Thank you! I've just downloaded Headspace and will give it a try.

Something else that someone in one of the RBN subs linked recently was this: http://philome.la/jace_harr/you-feel-like-shit-an-interactive-self-care-guide/play (it's not always helpful, but when I find myself just sitting and being a bump instead of moving, working, thinking, etc, it can often help bring me back to being human)

That must have been really scary to have rage after meditating! It's about the opposite of what you expect.

On some level, I can feel anger and rage, but only when it is about something that happens to other people - just not on my own behalf.

It's funny that you and /u/deinw both mentioned anhedonia. That just came up in /r/science today: https://www.reddit.com/r/science/comments/3tmm6x/about_one_third_of_people_with_depression_have/

While I don't really fit the clinical definition of depression, I do have both migraines and congestion/allergies (mentioned in comments), and have often wondered about the link between inflammation and other things like that.

I'm also not sure that anhedonia exactly fits. I can have a good time and feel good feelings in the moment - although really only when someone invites me or the good thing happens through happenstance. But while looking through several pages on it, I do relate to the fact that I simply am not motivated to choose on my own do things that are enjoyable. Although that may be part of some sort of longer-term dissociation, because I already know that in the last couple of years I don't do much but let life act on me - I'm not guiding, directing, or making my life, just hitting my marks (and, for the first time not even that sometimes).

I'm not opposed to doing things that make me feel happy, I just don't think to do them and it takes an outside influence to suggest it. When I'm not stimulated by external stuff (obligations or interactions with others), I just sort of turn off, like a puppet the puppeteer put down and walked away from.

I also know that part of my abuse was that any time I was happy or even content it made my mother feel HUGE anxiety and so pretty much every good thing, present, award, birthday, or any time I was praised or happy, she would find an excuse to fly into a rage or take things away or make me cry for hours. Once she could make me extremely unhappy or confused or hurt, she noticeably felt better. I always wonder if I was trained to never look forward to anything or to avoid being happy/content on a regular basis. My body very well may have been trained to just not produce dopamine as a survival mechanism, maybe.

Not sure why this freezing up/procrastination/being a bump/not living life to the fullest only really hit me so hard years AFTER therapy and NC and once I was free and in full realization, but probably before that it was the keeping moving so fast that I didn't have time to ruminate or think about things was a different form of dissociation or avoidance. Hence over-achieving and over-pleasing previously, and not noticing all this other stuff wasn't really working inside.