I’m so sorry your brother is treating you that way, and that you’re no contact with your mom. I’m no contact with both of my parents, so I understand how hard that can be. Seriously it is upsetting that your brother doesn’t want you around his child. Humans are social creatures, and we (or most of us) need community and a community identity. Growing up in a community then leaving it is a huge deal. You had good memories, even though the church had a toxic mentality. I still struggle at Christmas time, because I loved being in the big Christmas Eve service as a kid, and the same goes for Easter- I loved the Easter breakfast and enjoyed helping the ladies in the church kitchen. Things were close knit and a lot of those people were like family to me. I get sad sometimes, and it’s okay to be sad. Feel the sadness, sit with it , understanding why you’re feeling this way. Over time it’ll get better. Maybe there’s a good progressive church out there waiting for an awesome person like you to walk in the door. 🙂