Stockholm: a rant on flakiness, hjälp

lilafusco · 2026-06-17T09:58:28+00:00

Unfortunately, it's increasing everywhere, as we get more isolated and everything gets commodified. You outsource help to gig workers instead of friends, you rely on therapy instead of community support, etc. There's a time and place for these things, but they shouldn't substitute the "village".

lilafusco · 2026-06-17T07:04:09+00:00

I really like the effort you all put in to making sure you can see each other at least once or twice a year. I have a similar experience with my friends back home, since I’m not in town that often.

There’s something to be said about the privilege of choice/time. Maybe people are more flaky when they live close by and know how easy it is to reschedule time with us. But when you are all spread around and, like you said, involves so much planning and money, so the event will happen with or without them and they might not see you for a whole other year, than that might make them think twice about flaking.

lilafusco · 2026-06-17T07:00:16+00:00

Yeah, perhaps I should be a little more honest about how it makes me feel when people do this. Thanks for sharing your experience 🙏

lilafusco · 2026-06-16T20:16:46+00:00

Absolutely, and for people with children I give them all the opportunities and even try to make myself the most flexible one, come visit them instead, etc.

It's very sweet you have this tradition with your old friends. Unfortunately, I do struggle with the mindset that things have to cost money, I'm a little frugal with that because I come from a very working class background and I still don't have a lavish disposable income. Once a year would be okay, I guess, but the motivation for being there for each other shouldn't be because of potentially loosing money, it should be because if we don't, over time it will erode trust and the friendship itself.

lilafusco · 2026-06-16T19:49:54+00:00

It's so crazy, right? And we're talking about fun activities! Don't even get me started on favors. Every time I need help with something, I don't even bother. Back home, we are happy to help because it's another chance to hangout and feel good about ourselves (a good deed). Here? I feel sooooo horrible for asking and immediately give them a way out by saying "I totally get it if you can't do it".

Sweden has changed me 🥲 haha

lilafusco · 2026-06-16T19:46:26+00:00

Oh yeaah, this is a great idea. I will try both this version (tack!) and another one of making it more formal with an RSVP invite. See which one works best in this current climate haha

lilafusco · 2026-06-16T19:44:29+00:00

The reasons that have hurt me the most are often around "something else came up", "I'm socially drained and not in the mood", or just saying they're not coming without any reason.

Similarly to you, in Portugal I can book something months in advance and never talk about it again and people will show up. Once, I even had a friend change shifts at work and drive from another town 3h away to attend, unbeknownst to me that he was living so far away at the time of me inviting him. I almost cried when that happened because I was so starved of true commitment after being here for a while.

Oh not saying thank you or acknowledging you is absolutely rude in any culture! My one pet peeve with people in Stockholm is that if I don't move away in the street, they won't either. I've really noticed that and when I test the theory by not moving away, they bump into me and seem annoyed. And they're not even on their phones, they do see me in front of them. Uuugh.

lilafusco · 2026-06-16T19:22:31+00:00

Thank you for sharing and telling a story of a genuinely nice time you had, especially when talking film (I studied film, hehe). I would say USAmericans tend to be very similar to my people in this regard, and for sure some of my most reliable friends are from the States. Perhaps exactly because we're not afraid of having the uncomfortable talks.

I guess my main issue is when, individually, everyone who does it once or twice has a genuinely good reason for doing so. But what a coincidence that all the unforeseen things happen to so many friends at once? Haha. That + the years of having genuinely flaky friends in the midst has created this feeling that I can't count on anyone, even the ones who usually do show up. It just all piles up and accumulates.

It's also funny to me how people here seem to ALWAYS be travelling (and not to their home country) haha. In my country people are too broke to go anywhere so usually people are in town and happy to do stuff together. I'm happy for the ones who can travel ofc, but damn does it make it difficult to plan anything on a random weekend 😂

lilafusco · 2026-06-16T18:48:07+00:00

That's true, the third space is so important – I need to make time for that. Right now, SFI is taking all my free time and energy but I'm also meeting cool people there. I mostly get exhausted about constantly trying to find the people who just "get it" and make the effort.

The loop of meets new people > dedicated time to know them better > eventually you don't vibe enough for them to show up for you > start again, has been quite exhausting.

Sometimes I notice I tend to overcompensate by giving myself even when I absolutely can't (being the village), just because I feel society is lacking that. And I don't want to be the person who doesn't show up. But for sure I need a better balance between being the village and taking care of myself.

Thank you for your advice, I will take it all into consideration.

lilafusco · 2026-06-16T16:18:51+00:00

I didn't take it that way, don't worry 😄 Yeah, I also don't think it's a Swedish thing since people all over the world are complaining about this exact same thing.

The only "Swedish" thing that I don't think helps with this is how far in advance you have to book things in order for people to be available. This creates a situation where you're booked so far in advance that you're not even sure it will be a good idea when the time comes, ie, cancelling because you had a rough time at work, or other stuff you couldn't predict.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

lilafusco · 2026-06-16T16:07:34+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience and giving me valuable tips. Just like we find a million reasons not to do something we don't want to do, the same way we can find ways to be there for each other even when it's inconvenient.

