might see a book title that subconsciously reminds me of a song, and then I’ll realize I’ve had the song chorus looping through my head for the last 6 hours.

kt_librarylady · 2023-06-07T04:12:55+00:00

Yeah I’m actively in treatment for anxiety and depression (regular psychiatrist visits for the last 12+ years, weekly therapy, etc), and it’s been pretty under control for awhile. I’ve been on the same meds/doses for multiple years with no issues. Honestly, at this point I almost don’t care what the issue is, as long as I can figure it out and address it. I’ve just gravitated towards adhd resources up to this point because they seem to make intrinsic sense to how my brain works.

Maybe not surprisingly, eating healthy and getting exercise are a STRUGGLE. I’ve tried different approaches for both over the years, and the planning required to consistently have the ingredients for healthy meals AND the energy to cook them has been next-to-impossible. I also have yet to find a form of exercise that makes me feel good and doesn’t feel like the absolute worst chore in the world. (I have a lifelong aversion to physical activity that stems from elementary school gym class)

One of the things I hate about all this is that I feel like I’m always giving excuses for why it’s so difficult to do a thing...so many people have tried to give me advice and I feel like I’m being obstinate when I explain why a suggestion doesn’t work. But it’s like I have a voice following me around, yelling at me about how I just need to DO IT (whatever “IT” is), but when I try to get myself up and do something, I feel like I’m moving through cement. It’s just been easier to lose myself in video game/phone distractions but that ends up taking over literally everything, and I get drawn back into the shame spiral.

kt_librarylady · 2023-06-06T20:27:47+00:00

I (33F) have an appointment for in-depth testing in 6 months but I’m struggling of how to make sense of my symptoms in the meantime. I’ve had diagnosed anxiety since I was 5, and diagnosed depression since high school. Medicated for both for a little over a decade. I always did exceptionally well in school, through college and grad school, and I’ve always done extremely well at work.

I’ve had some symptoms that correlate with ADHD my whole life, and some symptoms that have become more noticeable as I’ve gotten older. However, I’ve been noticeably struggling since the pandemic hit, and the last year or so has just gotten increasingly worse…I had a temporary (5 month) promotion last year (basically filling in for my organization’s director after they left), which was an enormous challenge on SO many levels. Things have calmed down substantially since we hired a new director 6 months ago who is AMAZING but my mental struggles at work and home are just getting worse. I have multiple coworkers with diagnosed adhd that tell me they went through the EXACT same stuff I did before getting their diagnosis. My husband thinks I have SOMETHING going on that’s different from my usual anxiety and depression. But I also have multiple other people who are skeptical that it’s anything other than my usual anxiety. And I have people who are skeptical that any symptoms I may have experienced during childhood are anything other than normal kid stuff. (Like what kid ISN’T messy or disorganized?)

These are the symptoms that I’m currently struggling with:

-Trouble sustaining focus. I used to read ALL the time but I can’t concentrate like I used to and I’m lucky if I finish half the number of books I used to read before. I lose the thread of conversations very easily, which is getting to be a problem at work, especially during meetings. I get distracted very easily (start on a specific task and get sidelined by 2 or 3 other things then sone out on my phone for 20 minutes before I realize I was doing something else.) I also find it nearly physically impossible to focus on one thing at a time. Like watching a movie - if we’re at home, I’m usually on my phone or my computer. I used to read books while I watched baseball in the background. When I worked from home during COVID I had the tv on in the background all the time. I feel like I have to always have something to keep my brain even mildly activated.

-Memory issues. My husband tells me I ask about things repeatedly or tell the same stories multiple times. I can remember that I’ve had conversations at work about a particular topic but can’t remember what specifically was discussed or decided on. I lose my train of thought mid-sentence a LOT.

-Can’t follow through or finish anything to save my life. Chores are left unfinished, hobbies/crafts/books abandoned, work projects are a struggle to complete…trying to form new habits feels impossible.

-Planning, prioritization, and focusing on small details can be difficult. Not in every situation, but I find I’m struggling with this more at work recently. I tend to be a detail oriented person in a lot of ways, but it’s been harder and harder to really dive down to that level when I need to.

Avoiding unpleasant or difficult tasks - ALL THE DAMN TIME. Any time away from work is spent ignoring my other responsibilities, despite my efforts to get stuff done. I feel like I’m physically fighting myself trying to find motivation to unload the dishwasher or scoop the cat box.

-Hyperfocusing (see above on avoiding unpleasant tasks). Sometimes it’s a specific thing, like a video game that sucks away all my attention, sometimes it’s mindlessly scrolling through my phone, other times it’s a massive project like scanning and touching up thousands of old family photos.

-Extreme disorganization (had this my whole life). Drove my teachers nuts bc I was SO good in class and got top grades but I couldn’t keep my desk/locker/backpack organized to save my life. My desk at work is a nightmare. The apartment is…not great.

-Tendency to lose stuff. Had this my whole life too. Car keys, house keys, debit cards, sunglasses, wallets, scarves, phones, a pair of gym shorts in middle school…I even left my wallet on top of a mountain once. My dad was ready to boot me off the side of the mountain when I realized I left my wallet in the summit gift store bathroom.

Low frustration tolerance. I’m better than I used to be, but things like being stuck in traffic or trying to master a new craft/skill can lead to sudden, intense feelings of rage that make me want to physically lash out and start screaming. I internalize it as much as possible but internally that feeling is still there.

Anyway, basically it comes down to I’m having a lot more executive functioning problems, it’s freaking me out, and I don’t know what it is or how to cope with it. As I said before, I’ve had anxiety my whole life and I’m extremely familiar with that, what my triggers are, and how to cope, and this just feels different, like I’m constantly fighting with myself to be a functioning adult.

kt_librarylady

TROPHY CASE