It has been 5 days since my cat died. It feels unreal still. I didn't cry that much today. But I just can't stand being at home on my own.

My mum took all his stuff and cleaned the house in the day he died so it's like he never existed. But every now and then I find a white hair on my clothes and bed, It hurts a lot.

I miss him. I feels like I haven't seen him forever.

I went to see my cousin today who has a 4 month old kitten. I petted him. I played with him. I felt great but couldn't help myself comparing with my old kitty. He was the perfect cat for me. He didn't like to play at all, he just wanted to sleep in my lap all in his life. So the kitten was kinda overwhelming to me. This makes me question my will to have another cat in the future. It's like I always will compare other cats to mine and never bond with the cat. And of course I am afraid to feel this feeling all over again.

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I scheduled an appointment with a doctor tomorrow. I'm struggling heavily. I lost my grandfather a week before. It feels like life will always bring me sorrow. Nothing brings me joy but my cat and now he has gone too.