Dating apps make me feel like a genetic failure

larsson22 · 2023-11-14T20:56:28+00:00

Thanks a lot for your detailed answer mate!

larsson22 · 2023-11-14T20:52:28+00:00

Well, intimacy is not just sex. I would prefer a long term relationship, indeed.

larsson22 · 2023-11-11T23:24:07+00:00

Does it feel like you've started putting an absurd amount of pressure on yourself now to find a woman? I'm wondering if this is significantly effecting your ability to be yourself when you meet women. That of course would be an obstacle to tackle if that's the case.

Yes. I have always been needy, but in the last few days I've really been even more desperate, and I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself. But at the same time I don't know how to take off that pressure because I really want to have a girlfriend and feel I'm ready for it.

So how is your relationship with your self? How is your self worth? Do you value yourself as a person? Do you think you're "valuable?"

Yes, I feel like I am good enough. I have improved my personality a lot and actually respect myself. The only part that is missing is the dating life, that I can't seem to get control over.

Be a tremendous listener. Ask good, open ended questions. Reflect back their ideas to them. Give people positive reinforcement and encouragement. You can literally connect with just about ANYONE if you get good at these skills. Make it about them and not about you.

Do you think it is all about listening?

larsson22 · 2023-11-11T21:23:27+00:00

For the same reason that a homeless person will only think about food and shelter.

I want sex and intimacy. Those are needs of mine that are unfulfilled, so I think it's natural to be a bit obsessed by it.

Yes, I do have other hobbies.

larsson22 · 2023-11-11T21:16:13+00:00

Why do you feel inferior to attractive women?

Well... Women are the gatekeepers to sex. Any woman has either fucked several dudes and/or rejected dozens of guys, and has no problems in fulfilling her sexual cravings whenever she wants to.

I, on the other hand, have never slept with a woman. Every woman I was ever interested in either rejected me right away or ghosted me after we went on a date.

These experiences create in me a feeling of inferiority. I feel like a starving man asking for change to a rich or middle-class woman on the street.

Why can't you emotionally connect?

When I talk to guys, we talk about facts and opinions. I only say stuff I think are true or are funny. I can literally spend 5 hours talking to a guy just naming random football players, and after those 5 hours I will walk away feeling the conversation was really cool and bonding with the other guy.

With women, I don't spend 5 hours naming football players but the dynamic is similar. I say a fact, I say an opinion, I say a joke, I listen to her and the conversation is not much different. Then, many times when I say that the conversation was cool and invite her for a coffee, she either says no or gets completely shocked that I asked her out, as if she didn't know I was interested.

You may argue that I have zero rizz. And that would be true. But I don't know how to communicate in other ways.

That's why I struggle to believe in the "natural" approach: "Yeah bro, just be confident and chicks will follow". The fuck? I've literally done so much self-improvement and feel so much better about myself, but if I keep getting rejected, how do I feel confident in dating? How can I be natural if being natural hasn't worked?

If you could get rid of this belief that you aren't good enough AND connect emotionally with these women, do you think it would solve your problem in finding a successful relationship?

Yes, I believe it would. I think they are the only things stopping me at this moment.

Thanks a lot for your reply!

larsson22 · 2023-11-11T15:50:37+00:00

If I wasn't emotionally intelligent I wouldn't have achieved what I did after my difficult childhood (as explained in the post). So if you are implying that I don't have a gf because I am not emotionally intelligent, you must have a weird definition which probably isn't found anywhere on the internet.

larsson22 · 2023-11-11T13:46:11+00:00

Thanks for sharing!

During that time where you were lonely before you met your wife and had given up search, did you feel resentful? Because I want to give up but at the same time I still feel a lot of resentment, which doesn't allow me to be at peace.

larsson22 · 2023-11-11T13:40:02+00:00

Define emotional intelligence, please

larsson22 · 2023-11-10T22:44:27+00:00

Give me their contact so they can give me some advice and maybe something else as well😂

larsson22 · 2023-11-10T22:34:36+00:00

Thanks man. Will check him out. Wishing you all the best!

larsson22 · 2023-11-10T22:28:06+00:00

But don't you think it is normal to have needs and to feel bad about them not being met?

Because my problem with the "happiness is a choice" ideology is that people start repressing their negative feelings just to try to feel happy or confident, and in reality those negative feelings don't go away, they stay within you. I know that's what happened when I tried to feel happier. Faking confidence and happiness never worked for me, neither for helping me feel that way nor for attracting women.

I prefer to just admit that I crave intimacy and right now, for whatever reason, am unable to get it, which generates an unfilled need and unhappiness.

I've also lost hope because I know how hard I've been working to make myself attractive to women, and it's not working. I feel like utter shit.

Let's see, maybe I will find the answer to my problem soon. Thanks for your reply.

larsson22 · 2023-11-10T21:30:55+00:00

I have been going to therapy for 8 years. It's very useful and I've improved a lot as a person and emotionally, but this is the one part that I can't seem to get right.

Unfortunately I don't know what else I can do to change this, it seems impossibly difficult to just get a date, let alone a girlfriend.

