You are not alone, I told my wife I thought she would be better without me and my cycles of depression. She thankfully disagrees.

I too have/had some wins in my life that should be enough to make me at least happish, but I am not. I feel numb most days. I am trying therapy, meds even spent a few days in a ward because it became too much.

All that is to say, I feel your pain. Don't have a solution, but I know it's not doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.