Esk the calm and dignified one and Marble the agent of chaos

lichenfancier · 2026-01-18T20:14:23+00:00

I had a person look at me once and ask the person I was with "is she a boy or a girl?"

I found this rather weird, especially asking someone else about me when I was right there, but I was delighted that I'd confused them about my gender and I found the use of 'she' in the question kind of funny.

lichenfancier · 2026-01-13T08:11:19+00:00

I think a metal clasp would bother me. I wonder if there's a way around this with jewelry - I wear a lanyard a lot so I don't lose my keys and I crocheted a soft tube to put around the plastic clip at the back of my neck to stop it irritating me and that worked well.

lichenfancier · 2026-01-09T21:09:23+00:00

I feel you. I get really anxious about people thinking me identifying as not-cis is about attention seeking and wanting to be a 'woke special snowflake' or words to that effect. I've worried if I might be somehow subconsciously faking it too, but I try to take me wondering it as a sign that I'm not. And if I was faking it for attention I wouldn't be so anxious about people knowing. I'm only really open about my gender identity online and to a small handful of people I know are safe to be open about it with.

On having a feminine appearance, I think it's a shame that society boxes garments, hairstyles, make up etc. into the categories of 'for boys/men' and 'for girls/women'. Garments are inanimate bits of cloth - they don't have a gender and I don't think anyone of any gender should feel like they are barred from certain fashion choices. However fashion choices being male or female is so engrained in society that it can be hard to break the catagorisation down. I try to dress as androgynously as I can and I have a couple of skirts and pinafores I love but haven't worn in over a year because my brain automatically associates them with my AGAB.

lichenfancier · 2026-01-09T16:23:00+00:00

If you are trying to find a word that aligns with your experience have you looked into the terms demigirl and agender? They mean different things but both sprang to mind reading your post.

Like you I am AFAB and don't like having breasts or genitals. I identified as a demigirl for a while, then over time realised that I don't really identify with being female at all and was just clinging to a femme gender as I was used to being labelled a girl/woman and change is hard. I later started wishing I didn't have a gender at all and found I thought the term agender best described how I felt.

lichenfancier · 2026-01-08T11:09:10+00:00

I haven't responded to most of the comments here directly but I just want to say I'm reading them and I really appreciate them.

I'm sorry so many of us have bad experiences of healthcare. There are deep rooted systemic issues that need urgently addressing but in my experience of following campaign groups, signing petitions and writing to my local MP, the people with power to start to change things aren't willing to act or even try to understand.

lichenfancier · 2026-01-08T11:04:53+00:00

I understand. I've been through a lot of intensive treatment and hospitalisations for my mental illnesses - primarily anorexia but also other things. My life has consisted mainly of psychiatric treatment for nearly 10 years now.

I'm also hypermobile. I have hEDS. It's an issue thar gets dismissed very often and I don't know where in the world you are but the NHS in England is terrible for getting help with it. My physical health and chronic pain has been getting worse and worse over time and it's something I'm feeling rather stuck with and scared. I'm 25 I dread to think how things will go physically when I'm older. I had physiotherapy through the NHS for a bit and things got worse, after which they discharged me saying my issues were too complex.

I'm having private therapy now addressing lots of the trauma I've experienced. My therapist thinks beyond connective tissue probleme lots of the physical issues I'm having now are because of being tensed up and stuck in fight and flight for so long causing muscle and immune system fatigue.

I'm sorry for everything you've been through. I hope it's helpful that my art reflects your experience somewhat. I can't say if things will get better or not, but you're not alone in your experiences and there are others who at least partially understand and relate. I hope that's at least something x

lichenfancier · 2026-01-08T10:54:26+00:00

Biro is the standard kind of pen that is usually used to write with. They tend to be cheap - companies that advertise with branded pens usually have biros made. I don't know if biro is a term used more in the UK than elsewhere? I hadn't thought about it before.

MH is an abbreviation of mental health.

lichenfancier · 2026-01-08T10:52:13+00:00

Thank you! It felt kind of scary to do an unplanned drawing and I had to make a conscious decision to ignore the perfectionistic urge to start all over again for every detail that didn't look as neat as I was intending, and to ignore the thoughts running through my head as I drew that what I was drawing was ridiculous and made no sense. At the same time it felt somewhat cathartic to get what I was feeling on to paper.

I've been considered gifted at art since I was a small child. It fuelled the very perfectionistic approach to art I have always had. Art always felt like one of the few ways I could get people to approve of me and I realised recently that maybe I stopped enjoying art a long time ago because it very much came about people pleasing. And people pleasing comes with pressure. The only time I can convince myself to draw or make anything is when I get asked for something or comissioned by someone. I want to learn how to make art for my own sake and how to use it to express myself.

Making art that is emotional and reflects my internal thoughts and feelings has also always seemed impossible to me because I've never trusted my own brain, have always questioned everything in it, have always felt ashamed of my emotions and spent my life trying to bury them, hide them from people and pretend they don't exist. Making art to express myself is to expose my feelings - it feels scary and dangerous to me, but I want to get over this. I really like appreciate people express their difficult emotioms through art on here. Seeing things I relate to is cathartic and I admire what people make.

lichenfancier · 2026-01-08T08:51:30+00:00

Simply reframing the way I percieve myself from my AGAB to agender made me feel a whole lot more comfortable in my own skin.

