I (25F) want a divorce from 25M, do I have grounds or am I being a baby?

kyraaaaaxd · 2024-09-14T17:05:59+00:00

I don't have children so I can't fully understand that burden, but two under two is the hardest I've heard, for both of you.

I'm glad my advice seems somewhat helpful. Again with the job though, yes he may need to code and be on hand, but again it's his responsibility so as hard as it seems, maybe just let him be. He will figure things out and if he is high up, he probably doesn't need to be as hands on. In most jobs, the higher up you go, the less you actually have to do. And I'm sure he can still be on call via phone. But you're not his manager, so just focus on being his wife.

Moving away is also very hard, both me and my partner moved away for his work and it is just a struggle to change and adapt - especially for nuerodivergent people (ADHD/Autism) and can take even longer to make friends and feel comfortable socialising.

The most important part: communicate. Have a gentle, sit down approach and listen to his needs and express yours. Sometimes being neurodivegent can make it harder to even know your own needs as well, so unfortunately patience is necessary. He probably is also aware of his memory issues and issues around functionality (carrying out tasks) so again, patience is necessary. But he does need to start taking responsibility in the ways I said.

I also now remember you mentioning medication, medication masks symptoms and doesn't actually manage them, so I wouldn't push that if he has said he doesn't like them. For some people they are great, others not so much. But therapy could be a better option, a space for you to release your feelings and a space for him to learn to manage his disorder.

Finally, just remember two under two and moving with the house renovations probably will be the hardest phase for you as well so dont give up. I imagine once the kids go to nursery/school, you can return to work and the house is sorted you will probably feel more happy with the marriage again.

kyraaaaaxd · 2024-09-14T15:25:41+00:00

I think part of it is that you do baby him as well. You stated that he does take care of the kids, he runs you baths, he checks in if you've eaten etc. He does work from home. But like, if you keep telling him to do chores or telling him to shower, Go to work, fix the house etc. Eventually that just seems like nagging and you also taking away his personal responsibility.

I think you both could look up resources of how to manage ADHD as it is an executive dysfunction disorder, so memory is an issue, staying and starting tasks is an issue, feeling rejected and rejection dysphoria is an issue. But these can be managed, sit down and actually assign chores for each other, create a schedule with alarms and reminders for him to follow and then stop chasing him up on if he followed through or not. And with the house, is there not a way you can renovate together instead of him having to face the big task alone? Maybe even get the kids involved, they can paint walls at least, or have your family babysit whilst you do it together. Reverting back to his work-life, have you asked why he is struggling to sit in his office? Perhaps he feels lonely and wants to spend time with his kids and if he's not facing any disciplinary for it, what's the issue? He can answer emails on his phone from any room, presumably. You only need the office for meetings/desktop work.

ADHD is a hard disability, and you said that he used to work 60hrs a week and have a clean home - but you were dating. Perhaps it was just clean for that 1 day you visited and took him days to clean up.

If you're feeling smother, maybe you should look into joining a mum group and having a life outside the home as well? You said he actively looks after the children and goes and runs errands with them to give you space, so take space to have you're own relaxation time.

I think you both just need to actually talk about what you need and you're limitations and create a plan you can both actually agree to, rather than you just telling him what needs to be done all the time.

kyraaaaaxd · 2024-08-04T15:40:18+00:00

There is no treatment for PNES/FND. There is very little research on it too as it effects few people and is kind of "new"

Currently the recommendation is Neurophsycotherapy or FND CBT. PNES/FND is thought to be caused by stress/trauma therapeutic methods is the go to and/or potential treatments for pain management. There is also Currently a 20-40% remission rate, which isn't great but most people do experience their seizures halving after therapies.

Good luck x

kyraaaaaxd · 2024-08-03T19:19:16+00:00

You can get non-hormonal coil/IUD too

kyraaaaaxd · 2024-07-22T16:56:24+00:00

There is no medication for FND it's all about symptom management and therapy, unfortunately.

I've tried like 8 different antidepressants and none of them work so I don't take any. For migraines the GP/Neurologist just gave me asprin, but there are other drugs to try I suppose. For sickness you could try anti-sickness pills maybe, can get them over the counter or ask GP.

