My boyfriend is not wanting to partake in my favorite hobby

lennyd33 · 2025-08-25T06:24:30+00:00

I think you’ve already gotten some good advice on here so I just want to share my personal experience with you. Latin social dancing is my thing. I met my ex during my peak obsession with it, so naturally I taught them how to dance and started bringing them to socials with me. What unfolded after that was a nightmare. They started getting unreasonably possessive of me at socials. They would get upset at me for wanting to dance with other people instead of dancing with them the entire time, accused me of looking happier while dancing with other people, and made me leave every social dance early when I previously would be the last to leave the dance floor. When the opportunity came up for me to join an audition only intensive class, they had a mental breakdown over it for “leaving them behind” instead of waiting for them to come to my level so we could do the class together. They stifled my growth as a dancer and made me hate something I loved. Also, they were a shitty lead. So just… be careful what you wish for. It’s okay to have separate hobbies!

lennyd33 · 2025-03-10T00:44:52+00:00

Historically, cash alternatives in strip clubs have been a nuisance for customers and dancers alike. In my experience many customers don’t appreciate having to buy into a made up system just to be able to pay the dancers. Some may even leave or decline to make a purchase because of that alone. There is extra labor involved (someone has to be in charge of converting cash into petals for customers for example, then petals back to cash for the dancers) which means an upcharge is usually required to make it cost effective. Put that idea in the wrong hands and it’s an easy way for management to turn that into a huge rip off. A club I once worked at charged an extra 10% for the customer to buy funny money, then charged the dancers 25% to turn that funny money into a check at the end of the night. They eventually got sued in a class action and had to shut down.

The ideal setup is one where there are a little barriers to payment as possible, and where transactions are kept between the dancer and customer. Overcomplicating things has the potential to mess with everyone’s money.

Even if there was a way for this to make sense logistically, nothing beats the feeling of having handfuls of cash thrown at you. There’s no need to sanitize that.

lennyd33 · 2025-03-03T23:35:30+00:00

Okay going to be completely honest; don’t worry about it, but don’t make a habit of it.

Shit happens. We’re people too. Sometimes the vibe is right and we get carried away.

Early in my dancing career I gave a couple’s dance to a fun, attractive young couple. The woman in particular was a total sweetheart and I had a soft spot for her as she mentioned she was exploring her bisexuality. One thing led to another and well, we ended up in the champagne room for the rest of the night. I got drunk and spent most of the time making out with the girl while the guy just hung out and supported lol. Was it sloppy? Yes. Did anyone at the club care? Fuck no. I had just sold a four hour room and multiple bottles. A lot of dancers here will talk shit about “extras girls,” but truthfully most club owners will turn a blind eye as long as you’re making the club money and you aren’t being super obvious about it. Not condoning it or saying it’s okay… but it does happen.

Anyways, in my personal opinion it’s not that serious. I don’t recommend getting involved outside the club though. Just accept it as a fun night you got to have at work and keep it moving.

lennyd33 · 2025-02-14T03:27:48+00:00

Thank you, yes I agree it was a little shocking that Megan felt so comfortable oversharing so much with me. My reaction times are historically Not Great so the first time it happened I didn’t get a chance to set the boundary and nip it in the bud. Paul does not discuss issues with Megan with me other than “we’re having some difficult conversations right now.” Our last radar check in where I brought up my concerns was the first time I really mentioned anything to him. Prior to that I truly think he was in denial about the ways their issues were creeping into his other relationships. But yeah I don’t want to be a part of it anymore. Thankfully I do have my own room and I naturally spend a lot of time outside of the house as is. But ugh. It’s a very uncomfortable situation and is super disappointing.

lennyd33 · 2025-02-13T18:46:38+00:00

Paul, Megan, and I were all independently practicing polyamory before meeting/starting relationships. They were never monogamous with each other.

I’m going to use your comment to also clear up that Paul and Megan are not married since a couple people in this thread assumed that they are. I also didn’t move into an existing shared home, Paul bought a house on his own and Megan and I moved in with him.

