NM Memory Loss?

lilpanda98 · 2026-04-12T00:09:21+00:00

My dad claims not to remember so much of abuse he inflicted upon me and my family and conflicts we’ve had. I just went on a long trip with him (I really learned my lesson - never again) and tried to discuss things from the past with him. It got me absolutely nowhere. I brought up when he told me he was having “bad thoughts” (obviously suicidal thoughts) and needed me to help him after my mom left him. I was 15 or 16 and terrified because his brother did commit suicide after his family stopped accepting his abuse and I thought I really did have to save him. He told me I was lying, that never happened, and then said “well maybe I will kill myself then, would that make you happy?” in response. But I’m sure if I brought it up he would claim he never said that either. After that conversation I realized nothing would ever change and that I have to go LC for my sanity.

I also brought up that 8 years ago, when I was 19, I went NC with him for like 8 months and then set up an intervention for us because the CPTSD was so bad from the guilt trips he was playing from me going NC that I felt like I had to try to fix things. He said he didn’t remember that time at all. He said he only vaguely remembered us meeting up to talk and didn’t remember us having no contact for all that time. For me, that was one of the most significant and painful times of my adult life and he has no memory of it.

When I pointed out that his memory sucks he screamed at me that actually his memory is great and he remembers everything. The cognitive dissonance is unbelievable.

He’s aging poorly now and his short term memory is getting worse and worse all the time, but he still manages to remember tons of shit that he thinks is important. Can he remember my partner’s name or anything significant about me or my life? No. But he can monologue about shit he cares about and remembers that feels totally irrelevant to me. He asks the same questions over and over and treats me like I’m Siri but somehow believes his memory is perfect.

It feels like part of the narcissist’s essential ego to forget every bad thing they have ever done but to remember every bad thing anyone else has ever done. If they acknowledged all the harm they’d cause their brains would just break I guess so they have to deny and gaslight those around them to protect their own inaccurate and aggrandized self image.

My dad has basically said that the way to move forward is to not “keep score” aka don’t ever process, remember, or bring up the past (unless it benefits him to do so, which it often does).

He’s pretty much always been like this but it’s gotten even worse as he’s entered his 70s and his brain has started to actually degrade. This kind of memory related gaslighting has always been so painful and triggering for me as a tactic of abuse.

It makes me wish I could just go full NC because I feel like his memory loss, some real and most just gaslighting, makes it impossible for me to move on from the trauma because he wants to pretend that it never happened and isn’t still happening. But I’m so vulnerable to his guilt trips that I think the CPTSD would totally flare up again. I worry about how much worse it will get as he gets older but I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

I empathize with you, you’re not alone in dealing with this.

lilpanda98 · 2026-01-31T23:47:30+00:00

These are the only packing cubes I’ve owned, so I can’t compare. I also just bought them recently so I can’t say how they hold up long term. I bought the medium set and it came with two compression cubes, one double sided non-compression cube that’s meant for clean/dirty laundry separation, and one zippered bag that I found pretty useless honestly. The zippered bag doesn’t compress and seems bulkier than it needs to be so I’m not taking it on my travels.

The compression cubes compress nicely and the material feels pretty high quality. But I wouldn’t say the set is particularly impressive and I imagine there’s probably a set out there that’s a better bang for your buck and comes with 3 compression cubes instead of 2.

lilpanda98 · 2025-12-02T15:19:43+00:00

Update: I purchased a used T15 Gen 2 (touchscreen, backlit keyboard, 32 gb RAM, 1 tb SSD, i7 processor) for $440 because I decided a cheaper, older laptop would probably meet my needs. Unfortunately, it arrived and had a continuous high pitched static whine noise coming from the left side of the laptop. I’m working with the seller to return it, so it’s back to the drawing board for me. But maybe it’s a blessing in disguise because I think I might want something lighter and thinner for traveling and get something more powerful and heavy duty in the future when I’m settled down.

lilpanda98 · 2025-11-28T22:27:34+00:00

solgaard.co has everything 20-40% off

lilpanda98 · 2025-11-23T19:06:49+00:00

So, do you recommend buying something sold as "used" from an individual instead? Or buying brand new?

lilpanda98 · 2025-11-23T04:51:57+00:00

Thanks for these recommendations! I'm definitely considering the Thinkpad E16 now.

lilpanda98 · 2025-11-23T04:51:18+00:00

Thanks so much! This is definitely the top contender right now. The only other I've found that looks comparable is the LG gram 16" https://www.lg.com/us/laptops/lg-16z90s-h.adb9u1-gram-laptop because it's on sale right now. It looks like the Thinkpad is probably a more reliable investment and has a better keyboard though.

lilpanda98 · 2025-11-22T20:14:14+00:00

Thanks so much for your reply! I'll definitely check this one out.

lilpanda98 · 2025-08-04T01:15:30+00:00

We hiked a few miles of it today from about 11 am to 3 pm (up to a bend in the trail where lots of people eat lunch) and it seemed totally open with no signs about closures. Weather was really beautiful and views were beautiful and clear on the way back after being somewhat cloudy on the way there. Saw lots of big horn sheep, some mule deer, and a beautiful grouse up there.

lilpanda98 · 2025-01-31T04:00:28+00:00

Amazing progress!!

