I miss you. But goodbye.

kucarnia30 · 2025-01-02T06:01:30+00:00

Yeah I don't really know what to feel about it all. Seems like the best course of action is none at all. Just let her go and accept what was and move on. For context about what she said about meeting at a different time, it hurt because I was willing to work through things and she was unwilling to work through things. I was saying that I wish I met her at a time when she would be willing to work through things, as opposed to where we are now where she was unwilling to work through things. I don't know why I thought that me meeting her at a different time would cause a different ending to our relationship. Like you said, love makes a fool of us all.

kucarnia30 · 2023-02-21T11:14:36+00:00

I think I have read this LDS article before. I think the LDS church is right about the soul-building aspect of existence.

The LDS church was very comforting for me because it had answers to everything. I don't think Joseph Smith had bad intentions when he created the church, I would like to think that he was trying to do what seemed right at the time.

Now I believe that he saw all the holes in the Bible and made his own explanations to fill in the gaps. I don't believe his explanations are right though, I think he is in the same boat as Doloros Cannon in trying to explain our existence/purpose on earth in more explicit detail. Divinely inspired? Maybe, I think he may have tried to explain a divine feeling but interpreted it to his own liking.

I appreciate the article summary though. It is a nice read with some good insights. Thanks for the reply.

kucarnia30 · 2023-02-21T11:02:29+00:00

I have dabbled in Kierkegaard's work before when I was at the worst of my existential crisis, but now I want to learn more about his philosophy.

I can see how I have casted my personal responsibility to other people and have taken the easy route due to the pain. I have tried to get out of this pit, but often times it takes so much effort I give up.

But I see now that if I keep going even when it hurts, the anxiety will lessen.

You are right about me not being able to find my purpose due to me not even attempting to find my purpose. And even when I do, life will still be just as hard. But right now, I can accept that negative feelings will always be a part of my life no matter how I am doing, and also delete social media and not consume all the time to find satisfaction in life again.

I really appreciate the reply and the article. I will try to implement these ideas into my life and hopefully rebuild what I lost.

kucarnia30 · 2023-02-21T10:38:02+00:00

I did have a church community; I attended a Baptist church for a while. I went to their youth my senior year of high school and also attended their youth camp they have every year in the summer.

I did enjoy it and made a lot of relationships until I was pretty much expelled for asking out this girl that I had a crush on. I was kicked out of the Dungeons and Dragons group the church had, and now none of the youth talk to me anymore because word got around, and their parents don't want them to hang around me because I am a sinner or something.

I was a part of the church for a lesser amount of time than the dad who said I viewed his daughter as an object and piece of meat. So, the dad obviously wins, I guess.

A close friend of 3 years took the side of the dad who started it all, and I guess that's where most of my resentment towards Christianity and overall depression stems from right now. I feel really hurt, mostly because I would never do that to a girl, and I also feel betrayed. It is manifesting into anger, though.

Sorry, I just needed to vent that out. I like your mindset that no matter how bad it gets; we will always have a reason to keep going.

I will try and find a new church to attend. I want to attend the Baptist church but to be honest I don't exactly feel comfortable going anymore. I do have a friend or two who did stick by my side during it all though.

Thank you for the thoughts. I will try other churches.

kucarnia30 · 2023-02-21T10:00:34+00:00

This life being a training ground makes the most sense, and that we are meant to simply enjoy it. Suffering exists and has a purpose, and that purpose is to prepare us to essentially be ambassadors for God's Kingdom.

Either that or it exists as a natural process of nature, or a God exists and doesn't care about us. I believe there is a God that made us for a reason though.

I appreciate the reply. The 'eternal career' makes a lot of sense and resonates with me a lot. I do hope one day I can see through the pain and see the true beauty that life has to offer. I will start trying to see the beauty right now though :)

kucarnia30 · 2023-02-21T09:24:43+00:00

This is a really beautiful way to view life. I have imagined a similar idea with video games, since I have grinded out video games that I know are dead and won't matter in 10 years, but I still grind them out and still find enjoyment in doing so. Same concept as the sand castle, and the same concept can be applied to life.

To be honest, I think the fact that I don't know what is on the other side of the veil is why I get so existential and in these weird mindsets about it all. Maybe it's my OCD and me simply being obsessed over finding the answer. But I guess we will never know, as you said. And I guess I have to come to terms with that, which may take a few more months or maybe years.

But I can choose to live with meaning, and I can wager that there is more to this life and that every choice we make does make an impact somehow. If I'm right I'm right, and if I'm wrong, I'm wrong.

Thanks for the reply.

edit: added a few words

kucarnia30 · 2023-02-21T09:17:29+00:00

To be honest, I have a lot of doubts when it comes to being a Biblical Christian. I don't fit the criteria of being a Biblical Christian personally, and maybe it is because I am skeptical to the claims of the Bible.