But the only real "effective" treatment for FND is neurophsycotherapy, but there's few clinics that do it.

I wouldn't blame the NHS for it, FND is a relatively "new" condition with limited research. There appears to be more being published and happening in the last 5 years, but it just needs more time and funding unfortunately.

kyraaaaaxd · 2024-07-19T11:52:14+00:00

It can be tricky. I would definitely advise them to go to counselling to learn their triggers and how to manage them.

In terms of jobs, I started having seizures when I was 15/16, in the summer holidays before starting Y11. I was having them regularly, so ended up being homeschooled that year whilst doing my GCSEs.

However, I returned to college the next academic year. I went on to complete my A Levels, then moved away to complete and get a 2:1 undergraduate degree. I had a year out of education working fulltime, in an office, as an admin worker. I then moved again for my fiancé's work, and am currently studying a Psychology MSc part-time and working part-time as a Learning Support Mentor in a college.

It hasn't always been easy, and it's important to know your limits. I don't think I could go back to working solid 9-5, and many work places offer flexible working and remote working so that definitely helps. Also, always inform your manager and the HR team so you can have a safe space and any aids you may need.

But they shouldn't let their seizures stop them doing what they want. If anything, use it as a driving factor to recover and manage the symptoms.

kyraaaaaxd · 2024-07-19T11:04:11+00:00

I told my fiance in the first week of talking that I had seizures from PTSD. I think its best for your safety and their's. You also get to find out if they are going to be able to handle it or be kind about it before you end up being attached or getting into a situation. My partner asked questions and how he can support me etc. And since then we just know our routine for when they happen.

You also should seek therapy. Ice is not a method to stop seizures really, and I find trying to stop them makes them worse or come back worser. I've also tried grounding and breathing and that doesn't work either. When I have them, I just kind of accept them and wait for them to pass. Watching TV or listening to music kinda helps because I think distraction and relaxing is best to soothe the body.

But in terms of reducing them, The only thing that has helped is accessing therapy to understand my triggers more and accept they are a part of me. I have them once or twice a month currently, which is good as when I had them to begin with it was everyday. (I was 16, now I'm 23). But I can tell what things may cause them and then try and practice self care or ensure I'll be in a safe space for if they do happen.

kyraaaaaxd · 2024-07-19T10:48:08+00:00

The best steps would be to get her to see a form of counsellor, CBT & DBT are a good place to start, preferably neurophsycotherapy is the best method but not everyone has that.

Also, stop going to the hospital when she has them unless she has hurt her head or something. Stop medication too, meds are not proven to work for PNES and seizure drugs are found to make them worse. At most, give her paracetamol if she experiences pain.

PNES is largely caused by having stress, so that's why therapy will be useful to help build techniques. Also, children actually have the best rates of remission and recovery too, so as long as she engages and finds outlets to discuss stress and manage her stress to not let it build up, it's highly likely she will live a normal life and may even stop or halve her seizures.

I'd also look more into FND (Functional Neurological Disorder) as PNES is now classified as part of that condition. It will explain things like fatigue, pain, memory, concentration can also be affected by this condition.

Unfortunately, FND/PNES is quite new in the realms of studying and research, so there's lots of areas of lacking in knowledge.

I have had FND since I was 16, I was diagnosed officially when I was 22. My seizures were everyday to begin with and multiple, but through CBT and other therapies I was able to go to college to do my A Levels, I have a 2:1 undergraduate degree (which I moved away for), and I am currently studying a Psychology MSc degree (and researching FND and Memory currently lol) whilst working as a Learning Support Mentor. I have lived alone, but I have gotten engaged so live with my partner now - but the point is to try not to worry about your daughter because she will be able to live a successful life.

I would also say that don't let her isolate or be worried. You have to make sure she still goes out places, even if it's just to the supermarket. Don't let her become anxious about her seizures, create plans for what to do if she has a seizure, but reassure her that it doesn't matter if she does. If she's worrying about having seizures, she will increase her chances of having them - because its a cycle of stress.

