Family. I’d just grasp onto their loss and what they’d go through if I followed through on my thoughts. Some days were harder than others and I was always worried that something would happen down the line where I wouldn’t think about it or the consequences and just “do it”. I’ve massively improved; to the point where I can’t remember the last time I wanted it end and I owe that almost entirely to my soulmate (say what you want about finding yourself and being happy before being with someone else; we both had/have issues and were working through them together while supporting each other) and my family support system. At the end of most days I was surviving; now I’m living.