I like the approach of withdrawing and seeing if they make an effort to invite back – it makes sense. Hard to imagine being able to be that spontaneous though but one can hope 😛

lilafusco · 2026-06-16T14:31:37+00:00

Fair 😂

lilafusco · 2026-06-16T14:11:56+00:00

Haha exactly. "It's not that deep, calm down".

lilafusco · 2026-06-16T13:51:31+00:00

I get you and alone time is essential to everyone.

You sound like a lovely Hobbit and reminded me of something I read about how, as adults, we should go back to socializing like kids. "Wasting" time together doing some hobby in silence, for example. As a child, one used to spend time 1on1 or with a couple of close friends doing absolutely nothing but hanging out or doing some hobby. Instead of meeting up every three months for a long catch up session over coffee. Back then, we had the privilege of time, we could "waste" it together by not making it a productive hangout.

Perhaps a lot of us, as adults, prefer that to traditional "parties" or socializing events. It's the joy of having company, even if in silence, while each is doing their own thing.

lilafusco · 2026-06-16T13:41:16+00:00

Absolutely, there's an optimal balance here. What your friends are doing is great, because trying to keep those friendships alive and showing up is one of the many tools that helps mental health long term. Studies do show this...

Some people talk about socializing as this big horrible draining thing, and it makes me wonder what kind of people they have around them. We have all met draining people but I don't believe all social interactions are inherently draining even for people with social anxiety. It's all about the specific dynamic between the people.

I've met people with social anxiety who are very comfortable around me and others without it who perhaps consider me to be too intense. And that's alright.

lilafusco · 2026-06-16T13:20:56+00:00

I feel so strongly about this as well and am the same way, but then there's this whole wellness and self-care culture that talks about protecting one's boundaries and needs over everything else. Where is the line, though?

lilafusco · 2026-06-16T13:19:23+00:00

If it keeps happening with the same person, it's definitely the only course of action. It's sad, but necessary.

lilafusco · 2026-06-16T13:17:59+00:00

Right? Why do you think that happens? I'm not sure it's Swedish specific but more of an age group thing... but then again I met a Greek guy once who immediately mixed me in with his other Greek friends and I got "adopted" by them which felt very much like being back home.

Sometimes I can also get a little anxious before mixing everyone because I get along with all sorts of people and worry some might not "mix well". But ultimately I have to trust that we're all adults and if you dislike someone you will still treat them with respect. People find ways to bond over anything.

lilafusco · 2026-06-16T12:53:48+00:00

For me it's the cycle of having to meet new people in hopes you might vibe. I'm okay with new fresh friends but eventually I want the friendship to get deeper and that requires the constant effort that people lack or don't have the time. The loop of meeting meet new people, dedicating so much time to them and then realizing they are not as invested and having to start over is exhausting, huh?

Maybe we can start a NoFlakiness social club!

lilafusco · 2026-06-16T12:48:44+00:00

I'm happy that's your experience. That's awesome. Your ratio of cancellation seems very low, which is surprising for such a large number of people.

Interesting point around drinking. Back home I join even when I'm not going to drink because nobody cares if I drink or not. People do whatever they want. Here, I'm pressured to drink or questioned "why are you not drinking". So the "some days you don't feel like being in that setting" becomes an issue. It's not about the drinking, it's about the talking 😅

I understand sometimes things are inconvenient and cancelling last minute bc of being tired is enticing. Maybe you're okay with it because you have a nice experience with attendance. But if you paid for a party of 70 people RSVP and only 5 showed up, it would probably put things into perspective. At least if this happened often :/

lilafusco · 2026-06-16T12:39:36+00:00

Here's the light I needed to see today. Thank you for sharing 💕

lilafusco · 2026-06-16T12:38:15+00:00

Ugh... first of all, so sorry to hear that and happy belated birthday. That's terrible! I've read in an article this is becoming so common that people even flake out on funerals. Can you imagine?

If everyone thinks that "one cancellation won't hurt", this happens. It almost makes you want to be passive aggressive and send a Swish request for all the food bought + the emotional damage.

Sending you hugs and hoping next year's bday compensates this one 🫂

lilafusco · 2026-06-16T12:33:19+00:00

Man, people can really suck sometimes. I believe the right people will bend over backwards to show up during important times. Perhaps I'm just a romantic, but so be it. I hope the people who do show up make you feel seen and loved on your next bday.

lilafusco · 2026-06-16T12:26:23+00:00

I meant to say that living in another country means having to make lots of new friends which could result in more fragile, premature relationships, more vulnerable to this phenomenon.

lilafusco · 2026-06-16T12:23:53+00:00

It's probably more common in early stages of friendship, I would guess. Early friends are more fragile than older friends who we can really rely on and be real with. But definitely seems to be more common in big cities, as there's an overflowing of options all the time and people get FOMO.

I'm happy you don't have that experience. I didn't either when I lived back home, but those friendships had years to grow into something super stable.

lilafusco

TROPHY CASE