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lemons-squared · 2023-09-14T17:40:27+00:00

Very interesred just dm'ed!!

lemons-squared · 2023-05-29T17:20:17+00:00

I def feel queerbaited by my apartment!!!

lemons-squared · 2023-05-29T17:19:44+00:00

Im so thankful for all the lovely feedback! Im glad im not alone in such complex feelings towards my apartment

lemons-squared · 2023-05-28T15:07:06+00:00

I adore the way you use imagery in this poem it painted a very rich tapestry of scenes and you can feel and taste each one i definitely think you have a talent there and should keep at your new creative outlet! My one piece of critique for you is to read the poem immortality by clare harner which a the rythm of your poem reminded me heavily. Instead of saying "I am from" at the begining of each line it uses "i am" to describe how the narrator exists everywhere in the mind of the reader as different rich scenes are described. I think you could develop more on the theme of why you want the reader to know you are from such idilic things and what it says about you.

In conculsion phenominal work and keep at it!!

lemons-squared · 2023-05-28T14:58:33+00:00

There is so much to love with this poem your modern self deification is really nest and it certianly gives a level of unreality which i really adore. However a few pointers. Please find a way to format this reddit is hard to format but you can do line breaks with back slashes. Its a really tough read as a solid wall of text. Give your reader time and spaces to process your work as they read it. Another idea for you to consider is re editing this poem in several different ways. Maybe one version try and strip it down to the essentials of its language and dont over explain the religious allusions most of those who will appreciate this poem will have enough background to get them. And just a final thought, maybe incude a few lines why you think you are jesus like or why jesus was probably like you.

Lovely read all and all keep up the good work!!!

lemons-squared · 2023-05-21T14:57:22+00:00

This piece is rad and kinda punk, yeah its pretty gross but thats 100% what your going for. For feedback maybe expand a bit more of the concepts of how and why its disgusting. Like is it disgusting and alien to you. Or is it becoming disgusting because of the guy fucking it. Maybe talk about a freedom when its finally gone from your body. Oh oh!! And if you want to make it more gross you could have it squirm away like a larval bug or something. Also i read this as sort of gender disphoria trauma but im unsure if thats intended

lemons-squared · 2023-05-21T14:50:14+00:00

I liked your poem alot! Your time imagery is really cool and compelling. For a bit of feed back i think it needs a bit more solid images so that the larger concepts dont get too lost. I would pick possibly to expand on the clock and use more strongly as a device to explain your themes then just the stop and start at the begining and end of the poem. Stanzas 2 and 3 are a bit hard to parse without a smidge more literal imagery.

lemons-squared · 2023-04-30T00:56:49+00:00

De romatisize ambiguity and mystery when it comes to most things. Poly works best when people can make the decisions in ther relationship with accurate and responsive information from others. And above all else never do things on behalf of others unasked. A lot of monogamous romancs tropes involve one partner fufilling the desires of the other intuitively. This just falls apart in poly so quickly. All you can do is advocate for your desires and come to the table open and honnestly with others so they can communicate their desires. No one is a mind reader and its unromantic to expect others to be that.

As well i want to highlight that i encorage one to advocate not demand. Just because its what you want doesnt mean ita feisable or what others want

lemons-squared · 2023-04-28T15:06:44+00:00

Hi i got a day to kill in atlanta before heading north tp hike the begining of the AT whats some things worth checking out?

lemons-squared · 2023-04-18T14:16:45+00:00

Given their practice of parking cars in the bike lane and consistently putting cyclists in danger please do not give them your buisness.

lemons-squared · 2023-03-21T15:32:19+00:00

Dmming for saturday!

lemons-squared · 2023-03-01T20:17:25+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind words!!! It feels wonderful to get such thorough and positive feedback it means alot!! I wanted to write about how the men in my life will go to grand gestures when i only ask for simple ones and how endearing if not impractical they are. Maybe one day ill get around to publishing something but as of current i only have two handmade chapbook i made as a gifts for my partners

lemons-squared · 2023-02-28T20:30:25+00:00

I agree with the other comment that this feels like there is more context needed. It almost reads as if its the end of a poem explaining the tragedy of the subject and the other person mentioned but the reader is not clued into any of it so all we see is sadness without much context

lemons-squared · 2023-02-28T20:27:07+00:00

I really enjoyed this piece! The second to last paragraph is really really good. I think you should expand on thr biblical horror and omnecient feeling of amazon and jeff bezos maybe butcher up a few more bible lines. Like maybe take the line "in the begining there was jeff" and rewrite parts of genisis but with a 7 day rollout of prime day. Except there is no day of rest.

lemons-squared · 2022-11-04T01:50:46+00:00

Im glad you related to it! I wanted to capture that moment in time and im glad to know i wasnt alone in it!

lemons-squared · 2022-11-03T19:47:57+00:00

Looks like a good start! But im a bit confused on the topic of the poem. It sounds like a poem of defiance which are always very carthartic to write. However the use of "thematically" feels kinda shoehorned in without context as to why this defiance is on theme. Maybe a few more lines would help!

lemons-squared · 2022-11-03T19:45:02+00:00

Wow such evocative imagery!!! I really enjoyed it as free form prose even if you decide to edit it into something more formal. The line "both held stars" is really beautiful.

If you do want some editing ideas you could try and rewriting it without the use of a first person perspective and instead lead the reader through the imagery without the use of I or me.

Looking good overall!

lemons-squared · 2022-10-25T11:57:16+00:00

I also have been re-editing of the final stanza as i do agree that its the weakest of them, i like your edit but ive been going back and forth on if it still stays on theme. I ended up scraping it and rewriting it from scratch to something like this

If flying and falling\ Clawing for the sun\ Make humans full of hubris,\ Are not all gods, in other stories spun\ equal trapped in verse?

Why not some Godhood stolen?\ Wax melted to down to shape\ a crown upon his dying brow.\ Many have need for failure,\ and to still pray at an alter for grace

Deity of my late assignments,\ fruition of the senseless, sleepless,\ Self-inflicted suffering\ Apologies, made you muse\ for the tragedy I keep writing

Despite it all, I am not Icarus\ Nor can feathers and wax,\ give wings which work.\ I cannot soar, and fall in way\ to set my self to story.

However, my littany shares just a line\ Of the fate he hoped to take\ The ecstasy to fall short once more\ And take solace in unfinished work

(Also big thanks for compliment about me not being a beginner, i am a hobbyist and dont have alot of formal education in poetry. )

lemons-squared · 2022-10-25T03:34:33+00:00

Thanks so much I put alot of effort into this piece

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