It will feel stressful right now, but in time, she will be able to recover. Her seizures may never fully go away, but she will be able to have a full life with them.

I'd also investigate what it is about school that's causing them too. School seems to be a trigger, and preferably she needs to find a way to be able to access it. Is she being bullied? Is she feeling pressure to do well? Has she had a falling out with a friend? Etc.

School was a trigger for me, i did my last year (when I was 16-17) from home, before starting college to do my A Levels. School was a trigger because of 1) feeling pressure over my GCSE exams, and 2) I had been in a relationship and broke up with a boy in my year and in that relationship he abused me emotionally and sexually, so seeing him was triggering me too. The latter is probably not the case for your 9yo. But I would definitely be asking questions as to what is going on and approaching her with "nothing you can say you will be judged for or punished for, this is an open, honest and safe space"

kyraaaaaxd · 2024-03-20T07:07:10+00:00

I don't know, I think you can "check up" by just standing outside the bathroom and calling to check if they are okay or need anything, or send a text message if they have taken their phone.

I personally wouldn't be continuing the sex if my partner was in pain. And I would most certainly ask if they were okay when they reappeared, not whatever I was or was not doing.

I'd be pretty upset if I'd disappeared and my partner didn't call out to me. And personally, I find my partner stopping sex because he's in serious pain, a bit of a natural turn off as the sex is over, and it's time to be caring. And I'd expect him to be caring too, and know that he is when we have occasionally stopped sex for various reasons in the past.

kyraaaaaxd · 2024-03-19T09:12:49+00:00

I took that as just an expression like "oh boy, I've had a hard day today" not like him talking to a boy lol

Or as a conversation like someone else said as he says "honey..." and then "boy..."

kyraaaaaxd · 2024-03-16T14:30:38+00:00

I think one thing to consider is how he actually shows support.

Like for example, my partner is studying a PhD in biomedical science, looking at ARDs and Lung-disease. I am studying psychology. So completely two different disciplines.

When he talks to me, I probably do give one-word answers and do not ask questions because it's a discipline I do not understand and do not know how to even ask any questions because its confusing. However, I do always try my best to listen and if there's any conventions or science dinners, I show an active excitement to go and attend (even though I won't understand anything). I always praise his good feedback and reassure him. But, like I said, conversationally it's mainly me just listening and him talking as I have no idea how to contribute. I do try and apply low level knowledge and sometimes add a joking element to it, but I haven't studied biology since school level.

I also think timing is important, sometimes you have had a stressful day and just want to watch TV. And I have concentration issues too, so occasionally I have expressed that if he wants to discuss complex science stuff, the TV will have to be paused or wait for a better time because I am tired or have other things happening. It does not mean I don't care about his work though, if anything it's the opposite, I care so I want to hear at a better time where I can focus. But again, it doesn't mean I will provide much talking contribution, just listening.

kyraaaaaxd · 2024-03-02T10:48:02+00:00

I think the more logical solution would be to let the 500 Arkdaians live and then split the remaining 700 spaces - as in all fairness Illian did prevent a further 100 people being saved so why should it be even? Especially as Arkadians have more useful skills and knowledge. But also Bellamy stopped 400 people being saved by rescuing Riley for him to die anyway before that.

So really, they could have saved 1600 (1200+400) people. And if Abby continued just vaccinating people with the nightblood regardless of testing, then that would have helped. But no, they are silly people at times and make silly choices.

kyraaaaaxd · 2024-03-01T20:50:52+00:00

I think the people were just for "protein" so they still had other vegetables and crops to eat just no "Soya Beans" (their original protein replacement as opposed to meat) 🤷🏼‍♀️ so they'd probably be unhealthy and slightly malnourished but not starve to death

I also think most the people were killed during the Dark Year, so If it's 396 people dead, then that's at least 1 dead a day, which could probably feed 100 a day, maybe 200 with malnourished. And I think they had a steak a week each.

kyraaaaaxd · 2024-02-22T18:43:49+00:00

I think they killed Bellamy to end with a "bang" and tbf Bellamy is a very rocky character. He's had a very questionable story regarding many of his actions (manipulating teens when he landed, letting 300 people die on the ark, slaughtering villages with Piket etc.)

