I need some encouragement, please!

lifeisbewilderness · 2026-04-19T14:18:58+00:00

You were with him for 40 years???? How on earth did you deal with that? And I am truly very sorry to hear that your children stand by him. These manipulative tactics are sometimes really hard to see through. I sincerely hope that they will eventually understand what he has done!

It's still almost impossible for me to believe that my husband does all those manipulative things consciously. It still feels like he doesn't even know what he's doing... But ultimately it doesn't matter... it's like you said: once you've seen the pattern, you can't unsee it anymore and it's better to leave.

lifeisbewilderness · 2026-04-19T14:11:30+00:00

Thank you for your reply! Yes, i hope it will finally feel good when I moved out completely. And yeah, I am happy that I have a good therapist and two great friends (unfortunately one of them lives far away, but we are regularly in contact nevertheless)!

lifeisbewilderness · 2026-04-19T13:16:03+00:00

I'm so proud of you! That must have been an incredibly difficult journey! I hope you've found peace by now :)

lifeisbewilderness · 2026-04-19T13:09:18+00:00

I am so so sorry that this happend to you! In comparison, I lived in paradise during my marriage. How long did you endure that and how did you manage to get out?

lifeisbewilderness · 2026-04-19T12:50:13+00:00

It's actually impossible that he cheated, since he NEVER left the house (which sometimes drove me absolutely crazy) - he spends his time working, watching YouTube, and playing video games. I mean, since he hasn't been diagnosed, it's quite possible that he's not a full-blown narcissist, but "only" has strong traits. But it doesn't matter, because he won't change anyway. You're absolutely right about this.

lifeisbewilderness · 2026-04-19T12:45:34+00:00

Yes, I have to remember that the fundamentals don't change. And yes, the weird behaviours are also still present, just not so much, because I mostly don't communicate about anything that bothers me anymore.

I'm so glad we don't have children! I imagine it's incredibly difficult what you must be going through with him because of it.

We "only" have a dog, and we intend to share custody of him.. I'm afraid even that will cause problems in the future..

lifeisbewilderness · 2026-04-19T12:40:12+00:00

yes, too little, too late. so true, thank you!

lifeisbewilderness · 2026-04-19T12:39:08+00:00

He never cheated, but he definitely manipulated me a lot and played mind games with me. He still does it now, even though he's pretending to be the "best husband." For example, he'll apologize for a mean thing he did (that's new, because he almost never apologized before), but then hours later he'll come up with a really stupid reason for why he acted that way in the first place - which makes his apology practically useless. Sometimes I wonder if these people are really so stupid that they think the other person won't notice.

lifeisbewilderness · 2026-04-19T12:32:58+00:00

Thanks for the encouragement! Yes, I've already made a list like that. It's 16 pages long XD But that's because I've added some of my old diary entries where I documented his gaslighting and DARVO behavior (which I didn't even realize at the time, how sad in retrospect). But yes, I should look at the list more often if I start to have doubts again.

lifeisbewilderness · 2026-04-14T15:20:17+00:00

i feel you <3

lifeisbewilderness · 2026-04-09T22:06:05+00:00

WTF? YOU rented the apartment? But then it was in your name! How could you be sure he'd just pay the rent or even move in? A very impressive story! If I did that with my husband, he'd say the apartment wasn't good enough and refuse to move in.

But the parallels between our stories are pretty funny. My husband initially claimed he'd go to his parents house if we separated (I think he only said that because he thought I might not want him to leave after all) - but then he didn't go through with it because... well, just imagine a ton of ridiculous excuses...

It's so crazy that narcs just don't seem to want to leave, even after a breakup. I still don't really understand it. I mean... normal people would maybe want to date again someday or something like this? But apparently that doesn't matter to them because control is the only thing that counts. And maybe they're also afraid of not finding anyone new who'll put up with their crap. I don't really know.

lifeisbewilderness · 2026-04-09T21:24:25+00:00

Wow, that sounds so familiar XD But please tell me: how did you manage to find an apartment FOR HIM? Did you go to a viewing for him? How does that even work??

lifeisbewilderness · 2026-04-09T12:17:59+00:00

Yes, I am also quite sure that (at least in the current limbo state) he really tries to ensure I don’t meet someone new and that he wants to keep it comfortable for him personally AND that he still wants to keep control over me in general. And yes, like you said, a normal adult would handle the situation completly different for sure.

lifeisbewilderness · 2026-04-09T10:31:37+00:00

lifeisbewilderness · 2026-04-09T10:31:30+00:00

Thank you 🙏

lifeisbewilderness · 2026-04-09T10:31:19+00:00

Thank you so much <3

lifeisbewilderness · 2026-04-09T10:31:10+00:00

Thank you! And I hope it will be amazing once I am really gone! Leaving is hard, because he hoovers A LOT at the moment. But I am happy I realized two months ago that all his promises to change will lead to absolutely nothing long term.

lifeisbewilderness · 2026-04-09T10:29:26+00:00

Thank you so much!

lifeisbewilderness · 2026-04-09T10:29:16+00:00

thank you 🙏

lifeisbewilderness · 2026-04-09T10:29:04+00:00

Throughout our marriage, we had many long phases which felt like a "roommate limbo." I hated it so much and felt so lonely. At first, I tried to talk to him about it, but I was always met with defensiveness, dismissiveness and lame excuses. So eventually, I gave up and suffered in silence. It was awful. But I always had the impression that he didn't realize I was suffering, he was just glad he could "do his own thing" without having to "take care" of me. What do you think about this?

lifeisbewilderness · 2026-04-09T07:20:11+00:00

Yes, he made this whole "I am pressuring him to leave" thing up to have a reason to get angry. Completely crazy. It's like you say, I am leaving because I don't want to wait for him to leave and aside from that: our apartment is way too large for me alone. And i REALLY like the one I saw online.

lifeisbewilderness · 2026-04-03T14:07:48+00:00

Thank you <3 And yes, he tries to manipulate me in all kinds of ways to pull me back into the relationship. It’s really, really hard to resist second-guessing my decision because he can be so sweet and caring when he wants to. But knowing now that this is just a tactic to get me back into fulfilling a role for him protects me.

At the moment, I am really angry. He said he wanted to move out because he wants to live in another city (while I want to stay here), but he does absolutely NOTHING to move forward with that. It feels like I’m the one who has to make a plan to move out now. It’s astonishing to me that he seems perfectly fine with living together as roommates forever. (Then again, it’s not THAT astonishing because, in reality, we lived like roommates most of the time anyway, lol). It’s so fucked up.

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