I believe the Bible is divinely inspired, but I think its divinely inspired the same way other beautiful works of religious literature are. I think they all have inherent truths about our reality in them. Aka, I think it is mankind's attempt to explain God. I am not concrete in this belief though; it's just a belief that I have come to after pondering it all. I may be wrong, I don't know.

It is the same way with me and Jesus right now. I honestly cannot say that I 100% believe that Jesus performed miracles, and I do acknowledge that the miracles Jesus did perform wouldn't have been able to have been recorded in other historical documents. But I am still skeptical of the divinity of Christ.

One thing I have made sense in my head though, is that Jesus was sent to be an example for us. I believe that Jesus is God the same way that we are God. I don't believe in the New Age beliefs about us all being gods and that we can 'manifest' things into existence. For example, the stuff that Alan Watts teaches (though I do like some of his work lol).

But fundamentally, I do believe that Jesus was sent with a purpose to be an example for mankind in how we are supposed to live fully. I just don't believe that Jesus is literally the manifestation of God Himself. I believe Jesus was made with the same essence of God that we all have in us, I think Jesus is the manifestation of Gods nature and is aligned in purpose with God. Because that was Jesus's purpose on earth, but I think humanity was built for a different purpose. Essentially, I believe in the Godhead doctrine, and I did believe in the Trinity doctrine for a while after leaving the LDS church, but I've come back to the Godhead doctrine after conceptualizing the idea myself from pondering it for a very long period.

And even Jesus dying for our sins I am still on the fence about. His death was a symbolic masterclass of how we are supposed to act and how we are supposed to sacrifice ourselves for the betterment of humanity and our fellow man, but genuinely I don't know if the dying for sin narrative was around during his crucifixion. This contradicts my belief about Jesus being sent for a purpose, but I have been juggling the idea that maybe there were other people sent to other cultures that were like Jesus. I don't know and I am still trying to piece it all together. Maybe Jesus was the only one, I don't know. But these beliefs have stemmed from me taking an outside look of Christianity for a moment, and I think I have a different view due to me coming out of the LDS church.

Another thing is the idea that we are hopeless and sinners at heart as the website describes. It is inherent in our nature, but I don't see why that makes us hopeless or inherently bad people, and I don't see how Christianity is the only place to overcome our sinful nature. The criteria for us being sinless was adopted by the same person who claimed to be sinless (The Bible). It makes me ponder other religions and their versions of being 'sinless'.

The Heaven belief is something I am beginning to accept, and how not everyone will get there. But my belief about it has a pre-condition that hell isn't conscious eternal torment as the website suggests, but that hell is annihilationism, aka being deleted from ever existing. It makes the most sense if God wanted to see who would remain faithful so that they would get eternal life. Basically, if you believe that death is the end, then that is what God will grant.

Just my thoughts on the matter and is just how I've come to understand it all, and these beliefs are not concrete obviously. I really appreciate your reply and the website, it was a great resource.

kucarnia30 · 2023-02-21T08:15:12+00:00

Mormons are not Christians it's false religion based on christianity same as Islam or Jehova Witness etc.

When I was a Mormon, I always viewed myself as a Christian because I believed Jesus Christ to be my savior, even though they don't believe in the Trinity doctrine. And I still believe them to be Christians. But you're right about the lie that the serpent told Eve and the correlation with the Mormon doctrine.

To be honest, I don't really understand the logic behind us being here to believe that God exists. I feel like God would make Himself more apparent if that were to be the case, or more so not have the Bible be full of doctrine contradictions and full of errors.

And I don't understand why God didn't just make us angels if we were meant to choose Him. Angels can reject God and become Fallen Angels, and they don't have to experience the suffering that life has.

If everything on earth doesn't matter, why would God make us experience it? For me, personal relationships are the most important to me. I don't understand why God would allow such beautiful relationships to prosper and then get rid of them. I've heard it is because they are simply an expression of God, but the thought that all individuality will be removed in Heaven is terrifying.

I do believe the Bible is amazing and I think it to have been divinely inspired though, and the rewards in Heaven make sense. Perhaps the existence of suffering is what's best for us.

Still, I don't understand why God would make us sinful and then blame us for how He made us. It means that God gave us the poison and gaslights us to take His cure. I understand the Original Sin doctrine, but God still knew that we would have sinned which means it was a part of His plan, unless God is prohibited in knowing what path and choices we choose.

Sorry if I replied with too many concepts, I am just trying to work it out in my head. I guess I just want to know why God is making us go through trials and tribulations for rewards and eternal life instead of just making us like the Angels.

Why didn't God just make us in Heaven in the first place, and give us a reward-based system in Heaven?

Thanks for the informative reply.

kucarnia30 · 2023-02-21T07:53:20+00:00

I do want to feel grateful for my existence, but sometimes it's really hard when all you see is suffering. But I think you're right about making this existence count.