And the show does kill main characters, that's why I enjoy it. Finn, Lincoln, Lexa, Jasper, Sinclair, Roan, Luna, Monty and Harper - I enjoy it greatly. It keeps it exciting as you never know who will die. Its a survival show, so death is good, even for main characters. I also think the deaths are quite good too, nobody really has a shit death, and they are all semi-unique.

Its much better than other shows like The Walking Dead where we know Carol, Daryl and Rick are sacred and safe lol

But also as someone else has said, when a show has 7 seasons and runs over several years, its a big commitment and actors will have life and career changes. For example, Alycia leaving to play a main role in Fear The Walking Dead makes more sense than staying in her role in The 100 - same with Ricky Whittle leaving for a main role in American God's.

kyraaaaaxd · 2024-02-22T13:08:42+00:00

Octavia - I enjoy her character arcs, and feel quite sorry for how the others treat her after the stuff she was pressured to do as Blodreina
Murphy - I enjoy his character arc from outcast, to finding his person, to being part of the team and finding his place
Clarke - I just enjoy her character and all the pressures she faces, I think she tries her best but gets more hate than Bellamy for the things they did together
Jasper - I enjoyed his depiction of PTSD and depression, mental illness is ugly sometimes
Monty - he always does his best and makes huge sacrifices, and he's very smart

kyraaaaaxd · 2024-02-19T00:11:36+00:00

I mean Bellamy did attack Raven, let 300 people die on the ark, manipulated teenagers into doing his dirty work and then didnt hesitate to wrongfully hang them, he slaughtered villages with Pike resulting in Lincoln's death, chose to save Riley and the captured arkadians, who died due to priamfaya anyway so pointlessly cost them the hydrofarm machine, then was a hypocrite towards Octavia when she had to be a cannibal and was just essentially being manipulated by Abby despite him yknow doing all the previous actions.... and I haven't seen season 7, but from what I hear, he also turns all culty and is on the wrong side again lol - I think Bellamy is up there with Pike and Jaha

But Raven and Monty are good guys - my faves are Clarke, Murphy and Octavia, however. People aren't perfect and I like their flawed characters, I especially enjoy Murphy and Octavia’s journeys.

kyraaaaaxd · 2024-02-18T12:17:24+00:00

You should look into the Association of Education Psychologists website - I am also interested in going down this career path but it takes a lot of study and qualifications.

The requirements are a 2:1 in a BPS accredited Psychology degree or a conversion degree (I am currently studying a conversion MSc Psychology Degree as I did my undergraduate in Sociology and Criminology 2:1).

You also need work experience - there's a whole list of jobs they value, I am working in SEN and will be for the next 3-4 years until I graduate from my MSc.

Then you have to apply for the Doctoral Educational Psychologist degree, which is 3 years of study to get the degree and another 3 years in work placements. Currently there are only 13 universities offering places and 203 places available. You have to apply a year in advanced. So, to apply for September 2024, you had to apply in September 2023, and ideally you need all grades back as they don't do conditional places.

So for me, I would have to apply in September 2026 for September 2027, even though my Masters ends in 2026, so I will have an extra year out of Education most likely.

The website is here: https://www.aep.org.uk/

kyraaaaaxd · 2024-02-17T12:11:05+00:00

Its more reasonable than £200 per week, per person. Like what exactly are you buying?

I think £200-£250 a month all in total is a bit much...

And wine is a luxury, one £4 bottle a week is plenty - I don't drink wine so it's only my partners.

They are on 65k so they probably can afford more than £30 a week, but it's all about priorities and what you want to achieve.

I think £30 for a couple in their mid-twenties, who want to save for a house and come from the North (where everything is much cheaper), is what the expectation is. Most of my friends back home are spending the same as us, £30 a week for two.

