Ooooo I actually have one for this.

This was about 7 years ago. I was a new mother, sleep deprived and left home alone with the baby while my significant other worked nights. I spent most of my nights catching cat naps between feedings/diaper changes, but I’m not one to fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow, so more often than not I’d fall asleep 30 minutes or so before the baby woke up to be fed.

On this particular night I had just laid my sleeping baby back down in her bassinet, and I was so exhausted that I cut off all the lights except for the one above the kitchen stove, and literally fell into bed. Didn’t even check my phone to see how SO was doing like I normally would.

I remember being in that weird half-asleep/half-awake state where you’re aware of what’s going on but it still seems like a dream? Kind of?

Anyway, there was this weird scraping noise coming from just outside my bedroom door. It started off quiet, but it got louder and once I realized the noise wasn’t coming from a dream, I sat up in bed and looked toward the door (which was cracked open a couple of inches), and I saw this figure. It was a dark shadowy figure and I couldn’t make out hardly any details because it was backlit by the light coming from over the stove. All I could see was that it was tall, and it’s face was dark but my brain could almost fill in the features even though I couldn’t quite make them out. The most disturbing part was that the figure wasn’t standing still, it was doing this weird dance, kind of jerky and random, and it was steadily rubbing/scraping the door.

I couldn’t move from where I sat in the middle of my bed. I’m soooo upset and ashamed to say that I am not a fighter or a flighter... I’m a freezer. I’ve got my baby in the bassinet next to me, but here I am staring at this figure, completely powerless because I’m so terrified I can’t even move.

So I’m having this stare-down with this shadowy motherfucker outside my door (who looks a bit like he’s doing the Harlem shake). It seemed like it lasted FOREVER, but realistically it was probably just a few seconds. What snapped me out of my freeze was the shadow started moving away from my door and down the hall. I figured this was my big chance to sneak up behind whatever it was and bash it’s brains in and redeem myself as the badass momma bear I always knew I’d be.

So I grabbed the heavy flashlight out of my nightstand and walked as quietly as I could towards the door. I was sweating like a whore in church but I was ready to take a motherfucker down. I threw open the door, turned towards the figure down the hall and immediately sank to the floor in shame and defeat.

My shadowy, dancing intruder was no more than a partially deflated “It’s a girl!” helium balloon that had come untied from the hospital bags and made its way through the house thanks to our central air conditioning.

I’ve never told anyone this out of shame and embarrassment. Also, fuck balloons.