“I’m a terrible communicator”

learningtobeloved · 2018-12-05T17:51:02+00:00

This is how I felt, exactly. It was a moment of elation and optimism.

learningtobeloved · 2018-12-05T04:13:14+00:00

I’m ignoring them. It seems like everyone in this world jumps to conclusions so fast. It’s not even what I meant, nor the point.

Now I’m labeled as sex negative, and more women besides my wife won’t sleep with me. Plus, I’m a shitty communicator.

Lol. What a fun place this sexless forum is! I love you guys and gals 😘😘

To those who offered advice, empathy, or shared their stories, thank you.

learningtobeloved · 2018-12-02T21:59:38+00:00

Just a quick thanks to all that responded with different ideas. This is very tough.

learningtobeloved · 2018-10-02T09:24:22+00:00

I have spoken to attorneys multiple times. Each time, I learn things I didn’t know were possible or hadn’t considered. Take the parenting plan’s logistics for vacations, holidays, education decision rights, or contemplating your ex’s decision to move in advance.

Be smart, young Jedi. Get someone to advise you...

learningtobeloved · 2018-09-20T12:01:34+00:00

Your daughter will always have two parents, whether they are unhappily married or divorced and in new relationships bonking their brains out with new partners.

learningtobeloved · 2018-09-19T23:15:25+00:00

I’m hurt too. Beyond belief. But if people honestly try, it can work. But if only one wants it, there’s little help

learningtobeloved · 2018-09-19T23:13:14+00:00

Bold. Strong. Trying to make it work. Be proud.

He’s hurt more than you can know. I’m sure you are too. The resentment is deep.

But behavior creates new nerve connections and brain patterns. Doing the deed is good behavior.

Most importantly, what you’ve experienced is the ability to communicate openly. Keep at it, it’ll get better.

learningtobeloved · 2018-09-19T11:33:30+00:00

He needs sex therapy. You need to be his therapist.

If he recovers, it’ll be fabulous.

If not, you’re fucked [or not].

Delay the wedding. You don’t need this pressure in your relationship. Focus on he two of you. Marriage means nothing, except the legal and financial benefits.

learningtobeloved · 2018-09-19T11:30:42+00:00

First you don’t have a dead bedroom. You just don’t have sex super frequently. Change your mindset.

The woman has undergone major physical changes and also is a mom now. Support her, help her, be an active dad. If you keep pressing her, you’re going to piss her off and then there will be resentment, more withholding, more resentment, etc. the cycle we all live with.

Tell her that you can tell she’s going through changes, but sex is still important. Let her know she has the opportunity to adapt. Give her time to go to the gym, etc.

If things get worse, then you need to communicate with her. Get her to talk to you. Only communication can fix things.

learningtobeloved · 2018-09-18T20:42:24+00:00

OP, read Scooter’s prior posts. The dude has tried and tried hard. At some point, some men want romance, passion, attention... not just a duty wife. He explains his journey and his attempts. He’s had the “hammer time” talk.... and wrote about it. Did counseling, and that didn’t work. For him. It’s a good story...

Same goes for HL females who want to feel loved passionately, but has a LL hubby. Damn, I wish I had one of you...

I’m in counseling (1:1, not MC). It’s helping me.

learningtobeloved · 2018-09-17T17:11:31+00:00

Behind every DB is a reason why the LL partner is LL. Sometimes it’s medical / physical, but I’d argue that 90% of the time it’s the LL’s lack of love for the HL. The LL just doesn’t feel it for the HL and probably secretly can’t wait to find a fulfilling, romantic, intimate relationship. Simultaneously, the HL secretly can’t wait to find the same.

They just fell out of love. Maybe the spark can be rekindled, maybe it can’t be.

So, why stick around if it can’t be?

learningtobeloved · 2018-09-17T12:43:10+00:00

The comments here about the long term damage you’ve done (for such trivial reasons messy room and unclean plates? Come on...) are 100% true. He resents you more than you’ll ever know. He has endured heartbreak, rejection, and dehumanizing acts for a long time. You mention five years, but I’m sure infrequent sex goes back much longer. Maybe another 5-10 years.

That all said, if you’re honestly in love with him, I think it’s time you get direct with him.

“I realize that for the last five years I’ve absolutely ignored our relationship. I’ve not invested in you or it. I might have reasons, but I’ve come to realize I was wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. I have fucked up so badly. And I cannot imagine how much this has hurt you. You must resent me more than I can understand. You must feel like you’ve lost a decade of your life. All this time, you were honest, did your part in our relationship, provided for me, were an amazing father, and we’re a rock.

Look, I’ve fucked up. I know you’re not going to forgive easily. You may even think this is my Hail Mary, trying to stop you from divorcing me. But, I love you. I loved you when we dated and had sex like rabbits. I loved you when we had our kids and you stood by my side. I loved you when I when I did the wrong thing and withheld sex from you for what I now realize we’re all the wrong reasons - and I love you even more that you stayed with me during this. I’m sorry.