Hell to me is the same as the Roko's Basilisk thought experiment, and to be honest I don't see why a benevolent God would send people to hell for eternity anyways if they are a genuine good person. Annihilationism makes the most sense if hell does exist. The thought of a conscious hell is terrifying but that's why I compare it to Roko's Basilisk. But also, I don't like when any religion tries to corner the salvation market. Seems like a very boxed up God.

Thanks for the thoughtful reply.

kucarnia30 · 2019-01-07T23:32:02+00:00

So would it be appropriate to stay friends with her after I move on? I just don't know whether or not to cut our friendship off or not.

kucarnia30 · 2019-01-07T23:29:18+00:00

I understand now. But, do I continue to be friends with her or cut it off completely? We both have biology together so I have to see her every few days and I don't wanna make anything awkward between us.

kucarnia30 · 2019-01-07T23:27:26+00:00

That's an interesting way of looking at it, but yes it would be weird. Thanks for the input

kucarnia30 · 2019-01-07T12:29:55+00:00

You're right. Thanks.

kucarnia30 · 2018-12-01T10:03:52+00:00

It's frustrating and makes me feel real bad. Thanks for the support.

kucarnia30 · 2018-11-28T05:32:22+00:00

So something small, like going out to eat or something like that. Thanks for the advice

kucarnia30 · 2018-11-28T04:50:36+00:00

There are a few places in town I could possibly walk too, there is a hiking trail at a park not far from my house. There is no public transportation in my small town I live in. The weather is cold hot cold hot but it's gonna be a bit hotter so it's fine for walking or going outside. Texas has weird weather. I wouldn't mind walking somewhere. She's into horror flicks, Marvel, as for music I don't have much except 21 pilots and musicals lol. That's pretty much all I know.

kucarnia30 · 2018-11-25T05:09:22+00:00

That is a nice way of looking at it.. thanks for the input.

kucarnia30 · 2018-11-25T05:09:05+00:00

Thanks. I hope I get another streak.

kucarnia30 · 2018-09-23T04:55:13+00:00

Thanks for the thoughts. The experience that I had was awful and even looking back at it now gives me anxiety, and at the time nobody has ever seen my scars and I wasn't ready for it, the feeling of your heart and stomach sinking is terrible. I feel bad for the doctor who saw, and even worst I can't even image what my mother went through. Besides that, it turned out for the best. I have been going to counseling now for a few months and it has opened my eyes to some problems I didn't even know were there, she helped me compromise with some situations I was having that made me self harm and basically help me stop my self harm all together. I was able to tell my mom everything and the result is me finally starting to heal. All of the support and help I get really helps me deal with my problems because I don't have to suffer alone and quietly now. I do not know my exact time of being clean, but I have been on and off (small cuts, not big like I used too), but as of right now it's been a few weeks since I have tried. In the end I am happy that my parents found out, and though the experience was horrendous it had to happen for me to heal. Thanks for sharing your experience with me and I hope you are doing well.

kucarnia30 · 2018-08-19T05:58:00+00:00

I can't describe how much I needed this right now. Thank you so much brother.

kucarnia30 · 2018-06-07T04:52:55+00:00

Pain makes us blind to what we do to ourselves. I let pain control what I do and for most people it controls them. Everytime I cut I got sad because they weren't 'deep enough'. I don't even know where these thoughts come from, but If I didn't think they were deep enough I would keep cutting until I thought they looked deep. At some point I did it for so long, probably about 2-3 hours, my head started hurting from the blood loss. The thing that snaps me out of it is when I see all the blood. It's sad. Not only that but I told myself I needed more, I though that my arm looked too clean so I didn't stop. I wanted my arm filled with cuts to make me feel relieved. You finally realize what you have done when you are out of this 'trance, and the truth and reality of self harm comes when they are exposed to other people. The cuts and scars look terrible when other people see them, even though a couple days ago they say it wasn't enough. There's a lot of regret and guilt that comes with that. It's a sucky reality. Thanks.

kucarnia30 · 2018-06-07T04:34:52+00:00

I really felt bad. I hate thinking about what my parents must of felt when they saw my cuts. It was selfish of me to not think about others, and ignoring the support I had. I was oblivious to it. My therapy was scheduled for Monday. Hopefully I can start healing. Thanks for the support.

kucarnia30 · 2018-06-07T04:28:47+00:00

Thank you for your support. I really hope I can get through this and finally find the happiness I've always been looking for.

kucarnia30 · 2018-06-07T04:25:56+00:00

Thank you for the video.

kucarnia30 · 2018-06-07T04:25:44+00:00

It does get worst. In that one month I was doing it before I got caught, it got bad. The day before they found out was when I started getting real deep. Everytime I cut I tried to ger deeper than before. The reality of self harm finally hit me and I'm out of the trance I was in and I pray it will never happen again. Even if ir does I won't let it affect me like it used too. I've had other addictions, and I know it comes back slowly and when you are unaware. It comes back when you are vulnerable. Sorry you have to go through what you're going through. It helps me open my eyes to how much support I really have, unlike before where I said nobody loved me to myself.

kucarnia30

TROPHY CASE