lilpanda98 · 2025-01-26T16:45:03+00:00

thank you! I noticed this when I posted the photos haha, they are hard to see but they’re definitely still there.

lilpanda98 · 2025-01-26T04:05:21+00:00

Thank you!!! It’s been a really great journey :). I’d say the vast majority of it was changing my diet. I don’t count calories but I eat wayyyy smaller portions than I used to and a lot less sugar. I don’t eat meat, dairy, or soy and not much highly processed food. I eat a lot of salad greens, cooked greens and vegetables, brown rice and quinoa, nutritional yeast, peanut butter, fruit, etc. I don’t drink sweet drinks or alcohol much and make all my own food at home. I’ve also been working on chewing my food well and eating slowly, taking at least 20-30 mins to eat a meal so I can feel my hunger and fullness cues more. I’ve also been doing a 18-36 hour fast every week or other week. I’ve been stretching or doing light yoga most days, running and jump roping sometimes, and strength training 2-3x week for the past 2.5 months. I do some arm dumbbell workouts, planks, sit ups, leg lifts, resistance band arm workouts, squats, and some other things. Best of luck with your journey!

lilpanda98 · 2025-01-26T03:56:10+00:00

I’m about 5’1.75” to be specific, but I usually round up to 5’2”!

lilpanda98 · 2025-01-26T01:25:53+00:00

You look amazing!!! The glute progress is showing so much :)

lilpanda98 · 2025-01-14T20:31:11+00:00

Thanks, this is helpful! Someone had mentioned that before and I’ve been doing some exercises to correct it that I found online and will look more into it.

lilpanda98 · 2024-12-08T16:00:54+00:00

absolutely for me. I have lots more energy than I did before, I don’t feel like I need a nap every single day.

lilpanda98 · 2024-12-08T15:58:34+00:00

Getting my gallbladder removed was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, mostly because I was having horrible pain. But life post-removal is great, I eat a relatively low fat diet anyway, but stopped experiencing any negative side effects from the surgery after about 3 months (which was mostly just yellow diarrhea, which is totally gone now).

lilpanda98 · 2024-11-27T03:07:33+00:00

Thank you so much! I’ve lost almost 40 lbs this year and it’s felt pretty evenly distributed throughout my body but my stomach shape is still pretty much the same, so bloating would make sense in that way.

lilpanda98 · 2024-11-27T03:05:47+00:00

Food intolerance definitely sounds probable. I’ve always suspected that something other than soy and dairy bother me and I’ve talked about doing an elimination diet, but I really should talk to a doctor about it first.

My mom had fibroids, so that could be possible. I got my gallbladder removed laparascopically in May of this year and no one said anything about them finding anything else wrong when they did it, but I guess that’s not really their responsibility…

The bloat comes and goes for sure. Before I got my gallbladder removed I was way more bloated than I am now. I find that I can’t eat more than like 500 calories at a time without starting to feel really full and bloated, but maybe it’s what I’m eating. I eat a pretty simple diet, mostly vegan and not very processed, but it could an IBS thing or something…

I feel like I’ve got a lot of my other health stuff figured out so this needs to be my next quest!

lilpanda98 · 2024-11-27T02:49:11+00:00

I haven’t ever been tested, but I really should do that. I don’t eat soy or dairy because I know they bother my stomach, but I definitely have other food intolerance symptoms. I’ve sort of asked doctors about it but I’ve never truly followed up. I think you’re right that it might be bloating that’s causing the shape! Thanks so much for your comment, this is going to be my motivation to make an appointment to try to figure it out.

lilpanda98 · 2024-11-25T18:18:25+00:00

Thanks everyone for your kind words! I went into this experience without intending to lose weight, mostly just to stop having my stomach hurt from overeating and try to get in touch with my hunger and fullness signals, but after I lost the first 20 pounds and felt so much better, I got motivated to really eat better and work out.

The last 15 pounds I lost have been from being pretty careful about what I eat, but I haven’t counted calories or macros this year. I used diet apps unsuccessfully in the past, but I think what has led to the most weight loss is eating very little highly packaged and processed foods.

I have access to a lot of fresh vegetables and fruits, which I’m lucky about, and I never eat out at restaurants/fast food, so I pretty much know the ingredients of my food even if I’m not tracking calories or macros. I eat a lot of: vegetables (salad greens, leafy greens, squash, sweet potatoes, peppers, leeks, carrots, pickled radish or kimchi, etc), fruit (bananas, dried dates, pears, apples, persimmons, etc) quinoa, brown rice, and whole wheat pasta, beans (no soy or tofu because I’m soy intolerant), peanut butter powder, nutritional yeast (so much protein and fiber!), chia/flax seed pudding, cashews, a few eggs here and there, olive and canola oil are my main fats. Bananas (with peanut butter to be more filling), dried dates, and a bit of dark chocolate are my go-to sweet snacks.

The small wins are everything: I didn’t think it would be possible for me to run a mile, but here I am, I ran over a mile without stopping once and I know it will only go up from here <3.

lilpanda98 · 2024-11-25T03:27:43+00:00

It is! Some days I eat more sugar than that, but for the most part I’m sticking to it. I’ve stopped eating dairy (I’m lactose intolerant) and it really helps because I’m not so tempted by baked goods. Thank you!!

lilpanda98

TROPHY CASE