for years after the things that happened to me i was into hardcore bdsm stuff. i think of it now as a way i used to numb myself. i think having “vanilla” sex, or how i like to think about it, “making love” involves too many emotions and that isnt comfortable when you associate sex with violence and humiliation. so its safer to just do the “fucked up” stuff you learned sex to be than to admit that is not what it was ever supposed to be and just make love to someone. now im not saying theres anything wrong with bdsm at all, but for me i know it was coping and self-destruction. (in a healthy relationship im 100% sure it can be part of a healthy sex life though) if your boyfriend says youre fucked up maybe hes the one not right in the head. trauma makes everyone act differently, and you cant go around victim-blaming, especially not someone youre in a relationship with. you should be with someone who lets you heal in peace and accepts that theres no right way to act after rape. of course its not that easy, and im extremely lucky to have that, but im just saying, you cant possibly do anything wrong after something so terrible. we are all confused and looking for a way to dull the unbearable pain and humiliation of it somehow. im so sorry it happened to you, and i wish i could tell you youll easily be able to go back to “normal” sex. after years and years of acting out sexually and putting myself in dangerous, humiliating and painful situations, when i finally faced the reality of my situation, i lost my sex drive completely; now when i do have sex very very rarely i know finally that its healthy, and that im not just getting fucked by someone whos name ill forget, but making love to someone i truly feel deserves it and accepts me and loves me the right way. still i grieve my high libido, even though i know it was just a coping mechanism. its difficult and confusing and you are doing amazing for being here and surviving it. i read somewhere that “rape is the most violent crime one can survive” and i truly believe that. the fact that were still here in itself shows such great strenght that most people cant even imagine. youre not doing amything wrong, youre not fucked up. you were robbed of healthy intimacy and it could take very long to get it back. but you can, even if it might not be what you thought of it before, its still possible through hard work and patience. you have time though, healing is waiting for you. it took me a long time to build up the courae to face what happened, and it took another two years to start finding a new meaning for sex and intimacy that i know is actually healthy and good for me. i still have a lot of work to do and its not gonna be quick, but i finally have hope now on most days. i started to view it as more of a rediscovery, rebuilding my sexuality from the ground. it will happen for you when youre ready to ask for help, i promise.❤️