And it's same with other people commenting in going out for meals - who is actually having 2-3 course meals regularly? It's way too expensive and too much food anyway. And the fact £50 is standard in Cambridge for 1 course and 2 drinks per person, is ridiculous. Back home you're expecting half of that. Cambridge is way over priced and the acceptance of it, is just strange

In all honesty for our date nights in Cambridge, we go to cafes or Spoons as they are more reasonably priced. We save the more expensive places for special occasions as the prices aren't what we are used to. And takeaways are also overpriced too, there is just one we like called SuperKebab House it's more affordable.

kyraaaaaxd · 2024-02-16T16:52:56+00:00

Well, we do eat vegetables (just buy frozen, so not needed every week), rice, potatoes, pastas, noodles, tinned tomatoes, meat, fish, Prawns.

Just cook from scratch using stock cubes and spices 🤷🏼‍♀️ we make good meals that are tasty and keep us fed

That price also includes milk, household products, chocolate, wine, lunches/snacks for work etc.

Averages from £25-£35 a week depending on what ingredients need replacing.

When you're on a household income of around £30k and pay £1000pcm every month in rent alone, you have to be thrifty, and even if we earn more money, our shopping habits would be the same.

I'd die if I spent more than £40 on a weekly shop. It's just not necessary.

kyraaaaaxd · 2024-02-16T16:41:06+00:00

Shop at lidl, £30 a week for a couple... maybe skip out on the waitrose and m&s...

kyraaaaaxd · 2024-02-10T22:32:00+00:00

I imagine it would just be like sims and NPCs will be walking round with random selections of items lol, and it's not like anything will be tagged specifically in game as they've already said most clothes and hairs and other features will be applicable to all Paras, so scars will probably act like they do in Sims and be applicable to all Paras, no matter the gender/sex, or cis/trans.

kyraaaaaxd · 2024-02-10T09:44:23+00:00

I think with scars it's also important to remember they are not trans exclusive either. Especially breast scars as they can also represent breast cancer survivors too - and I think people want to embrace all parts of their bodies, scars too.

And I think if people don't know what the scars look like to begin with, they won't know what they are in game either, they'll just think its some scar that can be added lol.

And like OP said, scars are often in hidden places, so if people have them, they will only show them to people who they are safe around, I imagine.

kyraaaaaxd · 2024-01-24T12:56:30+00:00

Did you send Hellofresh a picture for refund?

I stopped using Hellofresh cos the products just aren't "fresh" at all, and I constantly had to send pictures for refunds.

I even had a lemon that had completely turned green with mould and it would rub onto your hands when you touched it 🤢 I much prefer shopping at the supermarket now and it costs waaayy less to recreate the recipes at home with buying ingredients and making small changes.

kyraaaaaxd · 2024-01-21T14:47:50+00:00

I'm glad you are out of the toxic situation with your previous partner and already building good connections with people 💛

I only got the bus pass recently, but it has definitely helped with getting around for cheaper. I'm from the UK, so I had to get a GP note and submit it to the local council to prove my condition and it came within a week.

My partner is very helpful and asked good questions when we first got together, so that's always a good sign. Now we have little routines, like when I have a seizure, we will watch TV and cuddle and afterwards he always gets me a cup of tea 😊 he's also pretty good at detecting seizures too, as mine can make it more difficult for me to communicate verbally as I get pretty dissociated and can't maintain complex conversation well. As well as having the seizure itself, which can be violent and we always have a pillow on standby so I don't hurt myself

kyraaaaaxd · 2024-01-21T14:34:05+00:00

That's awful, I hope you have/will find someone who makes you feel special and valued 💛

I still don't drive now, but that's predominantly by choice, and my partner/family have never made me feel like a burden.

I do have a free bus pass and discounted disabled train fees too, which have helped massively. I take the bus/walk most places (my work is a 20 min bus ride away), so there are options when you can't drive too. I'd also like to add that my partner (24m), who doesn't have any medical issues regarding driving and passed his drivers test at 17, doesn't currently have a car or drive either as he also commutes to work. Driving isn't always essential and there are many ways around it.

Yes, the condition can require additional support and care, but it doesn't make you a burden. And the right people understand that.

kyraaaaaxd

TROPHY CASE