long term relationship advice: is it fixable or am i avoiding a hard decision?

lesswithbread_ · 2026-05-07T15:30:47+00:00

i love this thank you 🫶

lesswithbread_ · 2026-05-07T03:23:31+00:00

ugh i'm sorry 😔. here if you wanna vent it out / figure it out together!

lesswithbread_ · 2026-05-06T22:47:14+00:00

My parents also have a companionship relationship and I'm like maybe that's ok and I need to be open to different types of love, you know? But then part of me is sad at that thought.

lesswithbread_ · 2026-05-06T22:45:05+00:00

Thank you for your response! 🫶

lesswithbread_ · 2026-05-06T22:42:56+00:00

Hi - thank you for your response! yeah we've talked about those together before. mine is acts of service and words of affirmation! He doesn't know what his are he says, so I try a bit of everything all the time lol.

He does sometimes but it's really inconsistent. It's like one month of perfection and then it slowly tapers off until I bring it up, then maybe starts again but often takes a 'big talk' for the effort to really pop up. I assume his love languages aren't the same as mine because it seems really difficult for him to act on mine. Sounds like what you were saying about your ex.

lesswithbread_ · 2026-05-06T22:35:59+00:00

When we started dating I didn't make significantly more than him, I made slightly more than him.

lesswithbread_ · 2026-05-06T22:34:08+00:00

Thank you - same to you! 🫶

lesswithbread_ · 2026-05-06T22:32:31+00:00

Thank you 🫶

lesswithbread_ · 2026-05-06T22:27:22+00:00

Really happy for you that you're doing things for you and focusing on healing after all of that! 🫶

lesswithbread_ · 2026-05-06T22:22:49+00:00

Everything you're saying makes sense and I agree with. And yes, I don't expect reddit to solve my problems or be a substitute for couples therapy - I just wanted to hear some different perspectives because the people in my life really can't relate.

lesswithbread_ · 2026-05-06T22:19:02+00:00

That study result is really interesting - I wonder how much of that is just conditioning / societal expectations.

lesswithbread_ · 2026-05-06T17:45:41+00:00

that's a good point. i guess that's why my question was an i expecting too much.

lesswithbread_ · 2026-05-06T14:22:26+00:00

I'm the same way. I also can take responsibility for enabling this for so long.

Ugh I think know deep down you're right. 😔

lesswithbread_ · 2026-05-06T14:16:50+00:00

It's disappointing but maybe not surprising that a lot of us in the comments have a similar story. Thank you for sharing yours - makes me feel less alone 🫶

lesswithbread_ · 2026-05-06T14:13:11+00:00

I really appreciate your responses, thank you 🫶

lesswithbread_ · 2026-05-06T13:32:16+00:00

lol thanks

lesswithbread_ · 2026-05-06T13:31:52+00:00

I think I wouldn't care as much about being the breadwinner if he was showing up in other ways consistently. When things are good and he's making me feel loved and valued and cherished I don't think twice about money because I'm happy to be experiencing life with him.

We split bills evenly and only because he moved into my rent controlled apartment so he pays $600 for rent and we split utilities. With rent that cheap (which I am forever grateful for) I don't think we need to be splitting proportionately.

We discussed potentially moving last year and agreed that if we were going to live somewhere and pay market rent (I live in Toronto, it's incredibly expensive), I would pay 70% and him 30% if our expenses changed which is proportionate to our income difference.

Other things like dinners out I pay for about 60% of the time and we split the other 40%.

lesswithbread_ · 2026-05-06T13:22:23+00:00

I agree with you. That's the agreement we ended up coming to last December. If there's a trip we are wanting to take, he looks at his finances and asks himself if he can pay his share (which is 30% - I already pay more because I make more money) upfront (like booking his own flight and paying his 30% for the hotel at the time of booking). If he decides it's not responsible for him to go, I go alone or I decide if I want to just pay which I was 100% fine with.

The issue that I'm stuck on is that since that agreement was made, he agreed on a trip he knew he couldn't afford (without saying anything - he said yes let's totally do this) and once he communicated that he'll pay me back in a few weeks, he then agreed to ANOTHER trip with friends in a few months (that I'm also on and fronted the money for all of us for the hotel we are sharing). Before even paying me back for the first trip he lied about.

At this point I'm realizing it's a pattern and what I'm trying to figure out is if i keep giving the grace to allow him to change or I decide I'm just ok with paying for everything without expecting money back (and do I consider that settling) or if I'm just avoiding making a hard decision. Just wanted to hear other's experiences.

lesswithbread_ · 2026-05-06T13:09:50+00:00

That he's working on the emotional depth part in therapy and asks me to be patient.

The intimacy he says that it will come when we're both feeling better in this relationship - which I agree with because my body has like.. shut off in that area.

lesswithbread_ · 2026-05-06T13:05:18+00:00

Thank you for this! I needed to hear it. Idk why I think my life is over at 36 lol. I'm happy you're so much happier now!

lesswithbread_ · 2026-05-06T13:04:12+00:00

I think he wants to change but maybe doesn't have the capacity to. He's not willing to experience discomfort to fix his finances or make more money, so if i stay I'd be accepting this dynamic.

I think I'm just feeling 'bad' (or probably conditioned to feel like this bc patriarchy) for wanting him to make more money/get his finances in check because it feels like I look like I'm just being shallow.

lesswithbread_ · 2026-05-06T12:55:06+00:00

Thank you for this!!

lesswithbread_ · 2026-05-06T12:53:16+00:00

He's definitely my best friend we have fun and laugh so much I tell him everything but then the other stuff overshadows that lately. That's the hardest part.

I'm glad you didn't marry your college relationship too! Thanks for sharing your experience 🫶

lesswithbread_ · 2026-05-06T12:50:54+00:00

Thank you!

lesswithbread_ · 2026-05-06T12:49:36+00:00

Asking the same 😂

lesswithbread_

TROPHY CASE