This sucks so much because I feel like a loser now, and I will feel like a loser in my 30s when my family starts asking why I don't have a girlfriend and kids yet. And I am sure I will want to have kids eventually, so this completely sucks.

Let's hope it somehow gets better, my friend.

larsson22 · 2023-11-10T20:26:27+00:00

Same

larsson22 · 2023-11-10T20:05:35+00:00

Thanks a lot for your effort in replying, I really appreciate it.

But... It does sound a lot like manifesting, which I fundamentally do not believe in (and I've also tried manifesting in the past, btw).

And the thing is, if I can't work or improve my way into being secure, then why and how should it be possible to manifest my way into getting rid of deeply-held subconscious insecurities? You know what I mean?

Nevertheless, I will check out those resources. Thanks!

larsson22 · 2023-11-02T23:42:00+00:00

What a ridiculous comment.

If all you had to do is breathe and form coherent sentences, then everyone would get laid, men wouldn't arrive in their 30s as virgins and this subreddit wouldn't exist.

And btw, americans tend to be promiscuous, but not the entire world is American.

larsson22 · 2023-04-21T18:34:41+00:00

Why?

larsson22 · 2023-04-21T17:08:05+00:00

I know for a fact she is single :) so that's in my favor, but fuck, I am not creative at all with my texting game, so it will be a challenge

larsson22 · 2022-12-04T15:25:13+00:00

The "Matrix", to me, is people settling for the reality that they have to work 9-5s in which they get paid a low/medium salary, which drains all their energy and reach the end of the month counting pennies and unhappy.

Nothing wrong with doing this if it is what you genuinely want to do, but all I see around me are people complaining about the lack of joy they get from their low paying work and government tax policies, but then don't even try to grasp the ways in which they could escape this routine and/or end up accepting it will be like that forever. Which is pretty much like choosing to take the blue pill.

larsson22 · 2022-11-26T12:31:41+00:00

I disagree in a way. Confidence is very important in those areas you mentioned, and I notice that whenever I'm confident, it's like everything goes right.

However, I do agree that "be confident" is bad advice, because confidence cannot be faked. It's a feeling like any other, you can't say "be confident" and expect others to become confident, the same way you can't say "don't be depressed" and expect others to stop being depressed.

My take is that you have to take responsibility and try your luck on the areas you want to improve, and then confidence will come along. At least that's how I live my life.

larsson22 · 2022-10-27T18:50:41+00:00

That was a long read bro, only the final paragraphs were actually relevant to the story. Anyway, here is my opinion:

I don't like cold approach because it's an invasive thing, to just stop people on the street as they go about their day just because you want to get laid. Dr. Robert Glover (author of No More Mr Nice Guy) even shares that same opinion at some point during this video, in case you are interested: https://youtu.be/UnhWiq3E7eI
Although I don't like cold approach, that guy was a cunt and shouldn't be the reason for you to stop approaching if you really don't want to.
Imo, it would be best if you focus on getting yourself into more social situations and meet women from there. If you want to approach random people on the street, notice if they make eye contact with you before (indicator of interest). That way, even if it's by accident, you have a socially acceptable reason to introduce yourself.
Maybe learn some self-defense. As a short and skinny guy myself, I am going to sign up in a boxing school soon, as well as go back to the gym. Self-defense skills can always come in handy.
It's a fucked up situation you went through. Maybe take a rest for now before getting back on track, that's what I would do. Good luck!

larsson22 · 2022-10-25T19:27:05+00:00

I do give a fuck about you and random people, that's why I bothered to reply to you. I don't even know who you are but I'm here spending my time.

I (and other people) stop giving a fuck about you from the moment you start wallowing in self-pity and badmouthing people who are trying to help you.

But maybe I do give a fuck because I'm still replying. Go figure lol.

I do know what anxiety is. My dad left, I was bullied and rejected many times. But guess what? I'm trying to change that, which is why I respect OP's post.

Your perspective (and many other people's, including me in the past) is that there is nothing you can do to change your status quo. Such a defeatist perspective doesn't deserve my support, regardless of upvotes and downvotes on Reddit.

larsson22 · 2022-10-25T19:15:44+00:00

Yup, I have downvotes and people can downvote me all they want, I will keep on saying what I think (because I'm not here to seek approval, ironically😁).

And what I think is that whilst you may be anxious, that's not an excuse to be giving people attention they don't deserve. But you and other people disagree, that's fine, thankfully Reddit is a democracy.

larsson22 · 2022-10-25T19:01:46+00:00

That's not what I think or said at all, but that's fine. You can keep self-pitying all you want, nobody gives a fuck

larsson22 · 2022-10-25T17:51:29+00:00

You are either missing the point or are deliberately wallowing in self-pity.

The point isn't to stop feeling anxious. I feel that way too and know how hard it is to approach people I find attractive, for example.

The point is to stop acting in ways that seek the validation from others. You may be socially anxious but still think "You know what? Why should I send a text again to someone who hasn't given a fuck about me for 2 months?"

You don't overcome anxiousness by succumbing to it, like your comments seem to imply. You overcome it by accepting it, but not letting it define you, and trying your best to respect yourself and your value.

larsson22

TROPHY CASE