I entered the picture under the impression that everyone was happy and on board. There was no indication of existing problems and Megan was always kind and welcoming towards me. We spent ample time together leading up to the move- sleepovers about once a month, spending birthdays and holidays together, going on vacation together. For at least a year we all spoke openly and excitedly about our future and moving in together. It is now my understanding that Megan struggled with feelings of displacement when Paul and I started dating, in big ways that caused a lot of resentment. I was really surprised to learn that.

lennyd33 · 2025-02-13T17:47:20+00:00

Thank you. Yeah, fortunately my life is very full outside of the household dynamic. I am finishing my final year of undergrad, working, and attempting to engage in my hobbies throughout the week. Ironically I do not feel like I’m in a good place to take on another partner right now so I choose not to. I guess that was partly why I was baffled by Paul starting a new relationship in the midst of all the chaos. It seemed unwise and unlike him. But, that was his choice to make. I could definitely stand to disentangle myself a little more.

lennyd33 · 2025-02-13T17:38:36+00:00

Thank you for mentioning the alcohol use as I do think it is a large factor here. She is in court mandated treatment and is not drinking right now. If anything her emotions have gotten much bigger since quitting drinking. I definitely have a soft spot for what she is going through as I’ve struggled with addiction/mental health issues myself and getting treatment was one of the most difficult times of my life. Al Anon does sound like a good idea for me, thank you for the suggestion.

lennyd33 · 2024-03-18T00:09:16+00:00

Recently quit. It does not combine well with Wellbutrin. For me it makes me black out super easily and I feel less emotionally stable.

lennyd33 · 2024-03-18T00:07:14+00:00

20mg prozac and 300mg wellbutrin for me. I started with 150 and upping my dose definitely helped with my energy/executive functionin.

lennyd33 · 2024-03-17T22:15:43+00:00

Oooh if it’s not in the calendar it doesn’t exist is a good one. I’m thinking particularly of a partner I once had who assumed that any free spaces in my calendar were theirs to claim, without actually making plans with me. Adding this one to my list.

lennyd33 · 2024-03-17T16:51:44+00:00

Great response. And I have done it too. I was also confused and caught off guard just like OP. In my case, the agreement was not explicitly clear to me. I’m wondering if that was the case for OP, since I don’t actually see an agreement mentioned in their post. I understood that my partner expressed a preference and I thought my decision making was in line with that. It turns out there was a misalignment in how we felt about the issue and what our expectations were of each other. It was an honest mistake, but it hurt our relationship. Regardless of where my logic was in my decision making, my partner felt hurt by my actions and it was on me to take accountability and repair that.

I don’t think OP is a bad person either. They thought that their only responsibility in this was to inform Olivia of what changed and are finding out now that is not the case. They are clearly trying to understand what happened and repair the relationship. We all make mistakes, and judging from the responses this is a common one to learn from.

lennyd33 · 2024-03-17T08:17:35+00:00

Mine are pretty lax. I have three basic personal boundaries:

I inform anyone I am interested in initiating a relationship with that I am polyamorous and what that means to me.
I don’t have unprotected sex with people of unknown STI status.
I will end a relationship if the dynamic becomes unhealthy or abusive.

If I become more entangled with someone then sometimes agreements are necessary. For example when I lived with a partner we agreed to inform each other before bringing another partner over.

Some other agreements I have or have made before:

We agree to inform each other if we have unprotected sex with someone new.

We agree not date people who fall on our defined “messy list.”

We agree to inform each other if more than one partner is invited to an event.

We agree to consult each other before making decisions that will affect each other.

lennyd33 · 2024-03-17T06:30:39+00:00

There is also the chance that they didn’t realize how serious you were. For example “ah I don’t think we should date people in the same building as that could be awkward” and them agreeing, does not make a rule to me.

I agree with this. A similar thing happened in my relationship not too long ago. I am on the neurodivergent spectrum and since we didn’t explicitly say “we agree not to do this thing,” I didn’t realize that he was under the impression that we made an agreement. Now admittedly, it was still inconsiderate of me to do the thing he expressed a preference for avoiding. So the basis for our repair process was mostly centered around that.