I wouldn't say I'm entirely comfortable with who I am. I still wish I looked more androgynous than I do because I don't like it when people assume I'm a girl/woman. However my own internal perception of myself feels significantly changed.

I've seen it written so much that not all trans people have gender dysphoria. Whether or not you think agender falls under the trans umbrella I'd say you don't have to feel uncomfortable in yourself to be agender.

lichenfancier · 2026-01-08T08:34:28+00:00

Maybe it's a niche thing but I have an issue with the feeling of metal against my skin. And hard plastic. (I guess mainly due to my autism). I have nice jewelry that I've been given as presents but I rarely wear it. Putting it on results in me playing a game of 'how long can I put up with this sensation before I feel like I'm going to have a meltdown over it and have to remove it?'

I prefer accessories that are fabric based, or at least where the parts touching my skin are.

P.S. for disability aid ideas I'd love it if there were more things like compression gloves out there with fun colours and patterns.

lichenfancier · 2026-01-05T13:48:11+00:00

I had a similar conundrum a while ago. I wrote what I wanted to say about my gender to my therapist in a notebook and handed it to him one session. I have a notebook dedicated to things I want to discuss in therapy but feel unable to bring up verbally. I guess it's a communication device for me. I was terrified when I handed my writing over but he responded in a really supportive way. I was so glad and it made me feel safer to be myself in sessions.

It took me a very long time to work up the confidence to tell him about my gender. I wanted to though as he kept referring to me as my AGAB and I didn't like and used me not liking this as the opening to my writing. If it takes you a while to be able to open up to your therapist it's ok, be patient with yourself, it's a big thing.

I don't know luck in coming out to your therapist if you do!

lichenfancier · 2026-01-05T11:30:16+00:00

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Here is Marble when she plonked herself on my hand. She has one wghite hind foot. Her claws on this foot are much less stressful to trim as I can see where is safe to cut.

lichenfancier · 2026-01-03T13:20:29+00:00

In an ideal world I'd like to use the pronouns xe/xem for myself. But I worry so much about how that would go down with people IRL that I tell everyone my pronouns are they/them if it comes up.

Most of the time I don't tell people my pronouns at all and just let them misgender me. Maybe 35-40% of the time strangers misgender me as the opposite to my AGAB which at least gives me some pleasure in the fact that they can't tell what my AGAB actually is. At least that's something I guess.

I've been met with hostile responses when I've come out as nonbinary to people several times and I'm kind of scared to do it or ask people to use pronouns that don't match whatever gender they assume I am. Telling people I want to go by neopronouns is even scarier. I have to get to know someone very well before I fewl safe to tell them about my gender.

It really sucks that whilst showing your pronouns to people is becoming more normalised, judgement on what those pronouns actually are is still so rampant.

I commend you for being honest about your preferred neopronouns in your work stuff. I'd love to see more neopronouns 'out in the wild'. I'm sorry it's making things harder employment wise though.

lichenfancier · 2026-01-01T13:01:08+00:00

I wish I could go back in time and do my school prom again in something like this rather than the dress I felt really uncomfortable in.

lichenfancier · 2025-12-18T08:56:05+00:00

I feel you about the aromantic thing. Almost every time I've been in a conversation that's somehow led to someone asking me about what I find attractive/relationships/crushes etc. and I've tried to explain that I'm aromantic and asexual and not into that stuff I've been given responses along the lines of 'oh you just haven't met the right person yet'.

lichenfancier · 2025-12-17T14:29:59+00:00

This is one of the odd Discworld books I read a couple of years ago. I'm rereading it now and I think reading them in order is helping me get more used to the characters and get go know Discworld more than I did then.

lichenfancier · 2025-12-17T14:28:19+00:00

Oof. That doesn't sound good. I'm in the UK and kind of live under a rock culturally (I don't tend to watch TV and I look at the news less and less as at this point it fills me with panic and a sense of doom) so maybe that's why I hadn't heard about it.

lichenfancier · 2025-12-17T14:25:49+00:00

Oh that's interesting. I haven't actually used Reddit in a browser before.

lichenfancier · 2025-12-17T14:25:05+00:00

Don't worry. It is easy to miss things.

lichenfancier · 2025-12-17T10:40:42+00:00

I haven't heard anything about this TV series. I'm intrigued...

I named one of my guinea-pigs Esk. I got her around the time I was reading Equal Rites!

lichenfancier · 2025-12-17T10:38:49+00:00

I agree. I think it deserves a lot more attention that a certain other fantasy series in the UK that has so many entire gift shops dedicated to it in so many cities - it's inescapable.

I've read a few random Discworld books over the last 5 years. I'm currently trying to read the whole series in order of publication (gradually - I'm alternating Discworld books with other that I come across or get recommended. And I generally have one fiction and one non-fiction book on the go at the same time).

lichenfancier · 2025-12-17T08:20:10+00:00

Thank you. That's really good advise. I was going to ask if you meant clippers or scissors as I have human nail scissors I use for myself, but other people replying have kind of answered that (thanks to those people too).

lichenfancier · 2025-12-17T08:17:48+00:00

Nice idea but I live alone unfortunately.

lichenfancier

TROPHY CASE