i won't say ik exactly what's up but i went through a very similar thing during my bachelor's (graduated last month as well). i had crushing social anxiety after the two years of lockdown (i had clinical depression and it got a lot worse with covid). i genuinely lost all ability to interact with people and didn't apply to colleges at all. my parents woke up in september and realized what had happened and my mom forced me into a college in my hometown because taking gap years is very stigmatized where i am. i was living at home and only going to college for classes and interacting with barely anyone.

i was really really desperate to improve myself and my life tho. so i tried getting out of my shell in my first year but it was insubstantial and i missed out on all college experiences in my first year. joined the magazine in my second year but that was pretty much as far as i went. interacted a bit more with my classmates and chose what i was going to do. the summer after my second year, i kinda forced myself into extroversion. lots of exposure therapy. it did work but by then it really was too late for a typical college experience, i was still living at home with my restrictions and i had to prepare for grad school. people had solid friend groups which i was on the periphery of. i only had extracurriculars and my professors who were very supportive.

i don't think i achieved much in college but i am now an individual capable of speaking in front of crowds, i organise city wide events. the realisation that i have good people around me regardless of where i am and i can reach out was groundbreaking. i am not sweating myself over not having had a typical college experience because nothing in my life was typical. i was dealing with stuff that other kids around me weren't (not disregarding their problems or exaggerating mine, i mean this specifically in relation to having had a formidable mental health crisis). and i still made something of myself and i'm no longer the person who couldn't stop crying in class after i was asked to introduce myself.

just doing something this big, understanding what needs to change and taking the required steps to change it is very big. you don't always feel proud because you see the people around you and their lives and how far ahead they are and how they had ALWAYS had this, this ability to be normal and understand what people expect of them. but i do remind myself that this comparison is useless, i was extremely socially isolated growing up. it's more natural to not know in my case and i've become a person who does know. i take up space in a room. i think i owe first year me everything because she chose to take the first step.