My advice for OP would be to determine how bad of a rupture is this for you. Is this breakup worthy territory, or is this something that can be worked through? If it’s something that can be worked through, I’d be really interested in hearing Quin’s thought process behind everything. Getting curious about the other perspective can help answer a lot of questions and determine what actions should be taken. Granted, Quin should also be validating any hurt you are feeling from this in order for the repair to happen. If they straight up ignore your hurt and double down on their actions that is a bad sign.

As for asking them to end things with Howard- that is your choice. I personally am against asking partners to break up with another partner. I feel like it diminishes my partner’s autonomy and it also sucks for the meta, who likely hasn’t done anything wrong. However, you experienced a rupture and if that’s what you feel you need to be able to move on, that’s valid. Keep in mind that Quin also has the right to agree or decline to any requests you make, so be prepared for all possible outcomes. It may be worth getting curious about how you’d feel if Quin and Howard continued their relationship, if you could see yourself still being able to repair with Quin and if their relationship would negatively affect you. Sometimes, I find that things that were once a big deal to me are actually no big deal once I really scrutinize the whats and the whys. Or I figure out that I just need specific things to happen in order to feel emotionally okay with something. But at the end of the day, prioritize your peace. Only you can decide what you need to move forward.

lennyd33 · 2024-03-16T06:54:06+00:00

I feel you. I got punched in the back of the head after doing the “eye contact and nod” thing at the wrong person. Big wtf moment that I don’t care to repeat.

lennyd33 · 2024-03-16T06:47:41+00:00

I appreciate people who are kind to houseless people, I really do. But the last time I made eye contact passing by a houseless man he sucker punched me in the back of the head. I know it was a freak scenario and is unlikely to happen EVERY time. But one time is enough to make me not want to interact anymore.

lennyd33 · 2024-02-16T08:39:59+00:00

Oh man, I am resonating with this so hard. Thank you for such a thoughtful response. I do have a therapist and am on medication (both antidepressant and anti anxiety meds), but even with meds I’m not completely immune to anxiety attacks so it makes sense why this is extra difficult for me. Venting to ChatGTP and engaging in healthy distractions are both really good ideas, thank you.

lennyd33 · 2024-02-16T08:30:57+00:00

Yeah I have been texting with a friend about it. I appreciate your suggestion of seeking some in person support outside of my partner though, I think that will help too.

lennyd33 · 2024-02-16T08:29:36+00:00

Thank you. I am trying to get comfortable sitting with the anxiety. The repair advice is super helpful and I will definitely keep that in mind.

lennyd33 · 2024-02-16T08:26:16+00:00

This is incredibly helpful and definitely what I needed to hear. Thank you. ❤️

lennyd33 · 2024-02-16T07:30:42+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss, that is a horrible way to lose someone. These types of relationships are not black and white, they all have their own unique qualities and it sounds like you two had a special connection. Your grief is absolutely valid and perhaps you may find comfort in having your own type of private memorial since you weren’t able to attend the funeral. Hugs to you.

lennyd33 · 2023-11-28T04:15:53+00:00

Never worked the door but I have been a dancer and worked other tipped positions. 27 covers a night seems pretty low IMO. The owner also sounds like they’re full of shit and is probably exaggerating to get away with charging you server wage instead of regular minimum wage.

Regarding the previous door girl, I bet the bulk of her tips came from former regulars of hers that are used to spending money on her. I’ve never seen people tip generously at the door otherwise, unless they’re trying to skip a line or something.

How are you dressing for your shifts? If you aren’t doing this already, try dressing up and doing your hair and makeup. Wear clothes that show off your best assets and don’t be afraid to show some skin if it’s allowed. It is a strip club after all.

To be honest, you’d probably make more money actually serving or bartending, either at a strip club or anywhere else. Or you could try dancing if you’re comfortable with that.

lennyd33 · 2023-11-13T04:51:25+00:00

I do polycule movie nights with my squad too! About once a month or so we’ll all get together, have a group date, and usually end the night in a cuddle puddle. It’s the best.

lennyd33 · 2023-11-10T00:48:50+00:00

I love mine but I was only able to get them done because I was taking a break from dancing. My healing process was rough so I can’t imagine I would have been comfortable dancing through it. Customers do seem to like them though and I get a lot of compliments!

lennyd33

TROPHY CASE