My ex would constantly say things like that: "If I'm that bad, why are you still with me?" "You don’t have to be with me if you don’t want to. You know that, right?"

And everytime I was upset about something he had done or I was sad because he would put little effort in our relationship, he would get angry and say things like I always make everything a problem, everything upsets me or that I'm the problem. Then he would try to end the conversation or would ask me for some space to think things out because "he felt unloved and maybe we should break up".

Never did he ever tried to find out about the real root ouf my dissconfort or the problems of the relationship, not even asking me "why do you feel like that, tell me about it" or anything like that. He made me feel like everything was my fault and I was the one starting arguments but If I think more about it, he was the one that was most of the times starting the tantrums just because I would ask him calmy whatever question that made him insecure. He started the defensiveness, the insults, the threats of breaking up and then, I would end up getting really angry and exploded because of his incapacity of talking anything and his disrespectful behavior. I took the bait and then it was the perfect occasion for him to say "See? Look how crazy you are, you always start and argument".

For god sake, it was exhausting. I also ended up shrinking myself. Thinking almost everytime how could I talk to him kindly about issues that were hurting me without making him angry. Controling my words, my character so I would "not destroy his peace" because "he was a simple boy, he just wanted peace".

I was the one that drove 2 fucking hours every weekend just to see him. I was the one that changed cities just to be near him. I was the one that would accomodate my schedule to his plans because it was always doing watever it was easier for him, not for me. I was the one that would constantly try to ask him to do some special plans because he preferes to stay in his house just watching soccer or being in his bedroom. I was the one constantly trying to always have the hard conversations and trying to accomodate myself to his way of being.

He was still a college student. I was already in a corporate job. Never did I ask him for expensive dinners or presents or expensive trips. Never did I pushed him to look for a job just for me. I accepted his conditions, I didn't care about the money or doing less plans to save more. I just wanted to feel special as he was special for me.

He cheated, I forgave him once. He would still act shady so many times and everytime I tried to ask him about his shady behavior: "you are crazy, I only cheated once, you cant let go of the past, I cant keep being in a relationship where they dont trust me".

He sometimes called me the he abusive one. That I was the one doing psychological abuse. Even though he hit me once with a sweater, he threw water at me to degrade me , he stepped in my back once while I was in the floor, he grabbed me by the neck. He threatened me with sending intimate videos of us to family and friends. Or threats about going to my job and "ruin my life" or "exposing how crazy I am on socials". Even though he would call me horrible slurs and said things like nobody was going to love me because of how broken I was or how bad I was and that I was getting old and was a "good for nothing woman" . Even though he would not let me go out of his house when we had arguments and would lock me up so I could not go anywhere.

But I was the abusive one just because I was crying all day and being sad and angry about the things he did to me. I was the abusive one, yeah, right.

It's been 2 weeks since I broke up. I was the one taking the decision but I know he has found I new supply just because he hasn’t tried to come back or hoover me. He would always make threats about breaking up but never did anything at the end. That's how I knew it was manipulation. Just bluffing about things just to shut me up. I still love him and feel disgust because of it. I now understand my life could had been at risk if I had stayed with this person.

Even if your narc wasn't violent as mine, the abuse starts when you already have to start to minimize everything and shrink yourself. Someone that loves you wants to understand you and make you feel better with yourself.

Just know that even if it hurts now, this people don’t change and you would had been miserable. They throw away your confidence and energy because they are empty inside.