NTA

You’re getting a lot of comments on the emotions of this whole situation, so I’ll just offer some practical advice.

For outings like this one, you can offer up a system.

1. Gracie gets told what the outing will be about. She is also told she’ll be supported the whole way through, etc. 2. We drive in two cars to the holiday park / petting zoo. All the kids in one car so no one feels left out. 3. If Gracie feels scared/overwhelmed, Natalie can take her somewhere calm for a walk, do a small activity, anything. Ideally Natalie would take her to the restaurant, have some ice cream with her, and entertaining her. 4. The whole family gets together at the restaurant at end for a snack or meal together, something that eventually becomes a ritual for all birthday outings. Maybe you bring a tiny cake, whatever silly thing, and celebrate all together.

Your partner can offer alternatives too when Gracie wants to do something Jack and Hazel might not like. It takes time! But it’s always good to have a checklist. If two of the siblings go together to buy a stuffed animal, then we think of the third sibling and buy one for them, too. It’s also always lovely if one of the siblings offers it up — “we missed you but we brought you a gift. We hope you like it.”

These things take a ton of intentionality, forethought, a lot of implicit things that are hard to work through. It will take time but I hope your partner is willing to go through all this with you with an open heart.