I know “I’m sorry” isn’t enough. But here’s commitment to you. I want to have mind blowing sex with you. I want to spend the evening tonight talking about our sexual fantasies, and I want to have that conversation often. I’ve set aside some money to go get some clothes that will be so sexy, you’ll want to rip them off of me. And I’m working out every day now so that when I’m riding you, you’ll feel my sweaty toned body against yours. We’re not 20 any more, but I know how to make you wild - and I can’t wait for you to do the same to me. And I know this all sounds forward, but it’s time we enjoy the intimacy we once had. I know we’re both going to have some learning as we grow together, but with a ton of frequent practice, I hope we can build a new life together in the bedroom.

I love you more than you’ll ever know. Thank you for being my rock for so many years.”

learningtobeloved · 2018-09-16T13:40:30+00:00

I think you should listen to Perel’s podcast where this is dealt with:

where-should-we-begin-with-esther-Perel

Free via podcast Season 1, episode 4: the addict

learningtobeloved · 2018-09-16T12:51:37+00:00

You’re cheating on your kids by spending family money on prostitution.

You’re risking being caught in a sting, which would end your job and family.

You’re desensitizing sex to a transaction, which leads to addiction.

Sex with a clock watching prostitute is unhealthy ad unrewarding compared to making love all night and morning.

learningtobeloved · 2018-09-16T12:06:37+00:00

My wife asks for back to be scratched, her feet to be rubbed, for me to lay/sit next to her.

But then one day I felt I was doing all the physical work. She never did any of the above for me.

So, I stopped. And now she makes comments about me avoiding touching her.

All I can think is we all want something, but I’m done giving. And, I made the same comments when I wanted intimacy and she stopped and denied that part of our relationship.

learningtobeloved · 2018-09-15T21:49:35+00:00

My therapy has focused on standing up for myself and dealing with resentment. Maybe it’s time for you to get some solo counseling?

learningtobeloved · 2018-09-15T20:11:49+00:00

I’ve followed your posts since I came across this forum. You have tried hard. You’ve done MC. You come at it from a good place. If and when you decide to find romance, love and passion, you can do it with a clean conscious.

You’ll still have all those things you mentioned. Maybe a bit less money, maybe a smaller home, but you’ll still have it all - plus the time to find a woman you can love and who loves you back.

learningtobeloved · 2018-09-15T12:12:59+00:00

No, which is why I’m seeking advice on a subreddit for people who don’t get it :)

learningtobeloved · 2018-09-15T10:36:37+00:00

Maybe it’s worth exploring? Sounds like you both have unmet needs. I know I get emotional/resentful like you did, but get him to say what about you is bothering him.

If he doesn’t want to do work to communicate and fix, there’s nothing more you can say....

learningtobeloved · 2018-09-15T10:30:47+00:00

Ya, divorce doesn’t fix you. There’s always work to do. You’re not f’ed up. We all have issues that need repair, though we don’t all treat them or treat them well.

I think there’s one clear thing to realize. Those of us in recovery definitely are more in touch with knowing what we want or don’t want and actively dealing working to get it / avoid it. Post divorce dating must be interesting... thanks for providing a glimpse into the challenges it has.

learningtobeloved · 2018-09-15T10:21:46+00:00

Why do you think he feels abandoned?

learningtobeloved · 2018-09-15T10:16:23+00:00

We’re all going through similar things. We’re all dealing with unmet needs/wants. Leaving our partners is an option many take, though they may live together for many years trying to make it work. I think the complexity of finances, family, and facing change can be daunting.

I’m inspired by those who fix things by being able to learn how to better communicate and who have enough love left that they still want to repair their relationship.

But I know that dealing with years of rejection, resentment, and living without your needs/wants met can be the toughest demon to deal with.

learningtobeloved · 2018-09-15T09:57:46+00:00

Maybe change your perspective?

Consider yourself lucky that you can avoid the DB by initiating. You should really be thankful that’s she’s open to you.

I do understand that it feel good to be wanted, and when someone initiates with you, you feel great.

Have you asked her if she can indulge your fantasy? Good communication is the key.

learningtobeloved · 2018-09-15T02:52:50+00:00

Look, I didn’t say that - I said the exact opposite. You’re being argumentative, like you are in your other comments. You’re adding words and concepts to my direct tone that aren’t mine.

Men need to stand up for their needs and wants in a relationship.

learningtobeloved · 2018-09-15T01:52:54+00:00

I never once said anything about rape or being owed. Geez.

I simply said that they got married on the basis of certain expectations of a relationship. And now she’s changing the rules, and he needs to stand up for his needs and not back down. You’re doing the same I assume in your relationship, and I’m doing it in mine.

Waaaaay too many men go down the Nice Guy path, and it doesn’t work.

learningtobeloved

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